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User Topic: Getting sucked into the game
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am trying to remain NC with my WS since I filed for D.
He has been calling/texting me, very remorseful, but also saying he "accepts that he just needs to move on". As far as I know he is still in contact with OW, but I haven't asked lately.
One of the reasons I decided to file for D was that he wanted me to move back home asap to R. I have been in my own place since May, a month after he asked for D (ILYB), then he reconsidered and said S, then reconsidered and said he wanted R...I then found out about the A at the end of June.
Since we S I have realized how codependent I am, and how much of a safety net I am for him. I told him I did not feel safe moving back to the house (with the boys as well, totally giving them the hope that we are making the M work, since they are used to the S now) because we hadn't done enough work on ourselves yet. I told him that the house was not a safe place for me to heal.
I told him my lease is up in November and I was ok with that timeline to see how I felt, but no guarantees.
He pressured me about time and "direction" and to see what he would do, or as he put it "draw a line in the sand": I filed for D.
He broke NC with OW before I even had the chance to file.
So, I did file last Monday. I've tried to remain NC with him but I've talked with him a few times.
I don't want to give him this false hope that it is going to work because honestly the thought of R makes me want to vomit (the hard work, the trust issues, triggers).
The thought of D isn't much better, but at least I could live with myself and sleep at night.
We have agreed to try to do all the financial and custody things in an amicable way. I don't want to fight with him. He is a good dad and very involved with our kids.
I don't think I want to be with him. I don't think I want to R.
But in a way, my brain is making it this game where I want him to want me, but I don't want to give him false hope either.
I'm also second guessing whether or not I should have moved back home-even though I KNOW in my gut it would have been a mistake.
Then I tell myself "what does it matter if you didn't give him that chance, you don't want to be with him anyway." (and I gave him a thousand other chances that he screwed up)
I guess I am still not accepting the reality that things can never be the way they were before the affair-imperfect, but whole.
I know I need to remain NC to the best of my ability and I told him again today we need to just talk about the kids/divorce issues.
Is there any other advice for helping me get my thought processes straight?


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((myperfectlife)))

I see your dday was very recent. I know this is a lot to sort through so quickly. Please do not feel like you need to rush to make a decision. Are either of you seeing an IC? Having that support can be very helpful.


Posts: 36028 | Registered: Mar 2011
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But in a way, my brain is making it this game where I want him to want me, but I don't want to give him false hope either.
I'm also second guessing whether or not I should have moved back home-even though I KNOW in my gut it would have been a mistake.
Then I tell myself "what does it matter if you didn't give him that chance, you don't want to be with him anyway." (and I gave him a thousand other chances that he screwed up)

I have been following your story pretty much from the start. He sounds a lot like my ex in the way that he has been back and forth on his words and actions. Saying he want to work it out, try again and then doing the complete opposite, in the form of engaging with females and behaviours that caused the problems in the first place. I have been NC with him for 5 days now. It was at my request because contact from him was keeping me stuck. This is the longest we have gone without speaking and it is so very hard. Even though I need him to not contact me, it hurts that he hasn't and in some ways I wish he would. I have quoted the above from you original post because that is how I feel and I feel crazy for it. Even though I know I could never ever give him another chance and be with him again, a big part of me wants him to want me. In the same way, I hope he doesn't contact me and doesn't ask me to try again because I'm scared of getting sucked back in again. I know nothing good can come from being with him at all.

I just wanted to share that and to let you know that you are not alone in your thinking and feeling. If you want to me PM me feel free.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Hurtagain.
I am so glad someone understands. It's a horrible place to be.
This week he has been texting and talking to me, trying to get me to give him another chance.
Well I just found out he slept with OW a few days ago!
What the hell is wrong with him?
I am just about to this point where everything he texts me I just roll my eyes. I am sick of his words.
Sick of them.
Thanks for the comment! Feel free to pm me too!


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 4

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