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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: comfort I can never have
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I keep searching for things that would help take away some of the pain from this betrayal, abandonment. These are some of the things I wish were true, but h says not.

I wish he could tell me that he came back to me because he realized that he really did love me but just failed to recognize or appreciate it.

No, he says he was a wreck, didn't know what he was feeling. Came back for the wrong reasons.

I wish that he could tell me that he has always loved me, that he sees now that I was/am the love of his life.

No, he says I never was. I am now for the last couple of weeks.

I struggle so much with the memories of watching him fall in love. I didn't know what I was seeing at the time but now I do.

I struggle with hearing him say he just didn't care.

I struggle with the fact that he left me for someone he had only texted with.

I struggle with the fact that I could be replaced (in his mind) for so very little. That I was of such little value to him that a shallow, brief, texting relationship could be worth the pain I am in.

Then, I think it would be worse if it had been a deeper relationship.

Sometimes it feels as if there is now way around this. It just hurts no matter how you look at it.

Especially knowing what I wished for while he was moving on and all the years before.

I just wanted him to love me. I think we had one of those situations where I was invested and he was not. That is why he could make these choices. I gave and he took.

I think I am struggling with wanting to change the past. No matter how I look at it or try to get reassurance about it, it isn't going to work.

What happened, happened. He felt as he did and nothing I wish for is going to change it.

If we are going to move forward, I have to stop looking for comfort for the past. There is none to be had.

I have to focus on what he is doing now. Work towards the marriage that I always wanted but didn't know how to achieve.

Be patient, ride out this storm of pain, accept that I will never feel good about the way I was treated, never feel good about his betrayal.

No matter how deep I look I will never have the love from him that I thought I had. It was all an illusion. It takes two to make a good marriage. I can never change the past.

I have to recognize what he is able to do now. See the changes in how he treats me now.

The past is only good for reference as to how to change for the future.

This is truly hell.

Facing the truth hurts like I could never have imagined.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divor


Posts: 1416 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am stealing this from someone, but "forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past."

I would try to live your best life, now. If he can rise to the occasion - do it with him, and build something better.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2054 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is painful to read, so you must feel completely devastated. I'm so sorry.
I don't know if what he is offering is enough for you from the way it sounds. Maybe take it slow and see if it's something to build.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
inshockandhurt
♀ Member
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know how you feel cantaccept. I think that most of us feel the same in a lot of ways. We struggle with what we can't change; the awful and unwanted reality of our lives. We wish to crawl back into fantasy land and when we realize that there is no going back it hurts.
I am right here with you on many of these and some days it feels like it is just too much, that I really just want to give up. Like today. That's usually when I come on here and talk to all of you. Thanks for sharing. Hugs.


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."


Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear a lot of pain in your post, and I wish I could give you a hug.
((cantaccept))

No, he says I never was. I am now for the last couple of weeks.

This appears to be one bright spot in an otherwise steaming pile of pooh.

He was honest, he did not always love you. (Painful to hear, not doubt.) But he's being truthful.

It may have been a shallow definition of love, but he didn't love you while he under the luuurve spell of OW.

But he's back, NOW. He does love you, NOW.

If you can accept that love, now, and see his genuine remorse, then I dare say that is comforting a starting point for R.

I have to recognize what he is able to do now. See the changes in how he treats me now.

See, you've already spotted the light.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The pain today feels overwhelming.

It is hard to have your beliefs crushed.

I always believed the things he told me. I always believed that he loved me in spite of his anger.

I just wish that I could hear from him that yes he did love me but because of his own issues, he just didn't appreciate what he had.

The other night he told me that what he was searching for was here all the time. What does this all mean???

I keep asking him, why are you back? He tells me for the potential.

I guess I want to hear that he can't imagine life without me. He can't believe he almost lost the best thing that he ever had.

I have had such a deep, consistent love for him, in spite of the pain, I always loved him.

I just want to feel like I am special to him, I used to believe that.

Today I am feeling like I am just a possibility.

Just in a bad place.

I had a very good day yesterday, first day I didn't cry since dday.

I think it is harder to crash after a good day than to stay in that consistent sadness. too extreme.

All I have ever wanted in life was to love someone and be loved in return. I thought that I had finally found it in him. I see how dysfunctional it all was, how low my expectations were, but it doesn't seem to make it hurt any less.

I am trying so hard to see the positive, it is such a struggle. It hurts so much when your illusions, beliefs are crushed, when you realize that you never had what you thought, that you were lying to yourself.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divor


Posts: 1416 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Reality
♀ Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Cantaccept)))

Crying now. So much of what you wrote resonates with me so strongly, I couldn't breathe through most of your post.

It's so surreal, to invest in something you thought you both were working for, only to be disregarded for so... little. I know exactly what you mean with:

I struggle with the fact that I could be replaced (in his mind) for so very little. That I was of such little value to him that a shallow, brief, texting relationship could be worth the pain I am in.

Mine, too. With chats and emails also involved.

I find myself saying to him, "But I'm always going to know. You could start over with more awareness and knowledge with someone else, but with me, I'm always going to know."

I wish I didn't mean that so whole heartedly when I say it to him - so dispassionately for me, so hopefully for him.

I wish I had better answers for both of us. Just hugs. Just understanding. I'm so sorry.


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((cantaccept))) I am so sorry for the pain you are in and I would be too had I heard what you had to hear.

I don't even know what to say as I too had a difficult time reading your post. All I could think of was that I would leave if my WH had told me that, but then again I think my WH told me the same by his actions post DDay. He couldn't give the MOW up on DDay.

None of this is easy. The only thing that helps get me through is knowing what I know, he knows how I view him now and my view is not pretty. I see a very broken man and to me that is much worse than being a good person who got cheated on by a broken person.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:58 PM, August 5th (Monday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Can't accept)))


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2628 | Registered: Aug 2012
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..
We struggle with what we can't change; the awful and unwanted reality of our lives.
*(inshockandhurt)

..and..

Facing the truth hurts like I could never have imagined.

.. feeling your pain.. sending hugs

((((((cantaccept))))))))

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4129 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Topic Posts: 10

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