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Newest Member: confusedwife32 (44902)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Starting year 2
CLRhope4her
♀ Member
Member # 37243
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At the one year mark in June I felt good. I felt like we were on track and going back to the old us. But I asked if he still misses the OW/Ex-BFF? He said yes. Very rarely, but yes. And that part of him sees her as a good person who made a horrible mistake - like him. And that he wonders how her and her family are-hoping they are ok.

After that I've continued to plummet emotionally and mentally. After a year I assumed he would finally 'get it'. But at that moment it's like I 'got it'. She will be a ghost. A ghost I have constant memories of from the last 25 years. Who is now a part of my WH's past and holds a piece of history (and his heart?)

My WH is doing right-he's accountable, affectionate, open, honest. He told me he saw her recently and as he drove by as she stared, he completely ignored. But with every good deed I can't help but remind myself of the fact she holds a place in his heart I'll apparently never touch. He says its not like that and I'm panicking. And sadly I can see that too. I second guess my whole life. What tv show should I watch (what did she watch), should I like that shirt (would she wear it)? I have no idea who I am anymore.

Is year two a year of second guessing, sadness and depression or is my situation aiding in these feelings? I work hard at pretending happiness and normal. After all-no one knows of the A to protect her kids, my family and her H's family. (Small town). I feel I'm going crazy.


BW- Me 35 & WH- Him 38
OW- My BFF for 25 years
DDay- 6/28/12 Final truth- 7/28/12
“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.”

Posts: 177 | Registered: Oct 2012
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Year 2 has been a struggle with reality for me too. I think year 2 is when we see the situation quite clearly and it's ugly and it hurts

I identify with the hollow feeling left knowing that this will always be a part of the M.

Many days I wonder if D is my only way back to sanity.

Sorry you are hurting.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is year two a year of second guessing, sadness and depression or is my situation aiding in these feelings?

That is exactly how I found the second year. At least up until recently. We are just past 20 months and I am coming out of a depressed phase. We amped up some of things we were slacking at. And I have found a new zest for R.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2580 | Registered: Aug 2012
Zayda1
♀ Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, year 2 has been horrible for me as well. We have discussed divorce, but currently are trying to fight out way back to R.

I second guess every move I make. I second guess WH's commitment, my own reasons for staying and my actions in R (am I doing enough, am I fixing my issues).


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 465 | Registered: Apr 2012
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem you face is not year #2 it is this:

she holds a place in his heart

AP should be a non-entity in your WH world, especially 1yr post dday.

He sees her as a good person who made a horrible mistake? Seriously, this was a choice. They both made a selfish choice that caused you tremendous pain. Good people do not make selfish choices that
completely annihilate another persons world.

There is no place in successful R for a WS to waste any energy/thought on the AP. Your WH needs to make you his #1 priority ~ ALWAYS.

Gently I say: I would not stand for this, not one minute. If he misses her, even a speck, I would pack his bags for him and escort him out of the house. Let him see what life is like missing YOU.

{{{CLRhope4her}}}



ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2109 | Registered: Nov 2011
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, you should stop comparing yourself to her. Who cares what she watched or what shirt she'd wear. You are YOU and uniquely so. Why would you want to be like her when she has zero moral compass?

I lost myself for quite some time, but I'm back on track with the help of a great therapist. I'm finding things about me that I didn't even know I had and I really like me.

But what I really agree with is this:

AP should be a non-entity in your WH world, especially 1yr post dday.

He sees her as a good person who made a horrible mistake? Seriously, this was a choice. They both made a selfish choice that caused you tremendous pain. Good people do not make selfish choices that
completely annihilate another persons world.

There is no place in successful R for a WS to waste any energy/thought on the AP. Your WH needs to make you his #1 priority ~ ALWAYS.

Gently I say: I would not stand for this, not one minute. If he misses her, even a speck, I would pack his bags for him and escort him out of the house. Let him see what life is like missing YOU.

Until he can figure that crap out? Your real R will never truly begin. This is on HIM, not you. And don't you dare try to change yourself to be more like her for him either. You stay YOU.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Topic Posts: 6

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