at 3 months after dday, i asked him if she was prettier than me (during an emotional discussion) and he said "yes".
those two things hurt me still.
r is going well. it seems to be the usual roller coaster that i read about here on si... wh has been completely out of the fog, nc, transparent, and trying to help me heal by proving himself with his actions... he realizes now that he never did truly love the ow and what a sham of a life he was living.
when we were talking yesterday, i told him that i still feel heartbroken that he said those words... "i love you"... to her. and that he told me, even if it was only once, that she was prettier than me.
he doesn't understand why or how, after all these months of good r... that the things he's done since then don't somehow negate those things he did then. (he hasn't said that they weren't hurtful or that i that i shouldn't be hurt...) he asked me, "how come all the times i've told you you are beautiful and that i love you don't mean anything? how come all you remember is the past" what about now?"
how do i express my appreciation for and acceptance of his compliments and i love you's now... while still having hurt feelings about what he did during the a?
i am so bad at expressing myself with words, especially if i am upset... and i have read so many posters on this site that have such wonderful ways to word things.... and when i read them the light bulb goes off, and i'm like... "YES!!! that is exactly how i feel!!!"
apologies if this was rambling or unclear... i do hope someone understands what i am getting at here...
thank you so much for any input guys....
Would that help?
"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana
The scar remains
Exactly! My WH and I were just dicussing this subject last night.
He thinks because he says all the right stuff now that anything he said in the past shouldn't affect how I feel now.
But, of course, it does. Hurtful words and actions create deep, deep scars. To go with NIK's cutting analogy, just because he is no longer inflicting new cuts, doesn't mean that the wounds he already inflicted on you disappear. They're still their, they're still painful.
Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.
I think it's really hard to balance it all. The past really, really hurts and I'm not over that yet. But at the same time, we are working really hard and in the last week we have made huge progress. We are learning to be open, loving, caring, passionate. It's sooooo nice.
How do I allow a "break" from crying all the time to enjoy this new way of being together while not also stuffing the pain and not dealing with it. I have never been very good at dealing with difficult emotions anyway.....
How to live with that complexity?
I wrote down those betrayals that hurt me the most. There were about eight of them. Not too many for a seven year affair I don't think. I told him I want a sincere apology for each one of those things. I want an acknoledgement that he understands how much they hurt and why. Then I want an apology.
I sent the list with him to our counsellor and he is supposed to be working on it with her. He still hasn't done it, and I will never be really healed without it, so we will see.
If your husband will do that, tell you how he can understand how that would have been so painful for you and really, really, apologize for it, that may help a lot.
3 months after my DD some pretty horrific things were said and written by my wife about me. These were "truths of the moment" and many don't hold water now...as my wife admits she recognizes feeling and saying those things but they are not a part of her now. Problem is...they are a part of us now....just like my rage phase (and things I said and did then) are a part of us.
Once experienced you simply cannot forget.
I take considerable comfort in that this pain has given me wisdom...and, to some extent, courage to put that wisdom to work.
I am no longer blind (have wisdom) to the damage another person can do to me, but am finding the courage to re-engage and get back on that horse. It is NOT comfortable...but courage is not needed for comfortable things...it just takes laziness to do comfortable things....and I am not lazy...no BS who is working on issues following an A are lazy.
Apologize help..and the more detailed the better.
Wisdom so many times has to be gained the old fashioned way...through pain. I hope we all gain all the wisdom we can from this experience. From what I can tell the level of pain costs the same...might as well fill our bags with as much wisdom as we can take with us before we check out of this store! (hopefully our WS will do the same).
God be with us all.
the idea of a likening it to a physical injury that leaves a scar is very helpful... it heals, but leaves a permanent scar... a reminder of the injury that will never completely go away. the pain becomes less sever, but twinges remain.
and writing things down is a good idea too. i am much better able to communicate when not in an upset emotional state.... i need to remember that.
i am so sorry we are all here, but i could not be more thankful to all of you for sharing. it helps so much. i have been in IC since my first dday in june 2011 and i swear i learn more here than in IC.....