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Newest Member: sandihaze (45362)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Afraid to be happy
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still only three months post DDay, but there have actually been some happy hours, and even a couple of 'ok' days. I am afraid to be happy. I am afraid that I am going to get sucker punched - I still have PTSD, my stomach still drops into my stomach every time my husband looks like he has to tell me something, or every time he says, 'Let's go for a drive', or 'I have to talk to you about something'.

I'm afraid to be happy because it feels like it's too soon to be happy - if I don't remind him once a day how desperately I hurt inside, he might think what he did was not so bad.

I know he's devastated himself, I know he will never forget, so I know that's not the truth. But it's just a fear. Normal?


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally normal.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
thebirdcage
♀ New Member
Member # 39274
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 4 months out and feel the exact same way. In fact, we have more good days than bad. That's not to say there still isn't bad days, moments, triggers. I also feel like if I show him I'm happy that he won't think what he did was so bad or that I am completely over it. I've talked to him. He's expressed to me that he suffers daily for what he did whether I bring it up or not. It's a tough battle. I'm glad I'm not alone in this.

Posts: 30 | Registered: May 2013
TryingEveryday
♂ New Member
Member # 39429
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know what you mean! We're seven months now, and definitely have good days (which then go over the hill in the rollercoaster world we live in to a bad day), but I totally identify with what you feel. Its like I need to let her know everyday that it hurts or she might forget. Truth is, she lives with it everyday too.

Hang on - the good times get more frequent and last longer.


Me - BS - 46
Her - WW - 38 (2 ONS)
Five kids:
DD20, DD18, DD17, DS16, DS16
D Day - Dec 24, 2012 -
R - 20 months and going extremely well.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Montana
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were having a beautiful day, we got into the truck to go somewhere, and I had a memory of getting into the truck a few times and wondering why my seat was further back and a little reclined. I never said anything to him about it at the time... and so I'm sitting there thinking, 'Am I going to wreck this beautiful day by pointing out this stomach-hurling thing I remembered, for no good reason at all but to remind him what he did?' Part of me just wants to draw his attention to these things, even though I know it isn't helpful to either of us at this point. But then I think, 'why should he be allowed to be happy, when my brain is so f**ked 24/7.

I'm glad to hear it gets better.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
lostworld
♀ Member
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, all normal. It really will get better with time.


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
R'd
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 817 | Registered: Apr 2008
AgainandAgain
♀ Member
Member # 34835
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm almost 2 years out and I'm still waiting for the ball to drop. Can't be 100% happy at all. I have days that I deal better than others.

My heart drops too if he says I need to talk to you. I feel like I'm about to cry and can't stop it.

I guess it comes with time and it's part of the after effects.

I hate that you and others feel this way but it brings me a tiny bit of comfort that I'm not the only one.


Posts: 232 | Registered: Feb 2012
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 2:41 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Normal. If you follow the path that a lot of us have followed here you are probably in for a BIG surge of anger sometime soon. It generally seems that anger hits somewhere around the 6 month mark. For me it started early and I am STILL pretty angry - it peaked at around 9 months out. So my advice would be to enjoy the happy days when they come.. trust me, he will not be "forgetting" anytime soon, you will TOTALLY be reminding him on the bad days


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1022 | Registered: Oct 2012
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally normal. Even at 21 months, if we have to many good days in a row, something inside me needs to remind her that I still hurt. Something inside me believes that her motivation to heal comes from my hurt.

I need to remind myself that her motivation to heal truly comes for her own hurt not mine. The A had nothing to do with me and neither does her healing process.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2635 | Registered: Aug 2012
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for that encouragement, and for the heads up about the anger. It's the one emotion I've never been comfortable expressing. I'll try not to implode.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
HurtButHoping12
♀ Member
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 2 years out, and yep, I can't allow myself to be happy. I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I used to be the eternal optimist about everything... post A's, I can see the dark side of a bright, sparkly, rainbow-farting unicorn galloping straight at me . I have a hard time allowing myself to live "in the moment" and usually spend far too much time obsessing about the "what-if".

Totally normal and SUPER annoying!


BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do


Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 11

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