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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What were/are your conditions for R?
SimpleTruth
♀ New Member
Member # 38507
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Considering R.
What were/are your conditions for R?
How are you R?
Why are you R?
Have you experienced false R?


D-Day 10/15/2012

Separated (3/8/2013) and in limbo.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a related article in "The Healing Library" titled, What the WS/BS Must Do to Reconcile:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/reconcile_musts.asp

I chose to R to uphold my wedding vows. I considered our marriage reconciled at 18 months out. We are now over 6 years out and happily reconciled. I have no regrets about choosing to R and there was no false R.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 10:39 PM, August 4th (Sunday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Posts: 5630 | Registered: Aug 2007
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Knock on wood I haven't experienced false R. The lure for me to R was the promise of the M I always wanted, a better M.

Conditions for R were transparency, passwords & access, IC for both of us, reading about infidelity and reconciliation, MC, improved communication & intimacy, and no more infidelity.

I will not waste my time with a WS who doesn't show remorse and a willingness to change.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't really set down any official conditions except no more computer gaming. I wasn't on SI at the time and didn't know I was supposed to. But transparency, NC, etc just kind of happened out of common sense I guess.

Why? Because I am finally getting the marriage I have been begging him for all along and now he wants it too. Also bc his level of remorse is very high, as is his determination to make this work.

How? Tons of reading. MC. And we talk ALL the time. Every single night. We also subscribe to the policy of joint agreement (from marriage builders, but basically it just says that you make ALL decisions together and with enthusiastic agreement)and that helps us feel "together".


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1075 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
SorrowBhindSmile
♀ Member
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my conditions....total transparency. no lies, no actions that would make me question anything. no porn, no strip clubs. working together to create a boundary agreement to help rebuild trust. complete access to everything.

how are we....by building a brand new marriage from the ground up. both my WH and i (thru much IC/MC) have seen the cracks and flaws in our old marriage. Our intention behind R is not to get back what we had, but to build something new, based on respect, trust and open honest communication. We read books, attend MC regularly, read stuff on the net. We have worked hard to recognize and correct unhealthy habits/behaviors and replace them with new, positive ones.

Why...because we have been married for over 20 years. And while this is most certainly the most painful thing i have experienced, i feel like i owe it to myself and my family to at least try. It took me over 7 months to fully commit to R, and i do not do so lightly. But i have seen the way my WH has grown and changed in that time. I see how hard he has been trying. I see the work he has done on himself. OTHER people have seen the changes in him. I know this wont be fixed over night, and i know i have a long road ahead of me...but we have a history.

hugs to you. This is a long and difficult journey. sending strength and support your way.


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Conditions: no opposite sex "friends," transparency, NC, that he keep learning about the why's of need for external validation, post nup to take care of me and children before him if he chucks the family again.

How? OK, depends on the day. Mostly the problem is me. PTSD issues combined with fear of abandonment were triggered by the infidelity.

False R? Yes. 2 1/2 years. He substituted the EA for porn. He is off porn for good now (he and I hope) and he is more emotionally available than ever before. maybe TMI...No more porn or mas**rb**ion has helped our sex life too...he has more self control to last longer.

Why? He really gets it. We have children still at home, whom I homeschool. I might have to quit homeschooling if we D, due to finances. He comes from a D family. First H (we had no children) came from a D family. I don't want to raise my children in a D family. I believe 1st H and current WH were both damaged by their parents' D's. Last...WH and I L each other.

[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 2:23 AM, August 5th (Monday)]


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Alexisk17
♀ Member
Member # 39566
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Conditions for R was the same transparency bit that the previous posters had mentioned. In addition I set boundaries concerning his alcohol and pot use as these were items we constantly fought about prior to and during A. We also negotiated time for WH to spend in his hobbies (he plays in a hockey league and golfs in the summer) and in return time spent as a family. Basically, anything that caused major conflict in our relationship needed to be negotiated and spelled out.

We are attending MC twice a month, I go to IC once a month, we have one date night out and two date nights in every month. It has been a lot of work on both our parts, I know things haven't always gone as smoothly as I had hoped but at least we're giving it a go.

Why? A few reasons... We have two kids together, I love him, I missed him while we separated and mostly because I feel like we can get through this.

No false R yet but we have had our share of setbacks. They mostly are related to WH's lack of responsibility and the boundaries we set out as opposed to contact with OW. Neither of us are perfect and I'm trying to accept that progress is progress as opposed to getting frustrated over where we are at this moment.

All the best!!


BS (me) - 27
WH - 28
2 sons (born 2010 & 2013)
Married: 2009
Dday: March 2013
R: May 2013 - MC and IC

Posts: 90 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were both willing and ready to R upon Dday.
My conditions were total transparency, this included passwords to his emails, phone. NC, and that he send his NC email to her in front of me. I actually had him make a new email address, and send it, and then I promptly changed the password, and "closed" that email.
No more lies was the biggest one. I told him his ongoing lies, and the amount, and ability to do it, was more hurtful than anything and lies, no matter how insignificant he felt they were, were unacceptable.
Last condition for R was for him to figure out why he did it, and fix whatever that reason was.

Yes we had a false R - I guess you could call it that, or that intially I was all in on R, and he was trying to figure out if that's what he really wanted, or whatever. He broke NC multiple times in the first few months. It took me taking my rings off, and showing him the door for him to defog completely, and end all contact with her.

How are we now? 5 years out, healed, and happier than ever. It took a good 2 years of hard work to get to that point, but it was worth it. We are in a better place now.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8077 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Smedley
♂ Member
Member # 33446
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My conditions were
* Empathy and understanding from WS
* Full disclosure
* No contact with AP
* Willingness for WS to accept accountability for affair


Married 25
Her WS - 48
Me BH - 50
3 Kids
DDay 8/25/11 - learned of multiple instances with other man which has spanned most of my marriage

Posts: 93 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: VA
letitout
♀ Member
Member # 38288
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 7 months out and still mad at him, but we are R because of our age and length of our marriage and we did have a really good relationship in the beginning of the M.

Two big conditions are Honesty and no more PORN. EVER. I'm not sure he can do the last one and age be damned I will leave. The other is emotional availability. He doesn't like to hug or kiss much and I'm not sure I want to live with that now. THe other thing is he has to do womwork the IC is giving us. Currently he wont read anything. Nada.

But he is being really nice and trying to change. He is an unemotional man and hard for him to show his feelings, and I am hoping he will change.

He has just started IC and we insurance wont cover MC so none of that. But I hope with IC he will understand the why. He still has a tendency to blame me. He has a lot of issues to deal with.

With all that said, you can tell I am still mad. I think we can recover as long as he does the work.


BW 55, WH 64
2 years of prostitutes.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: California
LivingALie
♀ Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Considering R.
What were/are your conditions for R? The typical; transparency, NC is a MUST. He has to “get it” – which after 2 ˝ years I think he’s just beginning to

How are you R? For the most part ok – but we have special circumstances – he was diagnosed recently with a life-threatening illness

Why are you R? A few reasons, age – length of marriage, family – and he’s fighting for his life now

Have you experienced false R? Oh please….don’t even get me started on that one!


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1259 | Registered: Nov 2007
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are 7 weeks out. I didn't draw up a list, but I would say they were:

Conditions: NC - He wrote and I helped edit the email to her the night I found out.

How? MC, lots of reading/conversation, and spending time together. Reorganizing priorities and dynamics in the family. Learning to meet each other's needs better (after 25 years!)

Why? I always believed, and still do, that we have a fundamentally solid marriage. We genuinely like and love each other, we just fell short in a couple very important spots. As long as fWH continues to pull his load, I am excited about where we are headed.

False R? Knock on wood, no.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1858 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
hopefullromantic
♀ Member
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My conditions for R, other than the obvious NC, transparency, etc were that he change jobs (he did and we also moved to another state), better communication (much better, tho there is still a lot left unsaid on both our parts), more emotional intimacy (maybe slightly more but hard to achieve when there's so much unsaid), and to find out the deep down reasons why he did this, not just the superficial ones (this seems to be too difficult/painful for him).

The why we R is because we love each other. We had been very happily married for a long, long time before his MLC or whatever it was. Hard to throw away something so good over a "phase" or personal crisis or whatever.

Yes, there was false R for several weeks. He could not admit to everything and I tried to believe that it was an EA only and done with. Neither were true. Once I found enough proof there was more he was able to face what he had done and finally end it and come clean about the details. NC was a bit sketchy (OW kept fishing) until he was able to finally leave the job. He loved me but the fog lingered for a while there and it took a while for him to completely get his senses back.

We've been in R for a long time now. We still love each other and things are pretty much back to normal. My problem is I feel I am owed better than what was normal, so I still feel disappointed and hurt. I'm still glad I stayed though. He is a good man and I love him.


It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1741 | Registered: Oct 2007
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in the same spot as Knowing....

I wanted to have a better marriage to MY HUSBAND and he wanted the same thing. I look on marriage as for better or worse. This is the worse part and we have been honestly and diligently working towards a new M.

Everything happens to you for a reason. I was one of the lucky ones....my husband got what he did was wrong, disgusting and horrible from minute one....he has been destroyed by this A as much as I have. Together we are helping each other through the hell. Together we will make a better R.

I did not,nor do I ever want "step" to be part of my name.

If your hubby is showing complete remorse over this, feels like a total shit and consistantly tries to improve life for you I suggest going for it. At some point in time even the BS has to make a leap of faith and go for it or I feel you will live in that hell we all are in for a very long time.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 11:08 AM, August 5th (Monday)]


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS......only you know what you need for R....think hard at what you need and ask for it. no one else can tell you what is part of your situation.


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly what Knowing said.

My H owned his behavior from the night I found out to where we are today, 8 months in. We have had to tweak some things here and there but we are both still in IC.

There cannot be R without remorse and he is certainly remorseful.

I tried to throw in the towel a few times early on so scared and angry as I was but he would stop at nothing. At some point, I took a deep breath and decided that I could not be stuck in that horrible moment that night I found out.

I am determined to learn something from this and I certainly have. We have used the A as an opportunity to improve our marriage and to grow as individuals. But it takes time and again, it CANNOT be done with a spouse who is NOT remorseful. But that's okay bc I am not going anywhere and neither is he.

Best to you.
LA

[This message edited by LA44 at 11:16 AM, August 5th (Monday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2218 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
sportsfan
♂ Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

* For her to change jobs = didn't happen,
* Full disclosure = didn't get it,
* To tell me his name = took 6 months,
* NC = how can i really know for sure,
* IC = she went twice,
* MC = she went twice,
* To read the books that I gave her = not even a chapter,
* To change jobs = nope,

* Dday was 8 years ago this week = we're still M.


Posts: 1939 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
weeping willow
♀ Member
Member # 22800
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

* For her to change jobs = didn't happen,
* Full disclosure = didn't get it,
* To tell me his name = took 6 months,
* NC = how can i really know for sure,
* IC = she went twice,
* MC = she went twice,
* To read the books that I gave her = not even a chapter,
* To change jobs = nope,
* Dday was 8 years ago this week = we're still M.

((((((sportsfan))))))

My conditions for R: NC, empathy, remorse & full disclosure.

No false R here.


BW - me FWH - him
D Day - July 26, 2007
Married 36 years


Posts: 1793 | Registered: Feb 2009
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really appreciate this thread. I am currently writing my WH a letter including my list. The main 4 topics are: Remorse, Transparency/Truthfulness, Accountability/Responsibility, and No Contact. I am adding a list of specific behaviors I need, such as understanding my anger, ongoing apologies, sensitivity to triggers, excessive communication when "entertaining for business" (his cover for A), etc. He's been doing a lot of things right already and we both feel we have the opportunity for a better M on the other side of this. The path is still jagged and rough, though. Best of luck to all on this thread!


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 647 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rehab, nc, complete transparency, mc, counseling...all we my requirements as i threw him out of the house for not complying.

a true attempt at r for the last 9 months...he is doing "all he can do to help me heal" but it is a rollercoaster.

i took him back because i know that deep down inside he is a good person, loves me and our baby...and is remorseful...and is doing the hard work to heal himself, me, and our m.

yes, i have experienced false r....i didnt have a solid list of r requirements in the beginning, and i sure as heck wasnt strong enough to enforce them. guess i should have known when he wouldnt give me access to his phone records that something was off. lesson learned. 9 months later, i learned he was still cheating but with a different ow. put my bitchboots on...and was non negotiable on my r requirements.

we are taking this whole thing one day at a time.

my best to you.....be strong.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 934 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Topic Posts: 21
Pages: 1 · 2

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