"How to help your spouse heal from your affair: a compact manual for the unfaithful" by Linda J. MacDonald
H read it, and it helped him get it. It was an extremely short, to the point, easy read.
He felt I was beating him up the other day when I started asking some questions said he felt cornered.
Anyway we have been getting along I don't want all details (sexual). I just need some time line specific time periods on some things.
No don't cut him off emotionally especially if you want to really work at it. (IMO)
In our M if one shuts down the other does & it gets bad. That's why I am here now. I need to be open & honest about how I feel he has to too.
He may get mad but he can't harbor resentment or hold grudge. He has to let you know how he feels too & you need to listen without getting angry too. Try to constructively find a solution together.
This is what we are trying now. We have never been great communicators of our wants needs and feelings.
I hope this helps a little. Sorry if I rambled.
I may have to buy the book painpaingoaway suggested. I am trying all avenues.
we really want our waywards to be in as much pain as we are. But that is impossible.
What I've seen, when there's true remorse? They hit a place where they're in more pain.
I know, hard to believe right now, but I've seen it.
This is good for your WS's to read. It has helped thousands of people:
I've just gone with the approach of pointing out that she has absolutely no right to get irritated, as it's her own mistakes that have brought this on us.
Think I might try giving her one of the books you kind folks have mentioned above however.
In my eyes, true remorse needs to be felt by the WS and the BS needs to be able to feel this, as a simple "I'm sorry, honest" just does not cut it.
If they don't feel bad for causing your pain, how can you trust them not to drop the ball?
I have been... Pretty awesome if I do say so myself.
My H has said many times that I have handled his betrayal so much better than he ever would have been able to if the tables were turned. I'm even amazed at myself for how I have been. But taht doesn't seem to matter when it comes to the way they treat us. It's almost like a green light for them to continue the hurt.
Q: What Is The Difference Between Remorse And Regret?
A: When confronted by my BS on dday, I immediately felt regret. Regret for having been careless enough to get caught. Regret for the pain my BS was in, regret for the shame I felt. It was as if I was disconnected from my real feelings and was only able to feel things only in relation to how it affected me. Regret is being sorry for something you've done, but not necessarily taking action to make amends.
One can feel sorry that their BS is hurting without doing a single thing to comfort them or help them recover. Regret is a feeling that is momentary and can be easily suppressed, especially if you are someone who compartmentalizes. Regret is passive.
Remorse, on the other hand, is active. Remorse comes when you, as the betrayer, feel compassion for your BS.
It is when you are willing to do whatever it takes to help your partner heal. Remorse is selfless. Remorse asks, 'what more can I do to help you?'
Your BS needs to see that you understand their pain. When you feel remorse, you realize that you'd do anything- literally anything- to take away your loved one's pain. In other words- you "get it."
Remorse allows you to take responsibility for your bad choices and is necessary for recovery and reconciliation. Don't be passive in your healing. Regret is not enough. Take ACTION!
Where do you think your husband is in regret land or is he remorseful? It takes time. Keep reading and learning.
Knowledge is power.
You are still unsure of your new world and that is completely understandable. You don't trust yourself to trust him yet. He has to earn that trust through actions not just words.
You have allowed him to stay in your life and are giving his a second chance that is far beyond meeting him 1/2 way.
Don't rush yourself or your healing. It's a process and a long road. Your WH needs to buckle up for the rollercoaster ride he's place you on. Emotionally you will be all over the place for some time (again normal).
Hang in there, read the 180 and just try to take one day at a time.