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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Do you provide clothes for the non-custodial parent's time?
hoya96
♀ Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He provides the clothes for his house, and purchases 1-2 uniforms (private school) for the 6 school mornings a month he has them.

I provide winter coats, (uniform) shoes, and the much larger wardrobe.

Child support is not designed to cover clothing for the non-custodial parent's custodial time. Here's a great article to share with your ex: http://www.dadsdivorce.com/articles/what-does-child-support-actually-cover.html

[This message edited by hoya96 at 4:53 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]


Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man.

Posts: 325 | Registered: Jun 2010
LisaP
♀ Member
Member # 15088
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Going on 4 years now, EOW visitation and doesn't want more. X has remarried and doesn't have a problem supporting his new (unemployed) wife and her teenage/out of high school girls with everything they need....yet my kids have to bring ALL their own basic toiletries. It's ridiculous! I feel bad for them, because they feel like complete strangers in that house! My daughter was lucky enough to finally get a bed to sleep on after a year and a half on the floor...and this from a man who makes $300,000+ a year, owns 2 homes, toys, etc.

I don't mind packing clothes (they grow out of them so fast/or taste change), but I asked that he keep PJ's, play shoes, swim suits, and toiletries there for them for convenience, but the wifey doesn't like it. She treats them like they are invading HER home and he allows it.

Very sad for them...


Me BS

Divorced!

~Feel your emotions, but control your behavior~ Unknown


Posts: 2183 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Oregon
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have primary custody, he has them e/o weekend only ( a little more in the summer).

I have all of their clothes. My kids pack their own suitcase for visitation. I will inspect the outfits to make sure they match and are appropriate for the weather, throw in a pair of shoes and jammies. He will wash it and return it each week. I will direct the kids to pack for vacations per anything ex requests.

I buy all of their clothing, ex buys all shoes/undies and all jammies.

We tried to keep things separate in the beginning, and it became way too confusing. This is what works for us...


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4135 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, everyone. This thread was very eye opening.

I think I need to reexamine my motives. Most of you seem okay with providing the clothing, and I think it's helpful for me to remember that it's about my kids, not him.

I think it really bugged me that he asked for clothing for this vacation. I had to pack for the vacation that I used to go on with my kids, and he now takes the Owife and her kids along with my kids. That stung. It made me feel like some sort of servant, helping the royal family prepare for their holiday while I stay at home and clean the house.

That feeling should not be what motivates me. I should be motivated by helping my kids. I want them to wear clothing that they feel comfortable in. It sucks that he couldn't be bothered to take his kids shopping now and again to get some extra clothes, and he and I had a minor pissing contest over it, but I'm not about to turn this into WW III. It's so not worth it.

Again, thank you.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3596 | Registered: Oct 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to pack for the vacation that I used to go on with my kids, and he now takes the Owife and her kids along with my kids. That stung. It made me feel like some sort of servant, helping the royal family prepare for their holiday while I stay at home and clean the house.

Yeah, that would hurt me, too. ((((HUGS))))


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9640 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
timeforchange
♀ Member
Member # 27454
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do I think he should provide his own clothes for them? Yes

Does he do it? No

But visitation takes place at his mothers house & she has a shoe fetish!! My kids come home nearly every week with a new pair of shoes.

I decided that I would not compain about the clothes.... If free shoes were falling from the skies!!!!!

And their clothes come back washed and beautifully ironed!

Although in 2 months time (after nearly 4 years) ex WH will move into his own home.

I suspect things will change. No more clean/ironed clothes... But that is ok. It is just not a hill I want to do battle on!!!!!

I think over the years the anger/negative feelings have disappeared.... maybe this would have bothered me when the S was fresh but now I really don't mind packing their stuff. We are past the "you should" stage.......
And we just get on with it.

I think it's called indifference..


Me = BS aged 43
2 boys, 13 and 9
DDay 1/19/10
Confronted him 2/16/10
Finally Divorced 8/29/12

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”


Posts: 726 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Expats in Europe
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally I'd respond for a hell fucking no and go fuck yourself. At least that's what I would say in my head.

If it were me, I think I'd just send what they needed for that particular visitation, and ask that everything came home again.

In your case, he wants you to replenish his household stock. Um, no. However, if you feel that you need to, I'd hit up some garage sales this summer and buy some cheap outfits, but otherwise, not a chance. Plus, I wouldn't want Ms. Ashley Madison's kids to be wearing any good clothes that were bought by you.

[This message edited by sparkysable at 9:07 AM, August 4th (Sunday)]


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3341 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been divorced from my ex for 18 years. He had DD and DS EOW...for about 15 years.

I always had them pack a bag before they left..with enough clothes for the entire weekend..and pajamas..and often,a change of clothes *just in case.*

He paid his child support,his half of the medical bills,and occasionally he played Santa Claus if he had them on Christmas.

It never even occurred to me to tell him he had to buy clothes for the kids while they were at his house. First,he never took them shopping before,and wouldn't have any idea as to what they would need..or what was appropriate. And second,Im sure he would have told me he couldn't afford it.

It honestly never bothered me. They are my kids. They live here. If they go to Grandma's for the weekend,I would do the same..pack a bag and make sure they had what they needed to wear during the time they were there.

Now,if they spent 50% of their time at their dad's,I might have felt differently. But as it was,it was no big deal for them to pack a bag and take their clothes with them.

Oh..it would have been nice if he had at least returned their clothes laundered..but that never happened.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7398 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
shatteredheart7
♀ Member
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I no longer have this issue, as soon as my kids were old enough to say if they wanted to go or not they chose not. However, when they were going they would pack a bag, and then bring them home dirty. They said it was because they didn't like the way he washes clothes. In my youngest dds case, she is allergic to most laundry soap (I make my own with ivory soap to avoid it) he uses the laundry soap that she is most allergic to. We have been divorced for almost 12 yrs and he has bought them clothes once. If I had not sent them clothes they would have had to wear the same outfit all weekend. Never had the vacation problem. He only goes on vacation when he doesn't have them....yeah! He's a POS!


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For shared custody....around 50/50

In our div/parenting class that was mandatory in our county, they stressed making two homes for the kids. The packing of bags reinforces that house they are going to is where they visit, not live. Like I mentioned earlier, this pretty much the one thing my ex has done well, he has made his house a home for the kids. They need nothing going between houses other than sports related stuff and my dd's blankies.

Pretty much the only useful info from the 4 hrs of classes we had to attend

And I know the limitations of this advice is that you have another parent that goes along with this. I know from MANY other areas that "what is recommended" is often not a reality that is achievable.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1244 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The bunch no longer goes to see ex-asshat but when they did every other weekend, I packed clothes for them... and he ended up always taking them. I was providing clothes for both houses and getting no CS to boot. I finally stopped sending any clothes and decided he'd figured it out. He did.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15392 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
HopeImOverIt
♀ Member
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kids are teens and I taught them to do their own laundry quite some time ago. So I don't have the irritation of doing the laundry from their visitation with Ex. Of course I am paying for the hot water and detergent.

In our div/parenting class that was mandatory in our county, they stressed making two homes for the kids. The packing of bags reinforces that house they are going to is where they visit, not live.

It makes me sad to read that. Too bad we didn't have that class. Ex makes it very clear that the kids don't have a home with him. They have to take turns sleeping on the couch at his place! The place he OWNS by the way, this is not a new rental situation. Ex actually SOLD the bunk beds he'd bought for the 2nd bedroom, because he "didn't like the way they look".


Me: BW (50)
ExWH: (51)
2 teen-age boys
Divorced

Posts: 260 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
debbysbaby
♀ Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have always bought all their clothes. By the time they were 8 or 9 they packed their own bags. I would remind them how many days and if thud need a swimsuit or coat but beyond that, I made them responsible for making sure their clothes made it back. If they didn't then they did without the item until the next time. Xpoopsmear has never provided clothes. My kids are all teens, one an adult so they've done this many years now.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 866 | Registered: Aug 2011
woundedwidow
♀ Member
Member # 36869
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's tremendously unfair for one parent to have to provide all the clothing, even for the other parent's weekends or other visits. On the other hand, there are worse scenarios. My late BIL and his Ex had such an acrimonious separation (they never actually got divorced) that when their 2 kids visited the opposite household, they were made to strip naked in the garage and don clothing provided by the parent being visited, lest they contaminate the other house with the Ex's clothing. Needless to say, they both grew up royally screwed in the head.


Be careful what you wish for the most - you may get it.

Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: VA
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've done a little bit of this, because it's my own peace of mind to suffer-or not-otherwise. I can't know if DD will use what I send, but I can assure myself that it's there ...and also I can't be found at fault if something is missing for her.

It was a bit of irony at one point, because I was called "too controlling". So I backed off on packing. in total, for a few months. At one point when making his arrangements, nearly ExH started to request certain things that he knew DD has.

Thanks be that I got custody and she only goes on visits, for who knows what would happen otherwise, as he is "little to no rules", for the most part. Yes, she wears the junior lingerie too and has come home without it on a few times, so I've made a little noise that it's important now.

FWIW, I think we all have different perspective on what is "enough" of something. I tend to be comfortable with extra -towels, bathing suits, underthings-where he doesn't notice too much until there aren't any clean ones at all.

I've found that sharing some of this responsibility is the best way, where something I will ask him to get and keep at the place they stay most, or something I will get and give to keep there, so she has the same...necessities that aren't clothing like acne stuff or swimming gear.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2229 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
ExposedNiblet
♀ Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We don't have 50/50 custody. XH is supposed to take the boys for a minimum of one weekend a month. Yes, I provide the clothes, and like others, the laundry service once they are returned.

It seems to me that in the case of 50/50 custody, each parent should be responsible for the clothing (and laundry) of the kids during the time they are there.

It's interesting to see all the different situations here.


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
Topic Posts: 36
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