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User Topic: I started again
bob1965
♂ Member
Member # 33296
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saturday, after leaving our son's birthday party, I told her I needed to ask questions. I hated doing this on his birthday, but finding the best time is impossible.

I also told her I was not taking a break like last time. If she really loves me she'll answer my questions whenever I ask.

I gave her my Kindle copy of "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair". I hope she reads this. I also told her to come to SI. If she can not understand why I need to know the good people at SI will tell her.

"How can this help" was her response. At first she wasn't happy and resisted a bit. She did answer my questions for the 1.25 hour drive home.

Right before getting home she said she felt a little better.

I got names, I did not ask last time. Last time I did not ask for details because I did not want to upset her. Not this time. I got whys. I still need hows.

Last time she blamed alcohol. This time she told me the OM men made her feel good. They where younger then her. They boosted her ego. She had power over younger men. I like this answer better than blaming alcohol.

She admits she and OM2 played me for a fool. Which she did, I was in denial, I knew the truth but ignored it.

She told me some harsh things back then. During the car ride she told me she was trying to hurt me. She said she was saying and doing things to make me leave.

There is more but will cut this short. Over all Saturday evening was a very good start.

Then the next day I asked another question. It was like starting all over. I asked what was wrong. "How long is this going to last?", "You are never going to be happy.", "This is out of the blue." That last one really pissed me off. I didn't react to it. My thoughts were finding out about your A on Easter was out of the blue. My the son of my boss coming into my office, shutting the door and telling me that you are having an A was out of the blue.

She answered my question. Reluctantly. I don't think she was completely truthful.

I promises her I would stay out of the Wayward area. So far she hasn't posted anything. "Too busy". You aren't to busy for the other forums.

I don't think she has started the book.

We'll see what happens.


Me: BH (47)
Her: fWWx2 (possible ONSs while drunk), lied about job, worked as a stripper (39)
Married: 14
Together: 19
Children: s 13, d 4, s 3


Who dares, wins


Posts: 143 | Registered: Sep 2011
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"How long is this going to last?", "You are never going to be happy.", "This is out of the blue."

I think what she's failing to understand is that until you have the answers that will help bring you some sort of closure, it won't end. But she's the one that's keeping it going by not being forthcoming.

She's impatient because she knows she's still not being completely honest..imho.

I'm sorry she's dragging this out...she has all the power in the world to help you heal, I hope she starts to use it for good.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197383 | Registered: May 2002
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry this is happening to you. It doesn't sound like your WW is very into helping you heal. Even the fact that she admitted to trying to hurt you on purpose is troubling. Trying to make her remorseful is like trying to make an alcoholic quit drinking. It will not work unless she is willing to stop on her own and face her demons herself.
There is nothing wrong with giving her the tools, but as you see she is not willing to use them. You need to read up on the 180 and start implementing it for yourself. You cannot begin to R until she is willing to do the work herself. You cannot make a marriage work after an A unless both spouses are willing to do the hard work that is necessary. It doesn't sound like she is too interested in your healing and fixing the marriage. I know I also live with an unremorseful WH. He is regretful, but not remorseful for his A. He rugsweeps and refuses IC and wants to pretend everything is OK again after his 3yr LTA. I know I am just waiting for another DDay at this point and have started to detach from him. I am not very good at the 180 myself, but I keep trying to implement it. It is getting old and I am tired of trying to make a marriage work on my own. It is an impossible task.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
bob1965
♂ Member
Member # 33296
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the replies.

I need to do some thinking.


Me: BH (47)
Her: fWWx2 (possible ONSs while drunk), lied about job, worked as a stripper (39)
Married: 14
Together: 19
Children: s 13, d 4, s 3


Who dares, wins


Posts: 143 | Registered: Sep 2011
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, August 7th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't Trickle Truth hard? I hope she will be like my husband and eventually give up trying to hide the truth that you know already (things you suspect but she may still be denying).

From what I have read about Sex and Love Addiction, many people who work in the "sex industry" (i.e. strippers, massage parlors, prostitutes) have a sex and love addiction. Have you considered this as a possibility? Even if she won't go to SA (sexaholics anonymous), you might find S Anon meetings helpful to you.

Even my SAWH read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair when I gave it to him. It got him to understand why it was important for him to STOP seeing his AP. Prior to reading that, he was going to continue seeing her for "business reasons." Then he figured out it was important to cut off all contact if he was going to really end the A.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 5

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