Heard a commentary on this today. We are all made differently for a reason.
I post this here....in the R forum for this reason.
Speaking as a BS it was natural, but not healthy, to compare myself to my wifes AP. In doing so I naturally wondered what attracted my wife to him...what he had that I didn't. I see that as foolish now...wisdom has revealed what is mentioned time and time again that my wifes A was not about me, was not a result of me or my actions...but that is what I did then.
The danger in doing this is that you might be tempted to imitate your spouses AP in some fashion. I know we all have heard stay true to yourself...but the first few months after DD my world was CRAZY! I felt like you feel when you pull up to a stop light and the car next to you rolls back slowly, but you don't know for sure if he is rolling back or you are rolling forward....you push on the brakes thinking you are moving....then you look at the building next to you and realize YOU are not moving...and peace returns to you. BUT, after DD that building is also moving....it is very disorienting...peace is illusive. Hard to recognize yourself and your own originality...was for me anyway.
The point of this post is to try and capture what this 30 minute commentary said....
Do not minimize your originality. Don't imitate others. We are unique for a reason. We have all the abilities we need to get through any crisis...if we DONT abandon our uniqueness.
My wife has spent some time on researching and reading about being authentic. She has shared a bit with me on this and think she is kind of seeing the truth behind this line of thinking.
I still think about when I met my wifes APs wife...she had a laundry list of things she did that made her husband seek an A with my wife. She had disowned her originality and was struggling much harder then she needed too. She could not recognize all of her many strengths...she just expanded on what she felt she lacked (and fell right in line with how her husband justified his actions).
Hopefully this nudges newbies a bit to stay above the mess that is their spouses A. IF you can remain true to yourself your world will be a better place. Celebrate your originality...recognize it...modify it when you feel it needs to...don't destroy it. There are plenty of people in this world that will destroy it for you IF you let them.
God be with us all.