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Newest Member: Gladiator5 (45339)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: This really sucks.
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Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenman, the advice you are getting is first class and so very realistic. We have experienced similar grief.

I think if the OM listens to you and agrees to stop the affair because of how it is destroying your marriage, [of course it could damage his reputation as well], then that would help tremendously. Tell him if you file you will need to name him as co-respondent in the divorce proceedings. That should give him something to occupy his mind.

Meanwhile demonstrate a degree of toughness in the face of your WW's disrespect and see an attorney. Tell your wife you are seeking primary custody of the children and intend to expose the affair to anyone who will listen.

You cannot nice your wife out her current mindset, she has to let go of this crazy infatuation herself. Meanwhile do not hang around and wait for her to get better; give her a taste of what she could lose. Go on the offensive and file.

Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
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Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't bring myself to share the full details. Too embarrassing.

Dude, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. The night I found out, I started weeping in the middle of a restaurant. My waitress (a complete stranger) asked me what was wrong, and I told her. It made it seem that much more true, which hurt, but was also a load off.

Since then, I tell everyone.

You're the one who needs support. Tell everyone. Fuck her if it makes her angry.

Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous

Posts: 2089 | Registered: Jan 2013
♂ New Member
Member # 40179
Sad  Posted: 1:37 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's over.

She went to her FIRST counseling session. She came back very stern, but calm, and told me in no uncertain terms that we were over... and that the therapist agreed it was probably for the best. She wants to get the process started for figuring out all the logistics of the whole thing. She claims there is zero relationship with the OM. She just hasn't had feelings for me forever. She admits her giant mistake and that she has huge personal issues to deal with, and she will continue to do counseling. She wants me to have open access to the children at all times, split everything down the middle, bla bla. She says the counselor has all of the insight for us on how to proceed, break it to the kids, etc (family therapist).

So, I'm in a bit of shock right now. I meet with the counselor tomorrow. Left a message with a very good divorce attorney.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2013
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Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I'm so sorry.

Sometimes I wonder if this isn't how my husband feels about me, he just doesn't have the guts to say so. On the bright side? (I know, sorry). At least now you know for sure and you can start moving on with your life. Easier said than done, believe me I know. But we'll continue to be here for you if you need a sounding board throughout the process.


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."

Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
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Member # 35258
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry broken...If she's not willing to fight for the M then there's nothing you can do.

This is exactly how my M ended. I drafted up a fair D agreement, she signed it without even reading it, and I began the healing process.

Take her offer of an easy D, don't let a greedy D attorney make a fight where there isn't one (they will try it, it makes them $).

Head over to the D forum on here for advice as needed. Take care of yourself and your kids. I know you feel crushed right now, but I promise you it will get better. It'll be a roller coaster, but will get better in the long run.

Me BH - 33
3 beautiful young children
DDay 12/13/11

Posts: 650 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Michigan
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Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry for you Brokenman.

Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4003 | Registered: Dec 2011
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Member # 35258
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW, the whole line about "I haven't had feeling for you for a long time, blah, blah" is a lie. Don't believe that. It is a defense mechanism, it justifies the A in her head and allows her to take the easy out and end the M and pretend it wasn't her fault. Unfortunately, she is taking the easy way out, but you should know that she did (and likely still does) have feelings for you.

My xWW said the same thing to me, and it really hurt. But my watching her actions and reflecting on the past, I learned it wasn't true. Take heart in that broken.

Me BH - 33
3 beautiful young children
DDay 12/13/11

Posts: 650 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Michigan
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Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm sorry you find yourself here and are in such pain.

Tons of good advice here, lots of caring people.

For what it is, you couldnt be in a better place.

You really need to take care of you and the kiddies. Do the 180. Have you found it? Its in the healing library.

It took my husband months to come out of his fog. It may well be the same for your wife. You knows?

In the meantime, follow all this great advice you've been given and focus on your own healing.

Sending you strength,,,,,

Posts: 617 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
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Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with everyone here. contact an attorney asap. Either she is contacting an attorney to try and intimidate you into not talking about the affair to anyone or she thinks this OM is in love with her.

Out her affair.

I am the mother of older children and only imo, but no matter how young the kids are an affair is not going to be easy. My son is 19 now 15 when it all began. He found out last year. Not good. So the sooner you can get through it either R or D is better for them, don't wait because you think if they are older it will be better.

I am so sorry for you. Post here much because the people her are wonderful and insightful. . . . HUgs

Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
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Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Your wife just keeps dropping bombs on you.

I know you are in shock and hurting right now.

What is coming out of her mouth is BS.

But if she is not willing to fight for her marriage then let her go.

She wants easy then give her easy.

Your wife is a selfish coward. And right now you need to look out for yourself and children.

Because your wife is not thinking of you or the kids but only herself.


Posts: 899 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
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