It just won't. I can't stop the waves of pain. I've done focus exercises, calming, and a couple of others. I've held off on taking the percocets I have since the first couple because I don't want to become dependent, but at this rate I might have to succumb and take one. My alternative is to hide under my desk at work in a fetal position and sob my heart out. I'm just about 5 weeks out from DDay. And I feel like I'm dying. I just wish the darkness would come and then I could have peace.
I am so sorry for the pain you are in. I have been there too. I spent months in a drunken state to numb my pain. I didn't want to live at times. There were days I did lay in the fetal position and cry.
Take it a day at a time and just breathe. I have no real great advice for you except that it will get better and the pain does start to go away.I am about 2+ years out and I do laugh and smile again.Post as often as you need to. We are here for you.xoxo
The pain DOES stop eventually....well, I should say that it becomes less acute and excrutiating.
What about some type of physical release for when it's really bad.....a punching bag to pound on. Or go to the dollar store or a thrift shop and buy a bunch of glassware that you can throw as hard as you can so that it shatters.
Just hang in there......
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
This Saturday marks my 3 year antiversary. I've only cried twice in the last week..progress! Most days..Im happy...yes..happy. I have learned to find enjoyment in things other than my husband..who continues to love me and "try."
You WILL be ok. You really will. I know that doesn't help you. I know. But keep your chin up. It does get better.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I think if you try and let go of the outcome it might also be helpful. There are just some things you cannot control.
It would be so easy to take the rest. But I CAN NOT, WILL NOT, do that to my kids. The last thing my son said to me this morning was "Dad I love you more than anything."
I cried all the way to work.
You can't control whether your spouse changes, feels remorse, stays in your M, never cheats again. None of that. It's a very helpless, horrible feeling--especially at first.
Later, though, it's actually empowering. Six months after D-day, I just found out that my WH will be going on a business trip that will include the OW. There's a sharp stab of pain, but I can breathe. I'm amazed at my growth, but I realize that if he's going to fall again, it might as well be now. If he can't stand up to the temptation now, he will never be able to. I will then have a clear answer of whether we'll R or D. And, despite the niggling doubts (I'm stronger--not immune), I'm actually OK.
That may not stop your pain today (coming from someone who named herself because the A ripped. Out. My. Soul.), but it might give you some hope?
Also, for good or ill, I had to swallow a lot of that pain. In the midst of defrosting the garage freezer with one of my children, I found out my WH had been w/a prostitute the day before. I threw up, washed my mouth out, took a deep breath, and finished the job with my child none the wiser. Later that day, when my WH asked me what was wrong, I blamed my shaking hands (big time) on the fumes from the oven cleaner I was using.
After keeping the secret for about a month, I finally spilled to my IC and my BFF. For reasons related to my WH's work, I didn't feel I could tell anyone, but I got to the point where his security clearance didn't matter anymore. He made the decisions that jeopardized his job, not me. I shouldn't be the one hiding the secret. And it DID help. I hated burdening my friend, but . . . It was the best thing I ever did.
PLEASE do something for yourself. YOU matter right now (and always). YOU come first.
I'm in IC already, came back from my second visit yesterday. She's really good -- clicked with me right away and spoke my language. She's helping me with my pain and fear and also helping fix my control issues, which are what created the conditions that helped land my marriage in this mess.
(No, I don't at all take any responsibility for the cheating -- my wife has not budged from accepting the blame 100%. But I also have to acknowledge my part in hurting our marriage for the past 4 years.)
Good that you're in IC. That has helped me tremendously. I also take some medication which has helped with my anxiety and depression.
I have credited my son for keeping me alive some days. I never want him to grow up thinking his mom didn't love him enough to stick around. It sounds like you feel the same about your kids.
You will make it through this. As others have said, take it one day at a time.
What helped me was going for a run. That seemed to clear things up. Not sure what shape you are in but it's worth a try.
This will pass. You will be better for it. I would never want to go back to who I was. I had that I had to go through what I did to get there but I am glad of what I am today.
It'll get better. Keep focusing on you.
We all need help navigating throught this infidelity storm. Stick with IC, it will be a lifeline.
I tried so long to do it alone and on my own. I was bound and determined to be stronger than "this" - well "this" kicked my ass and then some.
Yes, it is normal for you just want the pain to stop. We all wished we had a magic wand or pill to give you to help you speed this up.
I would spend all night awake and crying and then could not function at work. This lasted from time to time for about a year.
Talk to your doctor about antidepressants. Whatever you need to get through.
Did you check out the timeline for healing? It is a long sucky process but it will get better.
Just don't beat yourself up when you have a slip up. They happen.
Your body is in shock. Look up post tramatic stress syndrome. It applies. Your mind and heart can only process so much before it shuts down or reacts in other ways. It is a medical and chemical response to the blow your pysche has taken. It is real.
Has your wife shown remorse over the A, the marriage possibly ending, the kids?
Right now, not having any geniune good moments is very normal. It is hard to pull happiness out of the pit of despair.
But do one thing for yourself. Start each morning listing 5 things you are grateful for.
As simple as
1. Your children (blessings)
2. Your job
3. Your home
4. Your family
5. The sunshine
6. Your friends
7. God and his love
8. Your SI community
This stinks and it knocks the wind out of your sails. But I promise you that it does get better.
You deserve better.
There is no playbook on how best to handle an affair.
Lots of information but only YOU can determine YOUR path.
You are not alone. Hang in there and write often.
The advice didn't work for me either and the platitudes got to feeling insulting.
A couple things finally started working, though the grief still sneaks up and grabs me. I hope they might help you.
There's a post or two that replied on your thread that said to remind yourself of the good things you have left and that's part of what I had to say.
I went to a far more basic place than that, a more basic level of living and it's gradually pulling me up by my boot straps again. Because, you see, the days...well, the days of our lives will continue to come. The sun will poke in the window in the morning whether we want to face it or not. Deadlines and family still need us and want us around...life continues.
The first thing I did was to make lists, because the pain and shock brought me to where I didn't know the date or time, for a long while. So I just made lists of anything that needed me.
Then, I started with one thing a day I vowed to accomplish and I made a list of that, too. At night when I went to bed all alone for the first time in 20 years, I read those lists. Mostly the one with an accomplishment.
I told myself things, too. The most important is that I did it all myself, even if it sounds juvenile, that's the basic part. No one helped me...I'm still going. I got something done today.
Tomorrow I will do two things.
Then I will rest. I will let the grief come.
I will admit that life is changing.
There is a lot more I had to do, but eventually felt a propeller getting me up every day, or forces outside of myself, telling me that life and my child needed me. And otherwise, he would win.
The other thing I will close with, that I still do, is to try to think through the curtain of grief and think of something -anything-that was part of your life before knowing your spouse. Old friends, places you went, connect with family. Going back to my roots has helped intensely and I've remade some wonderful, strong connections.
Some people even said that they stepped far aside when I got married, because Nearly Exh was such a strong personality.
I tried the meds and can't handle the side affects and am a a single parent, so have been going through this without them. For me, at least, the constant grief and crying has abated to cloud bursts that are shorter and shorter. I'm about six months out from "the whole truth and nothing but the truth"...and still not knowing all of it.
The times, they are'a changin'! -Bob Dylan
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
I understand it's what you have available,but it doesn't take many times of use before your mind and body reach out for continuing this type of med. Then boom, you're in for the long haul. It can make you feel worse eventually. Getting off it can be worse also. Yes, the anxiety meds. can cause dependency, but when taken correctly they focus on calming when needed and antidepressants may be best anyway as many also help anxiety type pain.
I am so sorry for all you're going thru. I felt such "pain" too and thank God I'm beyond it now with triggers mostly gone, memories not so intrusive.
I had to depend on talking to my sister everyday long distance for many months, IC. I could not stop talking. I told IC it was crazymaking, then a year later my mother passed and 3 months later my father passed all for which I had to drive by myself 3000 miles each (6000 miles in 3 months) home, with my 18 year old deaf, blind dog that needed constant help.
There was more, but won't go into it. This is about you here.
All my best Arable. I'm thinking of you. When you come out of this tunnel you'll shine once again.
It's true that time heals. Sucks that it sometimes takes a LOT of time.