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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why do I want to know if he took off his wedding ring?
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, this is a question that results in a no win answer. If WH took his ring off, it meant that that the ring, and hence our marriage, were easily discarded. It WH kept the ring on, it meant that the ring was meaningless to him and as such, our marriage was meaningless. There was no answer that he could provide that would ease my pain.

As a BS, I think we look for meaning in actions that are inherently incomprehensible. We want clear signs that tell us that our Marriages meant the same to our BS that it meant to us. For me, it meant that by focusing on this, it meant that I could avoid looking at the bigger issue, which was why fWH engaged in adulterous behaviour. Whether he took his ring off or not, does not minimize the effect of his transgressions, namely that he had betrayed you and broken his vows to you.

For the record, fWH tells me that he took his ring off when he saw the OW. It does not provide me any comfort that he did so.

((painandgrief))


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 350 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
painandgrief
♀ Member
Member # 40158
Default  Posted: 5:20 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me plus four, I think you are right there are no good answers to this question. Like so may of you have said, imagining him holding hands with her while having our ring on would be wrong on so many levels, at least, I know the ring never got to her naked body.

This is just one more of those things that we are expected to process, accept and forget it we are to move on eventuallly toward reconciliation.


BS 50
WS 49
2 teenage kids
DDay - May 2013

"Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer care"


Posts: 54 | Registered: Aug 2013
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Helpless  Posted: 6:06 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to know too. And it was a late hit. Something that I wanted to know during the first year but that I didn't think of until after I had finished a lot of other questions.

Ask him. And tell him how you feel about even the question and his answer.

For the record, my WH and marriedOW kept theirs on, even while wandering around romantic locales as a couple in love.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1477 | Registered: Dec 2011
sad12008
♀ Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The wedding ring is a highly charged symbol, rightfully so.

Logically, I suppose one could say that it doesn't 'matter'; however, the thought of his hand wearing the ring I gave him being on (I won't even go into other possibilities) another woman seems like an added measure of blatant disrespect. There's the symbol of his vows, and he's 'f*ck that!'.

Of course, taking OFF the ring has its own painful spin, but to me it's slightly less disgusting than keeping it on.

Mine came off the minute I knew, and I will never wear it again; I do intend to give it to one of my kids some day.

Due to my fwH's tawdry past stretching all through our history, even my engagement ring was tainted. We wound up getting a new ring made using the original diamond and adding a couple stones. A new symbol for a new start.

Originally my thought had been to melt down our two original wedding bands and have new ones made, but that was absolutely cost prohibitive.


"Everybody's life is hard. You look at life, and it's not a cakewalk. You've got to be able to bounce back." --Neil Young, father to two children with CP, another with epilepsy, and otherwise experientially qualified to comment

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
Doubts
♀ Member
Member # 40209
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked my WH the same question. It was one of those questions that has no right answer. If he took it off it would show forethought and control. If he kept it on it shows that he didn't care. The ring is just a piece of garbage now, as are mine. He threatened to hock his and I told him to be sure to split the money with me.

Posts: 59 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: CA
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doubts, I know this is a painful subject but I laughed out loud when I read your response to your WH's threat to hock his ring.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 350 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
ILINIA
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH took his ring off and left it in the car when he went to her apartment. When they finished, he put it back on and returned to work.

I don't think there is an answer that will make you feel better. When asked, he told me he took it off for himself. He knew it was wrong and he made the conscience and selfish decision to proceed.

I have not worn my ring since dday, it just makes me sad even thinking about it. He still wears his ring, as though he's some sort of "super husband". He told me recently, that he realizes that he should have seen the ring as a warning or a barrier that stopped him, but he didn't see it that way at the time and it proves just how skewed this thoughts were at the time. Gee, now I feel much better, thanks.


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 429 | Registered: Jul 2013
Completelybroken
♀ Member
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep this is a crappy question I got the answer too an hour ago....so on one hand I'm thrilled it never touched that sluts body but I'm sad each time he made the conscious choice to take it off so he knew what he was doing was wrong


Me-BS 31
Him-FWH 37
Dday-7-6-13
EA-1yr
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013
painandgrief
♀ Member
Member # 40158
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the excellent advice. I've started to understand my own patterns, if I don't ask something, it will eat away at me and I just cant' let it go.

I asked and was surprised by the answer and non-answer. He didn't wear it when he was with her. The first reason given was guilt, the second was because he knew that it would make her uncomfortable.

What surprised me was when I asked him about during the work day, since he does not work with her. I thought he would have taken if off at night when he met up with her.
He claimed he didn't remember if he wore it during the day or not. So obviously, he chose not to wear it at all.

So the surprise was that he presented to his work colleagues that he wasn't married. That meant the ring came off when he arrived over there and only went back on when he came back home.

Now the ring means nothing to me. I'm glad I know. I'm not angry, I'm satisfied to have clarity about one more aspect of what I thought reality was. Reality is now reset to understand the depths of his selfishness.

I'm starting to come to terms with how her feelings have overridden mine time and time again.

I met alone with our MC yesterday. She recommended the 180. I now have the strength and determination to do it.


BS 50
WS 49
2 teenage kids
DDay - May 2013

"Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer care"


Posts: 54 | Registered: Aug 2013
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine kept his on. Didn't even think about it. It's never been off his finger in 18years and he just didn't think about it. She knew he was married and knowing her she would have got a kick out of him using that hand to touch her.

When I pointed out that it was his left hand he used to 'touch her intimately'I first made him Dettol it. That didn't help I still felt sick. Then I made him take it off and hide it.

He replaced it with his old tacky engagement ring I got him as a teenager. I was touched by that. Then he told me he didn't want the ring to be kept in case I ever stumbled across the hiding place. .... So he ceremoniously flushed it down the loo and said he will stick to his engagement ring until we know if I can R and replace his wedding ring. He said the engagement ring means more cos at that time he was the man he wants to be again.

can I be REALLY crude here .... don't read on if you're squeamish! I took great pleasure in going to the toilet straight after he flushed the wedding ring. He shat on our marriage so I did on the ring! it was surprisingly cathartic for me and I feel much happier now every time I see his engagement ring, horrible as it is - cheesy snake ring -because it shows me he wants to start again from scratch and win me back. He refuses to go ringless but turns out he detested the wedding ring after what he did. It was a permanent reminder to him.


Together 18yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 589 | Registered: Jul 2013
Bloomsday
♂ Member
Member # 40275
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting topic and responses. My XWW took her's off. It was her way of "turning off" her marriage vows while she cheated. As noted above, there would be no good answer. But as significant as a wedding ring can be, there are worse ideas to fixate on. Like the times I picked her up at the airport when she returned from a "business trip" and kissed her deeply, oblivious as to where her lips had been that day. In retrospect, I think I would gladly trade the ring thingie not to have done that until after she brushed her teeth.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Aug 2013
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..for me, bottom line was the fact that WW would engage in the 'activities' at all, with or without her rings on (going steady ring and wedding bands)..

..meant that she had no respect for the rings to begin with.

..being my gf or my wife didn't stand in her way from betraying me..

..i don't wear any rings or jewelry at all, ..only my watch!

..as a symbol of all that is sacred in one's marriage, the rings were a total joke..

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4103 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Topic Posts: 32
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