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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Apparently I can't do relationships
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome realizations from both of you, cayc. Growth.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7435 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you are getting a handle on the direction this needs to go if you're going to have a future together cayc.

My concern is more about his past - particularly his relationship with his daughter.

In hindsight, I now see that XWH's relationship with his daughter, or lack thereof, was an indicator of who he was and how he handles relationships. My kids and I are still very close to my SD who is now 20.

In my situation I'm specifically thinking of the inability to honestly attach in his relationships, hence the ability to just walk away from our life, and everyone in it, and take up his life with someone else. He seems sincere but underneath it all he does not attach and it's all superficial. There were many indicators of that over the years.

Anyway, I'm certainly not saying that is the issue with your SO, just pointing out the importance of paying attention to how he has dealt with and will now handle the relationship with his daughter.

I've seen many MIA dads push too hard too fast to "fix" things that often are not realistic about the steps necessary to rebuild the relationship. I went thru that with my X for years. He was constantly pushing for and promising too much, I was constantly slowing him down toward gradually establishing the relationship. And now I'm the one she has the relationship with, and her mother as well.

Just a perspective....I hope you have the opportunity to talk more often, over texting, maybe that will help keep the communication open. LDR's are tough - I don't think I could do it. ((cayc))


Me: BW-43
Him: XWH-43
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4377 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Persevere, I think that this guy didn't know about the daughter until recently (last six months?).


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13566 | Registered: Jul 2011
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No advice, just hugs. (((CAYC)))


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3267 | Registered: Dec 2011
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...his 16 year old daughter whom he hasn't seen in 10 years asked to move in with him because she's fighting with her mother.
Ama, I was going off of this.


Me: BW-43
Him: XWH-43
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4377 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
dlmos
♂ Member
Member # 36839
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((cayc)) Learning to communicate with someone new is hard enough and texting/email just makes a lot of things so much harder. Wishing you the best of luck


BH (32)
DS - 7, DD - 6
Divorced

Posts: 461 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Fort Worth,Texas
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciate everyone's concern! The daughter story is odd. Not red flag odd. Just odd. For example, it's not for certain that she's actually his biologically. That kind of odd.

Rather than go into detail to explain, suffice it to say that I accept the story he has told me, it is consistent with the other stories he has told about his life, it is consistent with how I know the life of someone who was doing the job he was doing at the time to be ... it's all credible.

The gap from seeing her yearly when she was basically a toddler/little girl to more or less now was instigated by the mother and enhanced by his parents deaths (his parents both died in their early 50s, though the dad was 5 years older than the mother - so dad dies of a heart attack, mom gets cancer and suffers for about 5 years and dies). My math might not be completely right, but that's the gist.

So I have no concerns as to the why. But the concern I do have is this:

I've seen many MIA dads push too hard too fast to "fix" things that often are not realistic about the steps necessary to rebuild the relationship.

When the mother told him it wasn't his daughter and to go away, and then his parents died in rather quick succession, and he had used every penny he had taking care of his mother until she died ... he fell apart. Into a million billion pieces.

So today. That's what he's rebuilding. So he's got me that the stork randomly dropped from the heavens, and he's got a good relationship going with his 16 year old nephew, and then there's the daughter who he is getting to know via phone calls and texting (she does not live nearby). And I think he feels pressure to make it all work. To make up for his bad decisions, to make up for not being strong when his parents died, to make up for his asshole brother, to show me, himself, the world that he's not the fuck up he thought and so on. Not bad motivation I guess, but I think the seriousness of it all, and the pressure he's putting on himself is part of the frustration that boils over into his fighting style with me.

Or maybe I'm wrong. Time will tell. That's what dating is for, right?


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3003 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
downunder
♀ Member
Member # 16631
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please listen to what others are saying.

Just because your SO has a good relationship with his nephew means squat. The nephew is a male. Very different to any relationship he might have with a female.

Your story sounds exactly like mine. The 16DD (really OC) did come and live with SO. He too wanted to make everything right after all those missed years. He made out like he was such a good guy 'rescuing' this girl. She left after one year saying he was abusive. He couldn't even pick out this girl in a photo and yet he literally turned into father of the year overnight.
Another red flag. Frustrated is just another word for anger. Why is he taking out his anger on you?
And as for that comment about putting yourself first. As someone else said it was nasty. It also reminded me of the last time I saw SO. During his rage he kept coming back to 'it's not all about you'.





Posts: 609 | Registered: Oct 2007
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm. No. I don't agree with your take at all downunder. I'm sorry. My SO doesn't think he's a good guy in respect to his daughter. Nor is he trying to rescue her. She doesn't need it. Nor is he trying to prove to me he's a good guy by rescuing her. The conversation we've been having about the nephew or daughter has been in relation to whether or not I can accept him for what has happened, and that these children are in his life, that they are basically his only family. I don't have children. It would be reasonable to assume that I don't because I didn't want them. I think he's worried I'll reject him for what he has done/hasn't done, reject him for having a daughter, reject him for wanting to right his wrongs and so on.

And at this point, knowing what I know, I don't. I think he's pretty much going about it the right way with the exception of letting his frustration with his inability to do certain things intermingle with his frustration about having to be away from me intermingle with whatever and lend fuel to the fire of our miscommunication so that it became an argument.

As for the nasty comment. Yes it was. That's why this thread is really about how are he and I going to have to learn how to fight fair. Because if we can't, given our histories, we won't have a good relationship.

EDIT: oh and I guess I should add for those who don't "know" me on SI, the reason for the kids come live with us conversation isn't coming from rescuing them, it stems from the fact that if SO and I do decide to marry and make a life with each other, it will be outside our home country, moving every 2-3 years, and so in order to stay connected with family, one way to do it is to freely allow the children to spend holidays with us, do a gap year with us etc.

[This message edited by cayc at 6:03 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3003 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
downunder
♀ Member
Member # 16631
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really hope I am wrong for your sake.
All I know is I was completely fooled for three years.
That's how long it took me to find out he didn't even like kids.
Maybe your SO is a good guy. Dig a little deeper into his past history. Do some research on abusive behaviors.
And make sure you take care of yourself. You do come first!




Posts: 609 | Registered: Oct 2007
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cayc, you have a good head on your shoulders, and you seem to have your eyes open in this relationship. I hope you know my only concern is to keep your eyes open for the China flags.

My only caution with regard to the KISA dad syndrome would be NOT doing what I did and "fixing" everything all the time. (Codependent much persevere?) But being that your LDR it will be a while before that's possible.


Me: BW-43
Him: XWH-43
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4377 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I think the LDR component, as frustrating as it is, is a good thing since it's slowing us down.

Despite this event, I'm still really confident about this guy. I care for him very much and he shows me in multiple ways that he cares for me. Just last night we were talking and he knows I have a big work event Tuesday that I'm stressed about. He told me - like he does whenever I have a work thing - to not worry about emailing/texting him all day, to focus on the task at hand, and that he's there for me to vent and complain to as much as I need.

I am going to keep an eye on the KISA thing. I don't perceive that's what underlying his motivations. I'm thinking that it's more that these 2 kids are the only family he has. Besides the "ugly" brother. His parents are gone, the bulk of his extended family are gone. There's one cousin that's our age ... and that's it, a family of 4, only one of whom he's directly related to & even that's a maybe. In contrast I have a huge family, parents still alive, multiple cousins, a brother etc. So I can respect that the thought of marrying me and leaving the country makes him feel like he needs to strengthen his ties with those children.

Ah, like Amazonia always says, he'll keep unfolding and time will tell. I learned a lot about him and myself from this event, or re-learned about me ha ha, and so I'm back to feeling good about this guy and our chances.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3003 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Topic Posts: 32
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