Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: wnt2chng (45300)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Pain box popped open today
ohiocarrie535
♀ Member
Member # 39709
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those of you who have read some if my posts...I have become very good at stuffing my pain away and ignoring it. Today it came out in a tidal wave of tears all over my WH shirt. All over a simple comment by him over me bringing up A when he's eating and ruining his meals. I sobbed so hard and long it ruined his shirt. He just held me and reassured me. My day feels ruined now. This is why I like locking things away.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jun 2013
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ohiocarrie535)))

Posts: 7463 | Registered: Dec 2010
learningtofeel
♀ Member
Member # 39543
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending all my empathy. This is SO HARD. FEELING is so hard.

I am thinking of it like "roofing" over a wound. If you don't keep the wound clean and let it heal properly you could allow a really lethal infection to grow under the skin that seems to be healing.

"The best way out is always through."

Hang in there.


M 1989
3 young adult kids
D-Day 4.13.13
WS (him): 7 OW over 15 years
BS (me): had no clue

Posts: 99 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Learning...I like that post!

For me I learned not to hold anything in. It is the act have holding it in too long and living with what I call my mask on that brings on my floods of emotion. WH prefers that I bring something up now instead of holding it back. For the most part I try to do just that.

I am sorry you had a river of hurt this morning. Hopefully next time you may shed a few less tears..

(((big hug)))
T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That pain coming out is you doing some healing.

Did he complain you ruin his meals when you bring up his A? I find that very disturbing.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10333 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
ohiocarrie535
♀ Member
Member # 39709
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sisson- he just commented how I always seem to bring up A during his meal times. I was very upset! I started crying and told him how I'm sorry that my reaction to his having sex with OW is causing an inconvenience for his meal times. Of course he was immediately remorseful as soon as he saw he had caused me to trigger. But it was too late. I've been bottling things up for so long that it all came gushing out in a big slobber sobbing mess.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jun 2013
PrincessPeach06
♀ Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My anger came out the other night after having a few drinks. I know I hurt WS with my words - they weren't mean or name calling but just the truth slapped right in his face. I don't know how much better I feel, so angry still. :(. Hang in there!


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
boontje
♀ Member
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's great that your H was able to comfort you, but it concerns me that you are stuffing your feelings. Why are you doing this? Is it because he gets upset when you bring it up? Stuffing your feelings will do nothing to help you heal. I could write the book on how to keep thoughts and feelings bottled up. The only thing it has gotten me is a 2nd dday and delayed healing. Focus on what you need. Your H will just have to deal with it.


Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”
― Ernest Hemingway



Posts: 950 | Registered: Aug 2011
ohiocarrie535
♀ Member
Member # 39709
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Boon- I'm stuffing my feelings because I don't want to talk about it, think about it. The A is just too painful. I think I will just talk about it with my therapist for now. I just don't feel comfortable sharing my pain with my WH yet. I guess I don't trust him enough to make myself vulnerable. I only shared with him today bc it just exploded out. I really hate having so little control over my emotions.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jun 2013
boontje
♀ Member
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's good you are at least talking to your therapist. I hope you will be able to open up to your H soon. You remind me very much of myself not so long ago. What really helped us was MC and my H reading "How to Help your Spouse Heal From Your Affair". Keep coming here for support. ((ohiocarrie))


Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”
― Ernest Hemingway



Posts: 950 | Registered: Aug 2011
hopefullromantic
♀ Member
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, my WH used to complain that I would bring up the A every time we rode in the car together. It's a fact, I did. That was when he couldn't walk away, or avoid me if it seemed like I needed to talk. I was guilty of meal times too. Not my fault he made himself conveniently unapproachable at other times.


It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1787 | Registered: Oct 2007
Emotionalhell
♀ Member
Member # 39902
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending hugs. I understand how the pain can come out from nowhere.


I needed this post .. I ignore my pain so often.. In fact I buried it for months after dday. That was a big mistake. Cause my fiancé thinks it is all in the past:( ..... For him butnot for me.

I find my pain comes in waves & I can't hold it back. I have started talking myself through it by saying it will pass.. You will feel strong again.
Unfortunately I can't count on my fiancé to hold me during one of my triggers.. He shuts down. So when I am having a wave or days of pain & he ask what's wrong I just say " I'm thinking to much"" or I have some buried pain that has resurfaced."


Posts: 84 | Registered: Jul 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the clarification. It's a lot less disturbing than I thought.

I used to use mealtimes, too, BTW. My W never actually complained, but a lot of times she asked if I would put off my questions until she finished eating, which I usually did to some extent - IIRC, I definitely let her get several mouthfuls down before starting up again.

The 2 best times to talk are mealtimes and bedtime, after all, and both are inconvenient.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10333 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
momwith2boys
♀ New Member
Member # 37459
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I can bottle it up sometimes. Instead, pretty much every conversation with WH is about the A or leads to a conversation about the A. I obsess over the A and any chance I get I end up throwing it in his face. I don't know how to stop. I hate this!!


Me BW 35
husband 35
Married 10 years, together 13 years
OW-my so called "friend"
2 boys (7 & 3)
D-day 10/17/2012
D-day2-2/24/2013 told me it was her
D-day3-6/16/2013 found out affair never ended
Working on R

Posts: 35 | Registered: Nov 2012
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your H is not asking you not to talk - just to do it at another time. If it is possible for you to talk after dinner and well before bed, great. But keep talking to him. As much as the A hurts - and we all know IT HURTS - talking to your spouse goes a long way in healing. My H saw my pain during our talks - and I saw his.

Take care ((ohiocarrie535))


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2431 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
ohiocarrie535
♀ Member
Member # 39709
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LA- the thing is I don't want to talk to him. I don't trust him with my feelings. He was so depressed after I triggered this last time. And we are only 5 months into this. If he's struggling to handle my pain now, where are we going to be a year from now? I have no faith in his ability to stick with me through this at all.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 16

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.