@conflicted heart....you are NOT stupid!!!!
You are the partner of a SA. You had a world of hurt and betrayal thrown in your life, and not one teeny tiny bit of this has anything to do with you!!!
This was the hardest part for me. I was so angry....first and foremost, at myself, for not seeing the signs.
S Anon is a gift. If you can't get to a meeting look them up online, you can order the books, participate in online meetings, etc.
Your husbands addiction is not your issue, it is his. All you can do is protect yourself and your kids, and react to what happens in a way that benefits YOUR well being.
SA sucks. Plain and simple. There are mornings I wake up and think, "Really?? Are you serious that I have to deal with this shit??"
If he's not owning his addiction and walking a path, you can't make him. It has to come from him.
I told my husband to get into a 2 week addiction recovery program or papers were in the mail. That was the 2nd day after DDay.
6 months in, he's committed to the program, on meds, and committed to a lot of IC, MC, and the most extensive boundary list you've ever seen.
You are worthy of respect. Sometimes we have to demand what we are worthy of, but we are always worthy of it!!
Hugs and love to you...and to all of us on this painful road.
I choose to thrive. I choose to be happy.
That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger...but damn, aren't I strong enough yet???