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User Topic: Understanding the "Why"
♂ Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But TwoHearts, what of cheaters who stridently avoided cheating until later in life? My W had a completely shit childhood, but was faithful in all of her relationships (and was cheated on twice to her knowledge) until recently in our marriage.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
♂ Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's always a weak, selfish, person likely with unresolved FOO-issues combined with normal, every day stress, anxiety and poor or missing moral compass.

Don't always believe that someone was faithful in their past.. anyone that has the ability to cheat on someone obviously is capable of lying to that someone as well (in fact, it's part of it) so don't always be so sure their depiction of their past is completely accurate.

More importantly though, why even care? This is the better attitude. Cheating is never justified, no matter what. They must be 110% dedicated to fixing their issues, whatever they may be, by immediately going NC, immediately making major changes to ensure the safety of the marriage, and immediately get themselves into IC and likely MC when you feel it is time for this.

If you feel it's just morbid curiosity on your part on infidelity, I'd focus less on your WS's excuses and instead maybe pick up a couple books, like "Not Just Friends" or "His Needs, Her Needs" and maybe pick-up an extra copy for your WS as well.

Good luck!

BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 721 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But TwoHearts, what of cheaters who stridently avoided cheating until later in life?

I wrestled with this - my fWH cheated for the first (and last I hope!!) time ever in his life at age 36.

I went to a session with his IC and she said that it was a "prefect storm" situation. He had always had the FOO issues, he had always had the poor boundaries, the selfishness, the poor coping strategies etc etc. BUT this time everything came together all at once.

He was under immense stress at work and at home, had no idea how to cope with it, had unresolved resentment towards me, had the other life-long underlying issues that made him vulnerable and at that very time OW arrived on the scene - very available, flirtation, showering him with attention.... The timing of it all was just spot-on! WHAM, BAM, thank-you ma'am...

[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 1:18 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]

BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1023 | Registered: Oct 2012
♂ Member
Member # 20647
Default  Posted: 1:56 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what of cheaters who stridently avoided cheating until later in life?

My WW swore she would never cheat, due in part to that problem causing her family so many hardships when she was young. What is interesting, or confusing, is that she waited until she was going through a midlife crisis before she started her first sexual affair. We had been married a good 25 years by then and when she got the taste of how to medicate her inner pain with sex, she fell right into place with the same coping skills she saw her FOO practice.

I admit I am not an expert at figuring out what is going on inside someone else, but she waited until she was older and then couldn't say no.

1Sa 22:23 (NIV) - "Stay with me; don't be afraid; the man who is seeking your life is seeking mine also. You will be safe with me."

Posts: 681 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: 2nd Place
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