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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I think he lost his job
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am stuck. I typed the title and then sat here with my thoughts spinning.

The voices in my head give such good advice and counter everything I want to whine and complain about. It's not fair!!

So if I muzzle my common sense and just type it all out really fast?

I think Stretch lost his job. CS payments are garnished and were for a few months falling within a predictable schedule. Late, but regular schedule. Then a few erratic payments and now nothing for six weeks.

Financially this is a minor bump. I had to figure it out without CS and not having it is not putting me in a bad place. A tight budget, but a liveable budget.

But the job itself is one of the things that I use to reassure myself that he is "being managed." That the crazy might not come out to play. As often. See, I JUST assured the kids' therapist that despite all the danger indicators "right now" things were "ok" because ..... EVEN though he and OW broke up, they still rented a place together. He just moved out of the camper into a house, with rent, and bills, and a yard. (The voice in my head is saying of course these could have triggered his instability. He can't meet responsibility...)

And I believe that the job (structure) and the OW (expectations) manage him. The pillars of his stability are so important to me because I don't have to be so hyper vigilant when I expect he has even superficial boundaries in place.

Damn it.

When he and OW moved back to my home state I went through this because now he was "here" and I had to be aware and he could suddenly be in my driveway, or stalk me again. I adjusted. Did some things (like move) that gave a small measure of distance and peace.

I feel like I have my own threat level system and I hate having to raise it.

I will take hugs.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5776 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((cg))) any possibility he got another job but didn't set up/notify anyone about the CS garnishment?


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12144 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UGH! (((HUGS)))

We should raise our glasses & toast our respective threat levels.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9538 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((caregiver)))

Posts: 11605 | Registered: Mar 2008
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{hugs}}}

Can you call the support office and ask why the non payments? Even though you think you know, you can find out through them without having to interact with him?

{{{hugs}}}


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5429 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((caregiver))))


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17341 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((CG)))


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8439 | Registered: Apr 2008
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((cg))) any possibility he got another job but didn't set up/notify anyone about the CS garnishment?

My first response was

He would have to be motivated to get another job. I don't think he is late enough with CSE to warrant anything more than a warning yet. The arrears from 2 + years was rolled into the order so he is not as far behind legally as he could be. It is also possible that the lack of consequences before has him lulled into some belief that nothing will happen. And that saying he lost his job will get him a "pass."

I will call. I am sure he forgot to tell them his new address too... Unfortunately, my anxiety is not about the money as much as it is the indication that he is coming apart. More pressure from CSE could make it worse unless it inspired him to work. Of course being told what to do is more likely to inspire him to blame me, and plot ways to get even.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5776 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first response was

okay, so I didn't really think it was a possibility. But I wanted to think positively, for you. At least I made you laugh.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12144 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((caregiver))))

All their secrets and manipulations to keep us from knowing about their life is crazy making. They do not realize or do not care that their stupid ass shit actually does affect us and our kids. And WE have to deal with the fallout with the kids and finances.

You cannot control if he comes apart, but you can try to shield the kids (fuck, why is that OUR job??!!) I cannot recall how old your kiddos are, but if they are old enough then they can see the crazy too. And so you can teach them ways to shield themselves.

I hope this post is coherent (I wonder whenever I cuss too much, but damn that asshole pisses me off!)

Be strong


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17606 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamboat,

It made perfect sense to me, but I am not sure that guarantees it is coherent.

I am comforted by the show of support. And the cussing is strangely reassuring too! Boy, my life has changed.

I will take the laughs ladies. Wherever I can get them. I have sent an email to the kids' therapist. We'll all be prepared. As best we can. And yes, WHY is that my job? Because I was stupid enough to partner up with crazy. Dammit.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5776 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:58 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((((CG))))))))))


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5017 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had the ultimate words of support or helpful information for you, but just know someone else cares!
It is so not fair.
What the other poster said, call up where CS is garnished and ask. Is it possible his hours were short, or, that there is an error in their system somewhere? It might set your mind at ease a little, plus you have a right to know.
((CG))) if I ever get a break from school or finish school in this lifetime, a trip to Cgville2009 is on the agenda.
You've been a huge source of support and strength on this forum.

[This message edited by will get by at 8:36 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 4693 | Registered: Dec 2009
Mommato4
♀ Member
Member # 15906
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry.

I really have no words of wisdom as I'm going through this too. Mine gave me a heads up though but it's all because I didn't when he was served with CS modification papers the week before.

It's maddening.


Updated 2014:
BS-me 41
XH-doesn't matter
4 kids
Divorced-7/25/08

SO-5 years together-he decided to end it by cheating too


Posts: 1377 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: PNW country
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am praying that OW is good at managing him.

You do realize this worrywart will be looking for your daily posts.

Sending light, love and hugs

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5017 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today I am tired. Just tired. I can't imagine a return to adrenaline filled short sleep wake up startled, my skin hurts and my hair vibrates and a lifetime of worry exists between the ticks of the clock.

Then I feel guilty because I just don't want to care that much, but other people are worrying for me. I am grateful that I am worth the worry! But I can't muster the level of attention. I just want to go back to bed.

Somewhere inside I am angry that he still gets to yank my chain. And the refusal to be completely yanked is careless. I get that.

Somewhere inside me I am dismayed that THIS ... this mess... is my life.

But mostly I am tired. Weary. With a touch of insomnia.

I did call CSE. It "looks like" he's not working. I was "helpful" and gave them his new address. After I called I had a major panic attack.

Thank you for all the hugs. All the support. I appreciate it, and lean heavily at times.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5776 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he lost his job and he gets unemployment I believe they can garnish that.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4753 | Registered: Feb 2008
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:52 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Somewhere inside me I am dismayed that THIS ... this mess... is my life.

Oh Honey. ((((HUGS))))


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9538 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
rainagain
♀ Member
Member # 14917
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Caregiver))))))

You are stronger than you think. Just the fact that you get up and go on when this weariness and mess hits is proof of that.

You don't need him so he does not matter. You matter to you and you matter to your boys.


Now, faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. Heb 11:1
I done been through the pain and the sorrow the struggle is nothing but love. Maino
Me: Divorced BS 49
DS22, DD19, DS17

Posts: 1293 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 19

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