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User Topic: Can you tell WS they are in Fog?
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:29 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ever watch those Charlie Brown movies where the adults talk and all the kids hear is "wah wha wha wah...?"

It's sort of like that.

BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 1:57 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sure someone may get it.

I saw the lightbulb turn on when my husband realized the OW had told him a lie about me.

It was one of his ah ha moments.

I couldn't force him there.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:06 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to agree with being able to point out lies. I'd thought OW was a friend so once I finally put 2 and 2 together I was able to show WH a least a dozen different lies she'd told him -- and I was also able to show her quite a few lies WH had told her as well. Kind of broke up the fantasy "we're so special" club real fast.

BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, and it can be dangerous.

It's got nothing to do with gender. If someone 'chooses' to be in the fog, that's where they'll stay.

Why it's dangerous is because I gave her my entire perspective and the advice I was getting which she used to further manipulate the situation. It almost always backfires when a WS is remorseless. They can get to understand what advice the BS is getting and adjust their play book to feign remorse or some form of false R yet choose to not actually internalise the message.

At some level, there is justification for their behaviour just as there was justification for the A. Detaching and 180 are the only viable options for a BS who's got a remorseless spouse about 2-3 weeks out from DDay.

It's never clear cut as most people generally fall in between extreme fog and complete clarity at DDay itself. I'd still say, trying to help a WS 'get it' is a futile attempt, time better spent in healing oneself and not looking at the WS for any help. If they come to you with a 'we can work this' attitude and you can see consistent and sincere attempts at wanting to R, then by all means share the info/forums/articles etc...

Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
♂ Member
Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with noescape. My WW took her affair underground for 2 months after d-day 1 before she came out of the fog. Those 2 months, I and everyone she knows pounded her with all sorts of stuff, including the "fog" info. Didn't do one bit of good. They really need to come to the conclusion on their own. I tried so hard to convince my wife that it wasn't "special" and wasn't "real". That she was in the fog. She was broken and still is. No amount of convincing them is going to snap them out of it. Real consequences are what will make it happen. I say work on yourself. It is a much better use of your time. I spent so much of my time in our relationship trying to meet her needs and make sure she was first priority that it was hard for me to stop, even in the aftermath. BUT you really need to stop. Work on yourself. You are the priority now. Start your path to healing.

[This message edited by Shockedman at 2:54 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

even if you turn on all the lights in a room some people will still cover their eyes and sing LALALALA.

I think this is the most likely reaction from a WS. Even if you could get them to read the info ('If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you are in a fog!'), they're still not going to see it. I think that's actually part of the fog. It's going to take more than links and articles to get them out of it.

I feel your pain though. ::hugs::

me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."

Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, I don't think it has anything to do with gender.
I think that these people have themselves convinced that these hormonal/emotional/endocrine responses are true love and that nothing about it could be false.
It's almost like an addictive substance.
Try telling someone drinking a diet coke that artificial sweetener is addictive. They will look at you like you're crazy, even though evidence says it is.
They are just so hopped up and determined to continue feeling that way-they have rationalized that it's ok to do because it's "once in a lifetime' or "true love" or "no one else has made me feel this way since I fell in love with you so long ago" *(barf)*.
In their minds the main way to make it ok is to justify that it's special and no one else in the history of the world has ever, ever felt this powerful love.
It's sick.

I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 27
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