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User Topic: First guy I've liked since ex - Not going well!
Crash!
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Default  Posted: 2:03 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll try to keep the story short-ish.

I met a guy about a year ago when I was still getting over my breakup with my ex. I kind of liked him when we first met, but when we went out I just did not fancy him at all. At the end of the night he looked like he wanted to kiss me, and I just bolted into the tube. I think I wasn't ready to date yet, because I really hadn't liked anyone in any serious way since the ex.

Anyway, a few months later he joined my sports team, and I was kind of regretting not kissing him and I found myself starting to like him a bit. But he was kind of awkward with me and then I found out he was kind of seeing someone. Fair enough. And anyway, I was really hesitant to date someone on my team since I have to see them a couple times a week and they kind of feel like family to me. They were a great support when my ex and I split, and I'm scared to mess with that.

We went away to a tournament with our team, and pretty much spent the whole weekend hanging out. Afterwards, he texted me and said he owed me a drink and an explanation. I was intrigued, since I had no idea what he wanted to explain. We drank together for hours and I finally had to ask him what he wanted to explain. Basically, he's been on and off with this ex for ages now, but he really likes me and wanted to kiss me all weekend and wasn't sure what to do. "I like you, but I come with a warning label" he said. I told him to sort it out and then get back to me.

And then we were just friends for a month, but always texting and hanging out at practices and stuff. People asked if there was anything going on.

Finally about a month ago after a game, I got pretty drunk and we wound up holding hands under the table at the pub. After everyone else had gone, he wound up back at my house (his is mega far away and it was late).. I did ask him about the ex, and tell him that I was worried about messing with my happy-place on the team but that I like him. He said the ex thing was a thing of the past, and that he understood what I was saying. So he came back to mine. We didn't sleep together, but did pretty much everything else.

The next morning I told him I felt a bit weird. I think it was because he was very un-feelingy about it all. he didn't say much about liking me or enjoying it or that he wanted to hang out again soon or anything, so I had no idea what he felt or where he stood. Friends were excited for me, but I kind of felt upset by it all.

I asked if he wanted to go for drinks the next week, thinking I could get some clarity. Instead, we wound up back at his, and as clothes were coming off, I asked if it was just a physical thing. He said he didn't know. I asked what that meant, and he said he liked hanging out with me, so no. Fine. It felt shitty, though. But he always texted me, asked questions, wanted to see how I was, etc. I figured I'd wait and see what happened, but the whole thing was making me feel a bit panicky and insecure.

And then we went away to another tournament, and he kind of ignored me all day, and then we went out to eat where we talked so much we were accused of being out on our own private date. And then after everyone went to bed we had one more drink in the lobby and he kissed me. He said he hoped the day was OK because he was worried that I'd told him the team was my thing and he didn't want to get in the way of that. Fair enough. Not what I meant, but maybe it explained the whole hot and cold thing? Anyway, we kissed for a bit and then he was getting a bit too gropey and trying to get us to get a room (or find a broom closet to fool around in - classy!!) so I went to bed.

And then a couple days after that after another game. More drinks, more him back at my place. Still no sex, but the same old routine of everything but.

And now, his texts have cooled off, he's still not asked me out, I have no idea where I stand and I feel really insecure.

Part of me feels like I'm being played. Like I've ended up as a FWB (or a WB, I guess) against my will. And now I like him and no matter what happens next, my feelings will likely get hurt. I mean, if he liked me in a dating way, he'd have asked me out, right? Or expressed some "I like you" in some way after we hooked up.

But he's a genuinely shy, sometimes really awkward guy. When he was explaining himself about his ex, it took him ages to get it out. And he's nice. Like, random people on the team have just been going around saying how nice he is, what a great guy he is, etc. I don't know. I was upfront with him about how I felt, and it's surprising that he'd just take advantage of me.

So. I either have a nice, awkward guy, a confused guy, or a player guy on my hands.

And my options are to either cool down the texts and back off, or just to go for a drink and ask him what his deal is (but this time, while all our clothes are on).

Be gentle, thread. I have a feeling you'll all hammer me for this, but I've tried my best and the whole thing has really upset me. It's the first anything I've had in more than 2 years and I feel so horribly vulnerable and out of practice, and nervous.

I've learned my lesson for next time - clothes stay on until I know what the deal is (I don't think I'm cut out to be a FWB) but I'd like to salvage this situation somehow. Top choice would be sorting it out with him because I do like him, but barring that I need to know how to get out of this in a way that will be least painful and awkward for me, considering I still have to see him and everyone else thinks he's the best guy in the world ever.

[This message edited by Crash! at 2:17 AM, August 5th (Monday)]


I got out. I think I saved myself.

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: UK
Lilypad
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Member # 36399
Default  Posted: 2:27 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is just my take but does he have a drinking problem? Seems like the only way he connects is after a few drinks.

I only speak from experience as I'm an alcoholic and I see his pattern. Everyone thinks us alkies have it together!

Personally, I would move on. Sounds like he has lots of baggage and you don't need it. This is just my opinion though.


“You can make mistakes, but you are not a failure until you blame others for those mistakes.” -John Wooden

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Canada
Crash!
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Member # 32662
Default  Posted: 3:37 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think so, though I'm not close enough to him to say for sure. But I do think he's quite shy, and maybe he's less inhibited when he's been drinking?

I wind up seeing him a lot in bars and pubs because we tend to do a lot if socialising. But he also plays a lot of sports, travels, does family things, etc.

And maybe moving on us the way to go. I don't know. I'm not texting him right now because his last few texts haven't been overly warm or welcoming and I'm starting to feel dumb. But I am afraid of just pushing him away all together because I still want him to like me :(

[This message edited by Crash! at 3:53 AM, August 5th (Monday)]


I got out. I think I saved myself.

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: UK
summerain
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Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 3:58 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I would move on. Sounds like he has lots of baggage and you don't need it. This is just my opinion though

Yep, why bother he sounds like an arse. You deserve better


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Lilypad
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Member # 36399
Default  Posted: 4:36 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I am afraid of just pushing him away all together because I still want him to like me :(

Gently. A guy that is really into you, wouldn't be treating you like this.

He has already told you that he comes with a warning label. This is a guy who can't be upfront on what he wants and doesn't have his crap together.

You deserve someone who will treasure you and treat you with the respect that you deserve. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

I spent my whole life just settling on someone because I didn't want to be single. I made horrible choices in men because of this.

There is a man out there who will treat you like gold. Don't ever settle for anything less.

[This message edited by Lilypad at 4:36 AM, August 5th (Monday)]


“You can make mistakes, but you are not a failure until you blame others for those mistakes.” -John Wooden

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Canada
SBB
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Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Run.Don't.Walk.

Have a good hard look - this is him at his best, showing you his very best.

It looks like a train wreck from where I'm sitting.

he's been on and off with this ex for ages now,

I wonder how many OW have been told this?

If he cheats WITH you he will cheat ON you.

Just because someone seems better than our rubbish exes doesn't make them a healthy option for us.

This isn't about having too high standards - IMO your standards are too low, way too low.

I urge you to examine why any of this is anywhere near OK with you.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
NaiveAgain
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Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we are most vulnerable right after we split from our WS. So the next relationship we go into, we go with the baggage of worrying overly about how things will go, are we actually "dateable" again, will our hearts get broken again......and it is extremely rare that the first person we date after our break-up works for us.

I know you really like this guy, but he isn't making you feel loved and secure. I've found that when things click between two people, all the mind-games aren't necessary because the partners will talk (communicate!!!!) with each other about what they really want, where they really stand, and how they feel. And they will do it honestly without ulterior motives.

I am having a hard time correlating shyness with having sex early in a relationship, because my shy friends.....sex is kind of scary to them. Most of my friends that are truly shy have to really get to know someone before they will get to the sex part.

I think this guy has a lot of baggage and will be a LOT of work. And even then there are no guarantees....and do you really want a guy that you have to baby and coax into a relationship with you?

I prefer one that knows what he wants and works to make it happen.

(((hugs))) I'm sorry this isn't going well for you, but at this point if it were me...I would back off the relationship part and just keep it friendly (so you have no problems being on the same team together.) The awkwardness will fade and then you will be open to someone who knows how to make you a priority and SHOW you he really wants to be with you.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15291 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
HURTAGAIN1981
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Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently. A guy that is really into you, wouldn't be treating you like this.

He has already told you that he comes with a warning label. This is a guy who can't be upfront on what he wants and doesn't have his crap together.

You deserve someone who will treasure you and treat you with the respect that you deserve. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

I spent my whole life just settling on someone because I didn't want to be single. I made horrible choices in men because of this.

There is a man out there who will treat you like gold. Don't ever settle for anything less.

I have to agree wholeheartedly with this. This is how my relationship with exNPD asshole started and it didn't turn out to be too pretty.

I too thought it was because he was shy in the beginning. He also 'warned me' as did yours. Mine said that he was broken basically, and I didn't believe him., I wish I had RUN back then!Turned out he was a huge commitment-phobe, a liar, a cheat and a disgusting individual. I took his inability to commit as being shy, inexperienced and innocent. I couldn't have been more wrong. Instead he was a sexual deviant who preyed on people like me to meet his disgusting needs.

I'll echo what is above. If this makes you feel insecure (I did too), then it isn't right for you. if it 'doesn't feel right, then it really isn't right. A man who is truly into you would make it known to you. You would not have to second guess yourself or question what is going on.

RUN!


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
Take2
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Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So you only really get together with him based on the team events. You've hooked up at your house and while you are away - never at his house. He's giving you mixed signals, but has never actually made a date with you and only ever texts you (?) - and there has been an "ex-gf" in and out of the mix somewhere.

Yeah - that doesn't sound promising. It sounds like you could even be an unwitting OW.

I get that he is your first interest since the ex but
you deserve better - don't you?

[This message edited by Take2 at 7:12 AM, August 5th (Monday)]


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4135 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
CluelessGuy
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Member # 28491
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're stuck dealing with him because he's on your team. I'd suggest talking it out with him and give him the 'let's just be friends' talk.

By his actions, he pretty clearly isn't interested in much else than hooking up when you have a few drinks. He may think that's OK with you when it's not. Let him know that very clearly, set some good boundaries and find someone else who will treat you as you want to be treated.

As you describe him, he may very well be a pretty nice guy who is a bit shy and then loosens up after a few drinks (as we all do). But he seems to be happy to take advantage of your friendship (and very likely, your vulnerability) to get a little action without any real commitment.

Some women are OK with that arrangement. You have some feelings for him and are obviously not. Tell him so and then cool off the friendship. And the drinking with him.

((Crash!))


BH - early 40s
XWW - early 40s
Two kids

D-Day - Easter 2010
D-Day 2 - July 18, 2010

Divorced - Nov. 26, 2012


Posts: 427 | Registered: May 2010
cmego
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Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doesn't sound like he is looking to DATE you. If he wanted to date, you would know. You won't be guessing or having to "pull" him toward you.

My ex is a really "nice guy". People love him and think he is wonderful. Just because they are "nice guys" doesn't mean he is serious about dating you. Awkward or not, he would be showing classic signs of interest.

If it were me, I would be honest. I would say, "I have more than a FWB's interest in you. You aren't showing that you want anything besides a FWB, therefore I am going to pull back and we can stay friends on the team."

Then...do that. Pull back. Treat him like a friend and move on with your life. If he wants something more, you will know.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
ladies_first
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Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still no sex, but the same old routine of everything but. And now, his texts have cooled off, he's still not asked me out,

Gently, he's never asked you out on a date, and since he's never made any effort-- but you've taken your clothes off...

This sounds like a "hook-up." I'm sorry, because it's clear you are a genuine person looking for a real relationship.

Sadly, it doesn't appear that this is it.

Here's a good motto:
Look at his actions, not just his words.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
heartbroken_kk
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Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So. I either have a nice, awkward guy, a confused guy, or a player guy on my hands.

You do not have a "nice, awkward guy" on your hands. Nope. His behavior is not nice. Quoting your OP:


"I like you, but I come with a warning label" he was very un-feelingy about it all. he didn't say much about liking me or enjoying it or that he wanted to hang out again I kind of felt upset by it all.
...as clothes were coming off, I asked if it was just a physical thing. He said he didn't know. I asked what that meant, and he said he liked hanging out with me, so no. Fine. It felt shitty, though. he kind of ignored me all day

Girl, just let him go. Do not try to take this any further. You deserve better. He is awkward, sure, but not nice. Nice people don't set others up to have the kinds of feelings you are having. Maybe he's "nice" to be with as a teammate, as an acquaintance. But he is not nice to be in an intimate relationship with, and you need to end that now if you want to treat yourself with the kind of respect you deserve.

I suggest you tell him that you've come to realize you are not compatible romantically and that going forward your relationship will need to be friends and teammates only.

((((Crash))))


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1221 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
InnerLight
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Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've gotten good feedback here.

My first thought was also that alcohol was a problem, at least in that it isn't wise to believe what anyone has to say about their relationship to you if they are tipsy to drunk. In the clear light of day things are different. If you have a relationship discussion with him, have it without alcohol. I've seen men promise my girlfriends so much but it was all said under the influence and vanished once the alcohol was out of their system. I've made it my inner rule not to believe serious discussions with alcohol involved, it's such bullshit juice.

He's not that nice a guy, he is leading you on, not being careful with your feelings, not particularly considerate with your heart. He is willing to take advantage of your friendship for sex and momentary companionship. And to be fair, he gave you a huge warning about this at the beginning, but you didn't listen because you wanted what you wanted too.

This isn't promising as a relationship, but take it as a learning experience.

Really, a guy that wants a relationship with you will leave you feeling happy and secure, not like shit after clothes came off.

This isn't working, reset your boundaries and back up to friends / teammates only. I doubt he will be surprised.

[This message edited by InnerLight at 1:34 PM, August 5th (Monday)]


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5862 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Crash!
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Member # 32662
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your wise and intelligent words. I decided to cool things down in my head and try to focus on other things. His texts were more friendly than flirty or fun and he wasn't asking any questions or making good conversation, so I just stopped texting him. And I kept a script in my head for if I ever ended up in a situation where I needed to use it - "I feel like I'm becoming a FWB, and that's not what I want to be" and then leave him to talk.

And just to clear things up, I have been to his flat (a studio with nowhere to hide a wife or girlfriend even if he wanted to!) and we have mutual friends who're encouraging me to go out with him. These are old friends of his from uni who would know if he was doing something sneaky and wouldn't stand for it. So I'm not worried about that. But I am worried about him playing me or (more likely?) just not really knowing what he wants or what he's doing.

Anyway, he texted me the day before our most recent game, and asked if I was coming to cheer (I wasn't playing). I decided to go (partly to see him, I'll admit), look awesome, be friendly with everyone, and then go home alone.

And I did all of those. The second the game ended he was chatting with me, asking how I've been, what I've been up to, my thoughts on the game, etc etc. And then (as usual) we were pretty much talking only to each other. Only, I knew I was going home by myself and had made plans with a friend to get the tube home together.

And then, before I left, he mentioned that he had reservations at a pub/restaurant near his work at lunch the next day that we both like. His friend had cancelled, but he still had the reso so he asked if I wanted to go. I said I'd check my schedule and let him know in the morning...

I went, and it was really nice. No awkwardness, lots of chatting, we ordered 2 meals and then shared them both, he asked lots of questions, and insisted on picking up the bill because he invited me. Which made it feel ever so slightly date-like.

There were vague plans made to go out again, but he's busy next week and I'm away the week after that, so it might be a bit. But he asked if I was doing a secret shopper thing again any time soon (I invited him along on one once), and also said he'd be keen on wakeboarding when I said a friend of mine had done it and I'd like to give it a try. But those could just be conversation.

I feel a bit cautiously optimistic. Heavy emphasis on the cautious. Or, at least I feel like I'm not a complete dork for liking him, that maybe there's something on his end as well, even if no one knows exactly what yet. But I'm really trying not to get my hopes up because he's still not desperately begging me to hang out, and I have no idea what'll happen next, if anything. But I do know that no more clothes are coming off until I make it clear where I stand and he does the same. I found out that it makes me feel crappy, and I'm not cut out for FWB things, at least with guys I might like.

I do also wonder if I'm stuck in an awkward-person feedback loop. I get a bit defensive and standoffish when I like someone. And if he's the same (or shy, or whatever) then we end up just sending texts and alternately ignoring each other and hanging out when we're in group settings. Which is exactly how we're acting. Unfortunately, that's also how a guy who's using me would act.

Anyway. The plan is to just keep in casual contact this week, and I'll see him next weekend at a tournament, and then I'm away on a long weekend trip. But if he doesn't do it first, I might make plans to do a secret shopper dinner thing and invite him along if it feels right.

Thoughts?


I got out. I think I saved myself.

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: UK
LearningToRun
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Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went through a really similar situation. He liked me well enough to sleep with me and hang out with me, but we were not dating.
I quit reading baggage reclaim because, you know, I knew this was just FWB. I kept hoping I was the exception. I also was feeling out "do I want a proper boyfriend" and I convinced myself that maybe I didn't. But I was lying to myself. He started distancing and wanted to slow it down, I suggested ending it all together, he didn't want to do that. (I took tht as a sign too) so I backed of, and wouldn't you know, it ended. Just as I feared. Not only that, he's seeing someone else, like on proper dates. So I licked my wounds for a month and once I had let him go, a guy who wants to be my proper boyfriend showed up.
My point? A guy who will treat you well is out there, but you won't find him while you cling to the crumbs of this - whatever it is. It's scary, but start distancing yourself and creating your single life. A man who wants to be with you will make sure it happens

[This message edited by LearningToRun at 8:45 AM, August 10th (Saturday)]


Posts: 275 | Registered: Feb 2011
Crash!
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Member # 32662
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope this isn't a really silly question but... is that always true? If a guy wants to be with you, he'll always make sure it happens?

And if that's the case, where does my responsibility lie in all of this?


I got out. I think I saved myself.

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: UK
phmh
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Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes -- if a guy is really into you, he'll make it happen.

I recommend this book to anyone as the reenter the dating world after a hiatus, but it sounds like you really need to read it (I just really needed a reread myself!) "He's Just Not That Into You." And I usually recommend checking books out of the library, but this is one I think every lady dating should own and reread occasionally! "Why Men Love Bitches" is also helpful.

Best of luck to you -- things recently ended for me with the first guy I was seriously interested in since my divorce. I know it's tough, but there are plenty of guys out there that will treat you right and make you a priority. You won't be able to find them if you're wasting your time with this waffle. Good luck!!!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3409 | Registered: Dec 2011
CluelessGuy
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Member # 28491
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If a guy wants to be with you, he'll always make sure it happens?

Almost always. Unless he's really insecure, he'll certainly try to make it happen. Or, at the very least, make his interest in something more than a friendship quite clear.

And if that's the case, where does my responsibility lie in all of this?

Move on. If you're fine being friends, by all means, stay friends. Just protect your heart.

I have a female friend who likes me very much (and has for years), we're just friends despite her interest. I also have the reverse situation with a long-time female friend. I think it tends to happen in some but not all male-female friendships. See, When Harry Met Sally.


BH - early 40s
XWW - early 40s
Two kids

D-Day - Easter 2010
D-Day 2 - July 18, 2010

Divorced - Nov. 26, 2012


Posts: 427 | Registered: May 2010
Topic Posts: 19

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