Today was a difficult day for me. I got at the condo to pick up some more stuff. All my winter clothers among other things.
It was hard.
Part of the idea of getting my winter clothes was to dent SO's denial. I can't talk to him about selling the condo if he's into hs own denial fantasy. Indeed, my mail was stuffed with little paper hearts and there was a note saying he'd booked a camping trip for us in a few weeks.
(ETA : I never said anything like the breakup was temporary. But I didn't lie either and told him it was hard for me and I wished things could be different.)
Tonight, I had a voicemail from SO, telling me, in an assertive voice, that we have to talk, that there would be no drama, but that I HAD to get in contact with him to schedule that talk.
I feel terrible. Rational me tells myself that we both need time to process what has happened today before scheduling that «talk». The emotional part feels guilty, like I'm protecting myself at his expense. That I'm a bad ex to leave him in the dark, that I owe him anwers, etc.
It's not like I don't want to give him no clue ever, but I'd rather feel stronger before having a definitive talk (yes this is a permanent break-up, yes, I want us to sell the condo). First because I have to feel it with my heart, not just with my head. I'm greiving, I still have feelings, and I fear I'll be sensitive to his pleas and demonstrations of good will to fix things (remember, I left because we're not compatible and because he needs to do his own therapy about FOO issues, not because he's a bad guy). I don't want to give in and do to him what XH did to me (false hopes and limbo and the rollercoaster untill he was strong enough to break it - this was the hardest part of the process).
Of course, I can't expect to fully greive before having that talk, but I'd like to be in a more solid place in my heart, so I can be clear and so we can both move on and get on to the different tasks we need to do to complete the seperation.
Sorry for being so long, but I'd appreciate any thoughts on this. Am I being selfish here for needing to make this on my schedule? I feel horrible right now.