I have been through similar with h. It is so very hard to not get the validation you need when you want so badly to R.
I understand how much it hurts.
I have found the most helpful thing for me has been IC. Especially in the beginning when H was not "ready" for MC. If you can find a wonderful therapist,I had to try 3 before I found a good fit. He helped me to focus on me, begin to take care of me.
The one thing that I found the hardest to accept is that you cannot force someone to do the work. No matter how badly you want it and know it is the path to healing, you can only control what you do.
We have been back together since December 2012 and I must say it is only the beginning of healing for us.
H is just starting to express remorse, to acknowledge the selfishness of his acts, to see and empathize with the damage that he has caused.
Even still, it is a rollercoaster. Some days he regresses and gets defensive. It is so very painful when those days happen. I try to tell myself, "it is just a day, wait until tomorrow and see if he comes back".
I am giving it some more time. I know that I need consistency and time to trust this is real. It truly feels like hell sometimes.
I wish that I could give you a magic potion to make him come around, but unfortunately there isn't one.
The most important thing is as everyone says, take care of you. Learn about you and what makes you happy.
Reading about affairs, relationships, helped me enormously.
I think MC with my therapist made a huge difference. Talking and not being afraid of the consequences.
For a while I struggled with being afraid to say what I felt. I was afraid that if I said the wrong thing he would not love me. It took me a long time to realize that if that were true, then I really didn't want to be with him. That I would be ok without him and I deserved so much more.
I certainly am no expert and every couple is so different, what works for one may not for another. I can only speak of my experience.
Again the most important thing is take care of you.
I wish you relief from your pain. You really are not alone with this, keep posting, it helps.