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User Topic: Testing WS bad idea?
huRtZ413
♀ Member
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I was wondering have any of you sent out a decoy to test your WS ?

How did it turn out ?
Who did you use?
Did WS pass or fail ?
What was their reaction to it?

I'm not doing it but its a thought....



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I understand why? But why?

I would think that even if they passed the test it would set their healing back.

Kinda like putting a 6 pack of beer in the refrigerator to test a newly sober person. Why take the chance?


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2560 | Registered: Aug 2012
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can understand the desire to test him but...

Gently...what are you hoping to gain by doing this? What if your WS passes? What if he fails?

Is he not showing any remorse? If not you might think about what your can be doing for yourself to take back control of your life and not leave your happiness dependant on him and his decisions.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*posting as a member*

I never sent out a decoy. I just can't see that trying to tempt or trick my WS would do anything but worsen the level of trust in the relationship. It creates a secret to M, unless you tell, and then the WS will have new suspicions.

Everything to lose but nothing to gain.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51941 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Healinggirl
♀ Member
Member # 39747
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I might do this myself one day. I'm aware others may disagree and its got to be a personal decision, but I've discussed this with WH and he says he understands and is Ok with it.

Some private detectives offer the service and reveal who they are to the WH and BW immediately afterwards and include a report.

I might do it....I certainly wouldn't discount it at this stage.

[This message edited by Healinggirl at 12:27 PM, August 5th (Monday)]


Me 58
WS 58 Sexually abused as a boy
OW Prostitutes in double figures
OW number ??? Just another immoral female

D Day 11 November 2012
Reconciling

You can't scale a mountain in a single step


Posts: 145 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Uk
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never done it with a decoy, but yes I can understand testing them, especially in the early days. Others recommend something like a lie detector test. I have no faith in those and know they are not always accurate.

But if you send a decoy to see if he can be seduced, or will betray you, it is a test they can generally pass or fail.

I would say if you do it, you better have a plan for some possible outcomes and what you will do if they "fail." Are you ready to call that a deal breaker, or just add it to bad drama already going?

The reason I ask this is because in my early days, I made a fake email account with the whore's name and sent him a brief message "from her" saying she missed him blah blah blah.

He essentially failed the test, and answered her with a very brief email. However that email was a huge setback because it seemed to imply he would "talk to her about it later."

IMO the only right response would have been A) no response and tell me, or B) Tell her to go to hell, and still tell me. Yes, I would happily accept the B response even though most here swear by NC.

But I must say my plan was not well thought out. We really never discussed (up to that point) what he should do if she attempted contact. He claims he had no intention of ever contacting her again in spite of what the email said. To his credit there were no mushy words or ILYs or anything like that. But to my way of thinking he failed the test, but not completely enough that I was ready enough to call it a deal breaker. I just looked back thinking I had not planned my little test very well. I will not say this sort of test is a bad idea for everyone, even though in my case it did not work out particularly well.


Posts: 5730 | Registered: Apr 2006
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm aware others may disagree and its got to be a personal decision...

FWIW - I would suggest that if your WS isn't doing what it takes to make you feel safe, secure, and showing complete transparency in the relationship then you have your answer. No testing necessary.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would suggest that if your WS isn't doing what it takes to make you feel safe, secure, and showing complete transparency in the relationship then you have your answer

the thing with this - this is probably how she felt before, in a safe relationship. Now, she doesn't know what is true. Hell, my hubby was in an affair, texting me like crazy, telling me I was his lifelong partner. I thought things were great. I get why some may want to go this route. They can't rely on their intuition because their spouse has pulled the wool over too many times.

hurtz: I've thought about this. But like someone else said, it would be a secret and I'm doing my darndest to hold my share of this marriage and that means we have no secrets. If he doesn't, it's on him, not me.

Ya know, I think someone on here a while back did do this. Can't remember the result though. I think it was positive.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4779 | Registered: Dec 2010
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rachelc,

You bring up a very valid point for sure. I am not disagreeing with that aspect at all.

What I am saying is if her WH isn't going above and beyond what he would "normally" do to make her feel safe and secure then she has her answer.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Healinggirl
♀ Member
Member # 39747
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the thing with this - this is probably how she felt before, in a safe relationship. Now, she doesn't know what is true

I couldn't agree more. My WH was SA and automatically responded to any sexual advance whoever they were. I need to KNOW that he's really healed and after the hell he put me through I don't think its much to ask to be really sure.

I trusted him implicitly before and look what happened.


Me 58
WS 58 Sexually abused as a boy
OW Prostitutes in double figures
OW number ??? Just another immoral female

D Day 11 November 2012
Reconciling

You can't scale a mountain in a single step


Posts: 145 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Uk
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got curious after seeing that private eyes offer this service and found that the correct term for it is "honey trapping."

I saw links about how to make money being a "honey trapper," so I googled 'honey trapper jobs + (my county and state)'...and all I got were bee-keeper/honey farms in the area.

Pffft. So much for my honey trapping career aspirations.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1717 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
huRtZ413
♀ Member
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well my WH has been doing very well in changing everything and opening up with communication an TT has never been a problem , but it was a ONS sooo idk im not really worried he will start up a relationship and i believe he is truely recommitted but this before this night never gave any clues that he was going to stray hell he didnt even know as he didnt plan and set out to have a ONS the girl gave him the option and ass wipe took it .



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well im going to do it before we have a kid, that's hopefully a few years away and i can sneak the money out without him knowing.

Before I have kid I want to know, he's proven to be untrustworthy before. So if he fails, he won't be having one with me!


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

, I made a fake email account with the whore's name and sent him a brief message "from her" saying she missed him blah blah blah.

After reading this, I couldn't resist. He totally fell for it too. I made an email address very close to hers and then went in his contacts and changed it to email address I just made (she's still in his contact list because she still works for us). I was in shower when he got the email but by the time I got out, he said he needed to tell me something. To my surprise, he told me that she emailed him and then handed it to me to read. I asked if he responded and he said no. So he passed. I really thought he'd hide it! I'm so relieved!! I'm going to tell him later tonight that it was me.


Posts: 642 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 14

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