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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I'm scared of him not being part of my life.
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know why would I want him int my life but still honestly I can't imagine not being able to reach out to him and share stuff. Now it's true I really haven't shared much with him in the last 8 months but forever . We haven't had a normal conversation in a while and we haven't actually spoken orally in a month on Sunday, we don't even really communicate any other method either. Some short texts about finances and that's about it.

However I still can't imagine after so many years that he will be gone even if he is now my mind just keeps pretending he's still there

I wonder if he misses me.


Not sure DD 10/6/2012
No doubt in my mind DD 04/2013
Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms 12/2012
Formal Separation 6/2013
Divorce Final 12/2013
Admitted Affair 4/2014

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((stungbytravel)))


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3537 | Registered: Oct 2011
Grace and Flowers
♀ Member
Member # 34431
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally get this. It's the weirdest feeling. It still feels weird to me, after more than a year.

(((((stungbytravel)))))


I'm Happy, not Sad!

Posts: 1149 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
FieldsOfLavender
♀ Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stung, how long were you together? Do you have kids?

Posts: 186 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, August 2nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I feel the same way. It can be lonely. (((stung)))

Posts: 1570 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Old habits die hard.

I had the same fear - it wasn't really scared of him not being in my life, it was more that I was scared of captaining my own ship - I was scared of my own future.

Scary can be good. I'm excited about the great unknown now. It took some time but I realised that nothing in my future looked as bad as what life would be with an unremorseful wayward. Nothing.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5413 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do feel for you.

Since I don't know your situation, I'll share how I have handled this in mine.

All of the following have combined to give me some true peace about No longer being lovingly connected and together with the woman I married.

1. My xWW is not who I believed her to be. I now see her form who,she really is, not the fictitious person I created in my mind by projecting many of my feelings, hopes, dreams, priorities, etc., onto her.

2. She betrayed me.

3. She was not remorseful.

4. She negatively impacted the lives of our children.

5. Knowing what I know about her now, based on her actions, I would never have even dated her, never mind marry her.

6. The analogy I use when describing her A and subsequent lack of remorse is this: she shot me and walked away when I was on the ground bleeding, and she never felt bad about it and never apologized.

Why would I miss being with someone who did all of those things? I've been divorced for just one year now, and truthfully, I don't miss her.

Yes, I mourn the loss of who I thought she was and what I thought we had, but I have accepted that those images were not real. I am sad that we will never be able to do the things in the future that I wanted us to do, that I won't have a trusted companion, etc. But those dreams and thoughts were also, sadly, based on a false reality that I had created.

Very sadly, it's a bit like the line in one of Etta James' ballads, "I never lost you. You were never mine."


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 918 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found myself wondering just last night if ex-shat missed talking to me.
Then I smacked myself upside the head and reminded myself of all the bullshit.

It's hard letting to of what we thought was there. All I can tell you is to keep reminding yourself of the reality. Keep leaning on your support system.
((((Hugs))))


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4552 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all the responses.

Together 15 years married almost 5. No kids between the two of us but he has a daughter.

I do keep reminding myself who he is now doesn't even closely look like the person I married. And reality - it's constantly there so no need to remind myself. It's just so suprising.


Not sure DD 10/6/2012
No doubt in my mind DD 04/2013
Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms 12/2012
Formal Separation 6/2013
Divorce Final 12/2013
Admitted Affair 4/2014

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
mandan66
♂ Member
Member # 40075
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Stung)
Let me just echo 'nomistake' by saying my situation is very similar, and sometimes really struggle with the loneliness. But I try to remember it was a false reality I created, and it took awhile to create it. So, its going to take awhile to 'un-create' it. For me, thinking on a daily basis of building positive layers over all the past negatives that were accumulated, really helps.


Me: 47; WW: 48
2 DS: 9, 14
M:18--T:19
DDay: Jan/13
Divorced and Done!--7/13

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: KS
laney57
♀ Member
Member # 35617
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stung,
Ohhow I feel for all of us. NoMistake said it beautifully and I hope that we can find his peace. Thanks nomistake.


Me - BS, 43
Him - WH, 45
Married - 22 years
D-Day - 05/12/2012
Trying to find me.
Gotta do this, but I'm broken - headed for divorce - 02/20
Hell if I know - 02/24
INS 07/2013 Divorcing

Posts: 226 | Registered: May 2012 | From: KY
Pippy
♀ Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stung, you have to be careful of projecting your feelings onto him. We all do this in the early stages.Hugs.

But I came to learn, my now ex doesn't have the warm fuzzies about me or our life together. He hates me for the support he has been ordered to pay.

If your WS felt the way you do, he'd be back with you.

[This message edited by Pippy at 5:55 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9587 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
jilted12
♀ Member
Member # 35640
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just before I filed for D, I actually said to my ex that I couldn't imagine my life without him. And even though he was unremorseful & continuing to lie to me, at that point in time I really couldn't fathom the idea.

A year later & now I can't fathom how I so desperately wanted to keep an ass like that in my life. Give it time (I know, the dreaded "t" word) & I think you will find that you are so much better off without him. (((stungbytravel)))


Me: BS 40
Him: WS 39
Married 10 yrs, together 13
DS-8, DD-5, DS-2
D-Day 5/9/12, 2 days before #3 was born
Filed for D 8/12; D final 4/13

"I used to be married but I'm better now"


Posts: 188 | Registered: May 2012
FieldsOfLavender
♀ Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think being scared is a normal response if you have been with a person for a long time. I felt scared of being alone, lonely without WH who is now STBX. It's been 15 months since I found out and I still cry, but I don't feel alone or lonely. The prick finally moved out 6 weeks ago. I feel at peace. With time, you will get through it.

Posts: 186 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
PolyGal
♀ Member
Member # 20396
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm struggling with this too. We have a long history, and a lot of good stuff in our relationship in addition to the bad stuff.

I know however that during our separation, I've been able to have experiences and adventure that I would have never had if we were still together. And I know that I'll have more of that if I don't have him in my life.

I wonder what sort of arrangement we'll find, if any, to stay in each others' lives moving forward. I think I can see us as staying friends, though I'm not sure if he's able to do that. Either way, I know I'll be ok.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Jul 2008
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 2:14 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stung, you have to be careful of projecting your feelings onto him. We all do this in the early stages.Hugs.
But I came to learn, my now ex doesn't have the warm fuzzies about me or our life together. He hates me for the support he has been ordered to pay.

^^ ugh. I'm terrified of this.


BS / D

Posts: 861 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 16

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