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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Once a cheater...
Danntonio
♂ Member
Member # 40065
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can tell you that it felt really damn good to finally be able to look myself in the eye (literally, in the mirror), and speak the words "NEVER AGAIN" with conviction.

I find it very hard to look at myself in the mirror...it is very hard....I am going make things healthy so I can one day.....A reflection seems to be a powerful thing to avoid at times .... but I/we need to face it...


WH 49 trying to get help
BS 45 trying to help her
D-Day 2013-07-25

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Alberta, Canada
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, now we know. But is the price too high? That means we can never again be 100% vulnerable with anyone. Which means we'll never have that level of intimacy with anyone.

I don't see it that way. In fact, for me it's the opposite. To me there can be no true vulnerability without accepting risk. If you have blind trust there is no acknowledgement of risk. If you wouldn't have opened up knowing that person can hurt you you're not being vulnerable you're playing it safe.

I read things here and hear people say things IRL and I wonder how much thought has been given. I found that with myself as well.

Perfect example, for me, is the posts from some newbies stating, "I had a faithful spouse and I fucked that up". Ok, well, problem is "faithful" isn't something "you" value. If "you" value something you possess it yourself or strive like hell to achieve it. Otherwise it's just envy. I sometimes wonder if that why some waywards are pissed. They're envious and envy breeds resentment.

For my process I didn't just need to look at my why's I made the choices I did but why I never made them before. I assumed I valued "faithful" as a trait. Nope. Never even considered it. I should have gotten that concept when I married my ex after he cheated.

So, if it wasn't "faithful" that was a value why didn't I ever cheat in anything in my life? Not hobbies, games, taxes, relationships. Because I wanted to earn what I won, made. I did that by honesty, drive, playing fair. Hell, even when I made my choices I made sure he had the info to make his own. I didn't want anything (which included trust and a mate) I felt I didn't earn.

It was through this process I understood just how much "faithful" is something I value because it was MY breaking my vows that destroyed me. I do value those things even if my partner doesn't. Honesty and playing fair wasn't enough. I needed to adhere to my committment or end it completely.

In order to get there I had to examine why I didn't do things just as much as why I did. The answers to that can be a real revelation.

For those that will never cheat because they never want to hurt their spouse again, I'd ask them, is that really fidelity you value or just a desire, at this point, not to hurt another. That's a good value and goal, don't get me wrong, but it's not even close to enough, for me.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
c128hart
♂ New Member
Member # 40174
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, this one hits home. I am struggling with the fact that I am a serial cheater. I have cheated more than once nd ech times, worked programs in the hopes of never doing it again, I go years inbetween A's but does that even matter? The incredible disgust with myself, makes me question who i am and smacks at the core of my questionable morality. How could I do this? Not once but several times. Right now my BS is in anger and discovery mode, while I try to give her answers from the dark hole of lies and deceit I put myself in.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Aug 2013
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UO your posts as always hit home. I made a post a few days ago speaking about who we make the change for. I see how much this site and my fellow waywards have effected me when I see my thoughts reflected in someone else's post. I still don't believe the label of cheater applies to someone for the rest of their lives. It is who they were and an action they committed not who they are after the changes are made.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2762 | Registered: Oct 2012
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well this turned into something interesting. Didn't expect for it to turn into a full blown conversation. Thanks to everyone who sounded off. It's been cool to read the different perspectives and comments.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6314 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Topic Posts: 25
Pages: 1 · 2

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