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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I know the AP
ArableSands
♂ Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(I hate "Affair Partner" -- too damned romantic sounding. Maybe "Colluding Asshole. Yeah. I'll go with CA instead of AP.)

I know the CA. The CA befriended me. Drank my beer. Sat in my house. Watched TV with my wife and I. Hung around my kids.

I know where he works and roughly where he lives. I can find him at his workplace very easily. He teaches at a post-secondary institution. I could call his faculty Dean and tell him that one of his lecturers nearly destroyed a marriage with two little kids because he couldn't keep his hands off a married woman. Alternatively, I could just wait until one of his classes empties out and walk in and take care of business. There is a part of me that would happily do jail time for a chance to give him a reason to get dental surgery done and also enjoy the feeling of having multiple casts applied. I've been in fights before and still remember how to win, and add to that the fact that I'm bigger, stronger, younger and much, much angrier I don't doubt I would wipe the floor with his face.

It's probably a good thing that I'm suppressing so much anger right now. Neither my wife nor I are ready to cope with it, and it wouldn't be productive.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know AP also, but I prefer to call her "The Troll." She also has been to my home on a few occasions, knows my children, babysat them . I went to her wedding, bought shower and baby gifts for her, sent her recipes she asked for after smelling WH's leftovers at work. We've exchanged FB PMs in the past. It makes me sick to my stomach, and because I knew her I want an apology. I'm not a no-name nobody to her, I've known her for 4 years, I deserve an apology.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
ArableSands
♂ Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OC, you deserve an apology. A long, intricate, heartfelt one with lots of sobbing and grovelling.

I don't want apology from the CA. Just a whole lot of his blood on a cement floor.

But that's just my angry talking.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
LadyQ
♀ Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear ya, Arable! I found proof of 4, and I knew 3 of them. Yeah, all three of those spent time in my home or in my presence. Just shows how sick those people really are.


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Wink  Posted: 5:15 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The AP's are just as big liars and cheats as the WS.

It is easier to hate them because we have so much more vested in our WS. They weren't ever supposed to lie to us or hurt us, right?

I am all for contacting the AP/CA if you need to do so for your peace of mind.

But I wouldn't expect a sincere apology and even if you did get one would it mean anything?

They knowingly went into a relationship head on with your spouse. They are only sorry their fantasy bubble was popped. Their apology is meaningless. It's not like they accidentally stepped on your toe. They messed around knowingly with your spouse.

And Arable...I think we all have fantasies about the best revenge possible...
But they aren't worth jail time. They've taken enough from you. Don't give them the satisfaction of a restraining order.

If they are married, best to tell their spouse.

Either way, karma is a bitch. They'll get theirs in due time. That I have no doubt.

Good luck and focus on you, you are so much better.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 5:16 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1149 | Registered: Apr 2013
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew two of my H's 5 OW. I knew them well (both for 20 years). I'm a teacher, so we talked about their kids' struggles in school. One of them dated my ex husband (while she was sleeping with my current). One of them moved back home partly because we talked her into it. We took her out with us, introduced her to our friends, met for lunch, took day trips to a neighboring city together, she babysat my baby before he was even 6 months old (and also, while she was sleeping with my H). It's maddening. It's sickening. I used to dream of revenge in vivid colors often, now, not so much. I used to want an apology, but now I don't. I know enough about them both to know it would be phony and intended only to relieve their own guilt. I don't want to give them that satisfaction. Almost a year in. The anger still comes and goes, but it isn't as drastic or often. As for actually hurting them, it's not just jail time, but involving the legal system would tie me to them for years in ways that I don't have to be now. I certainly don't want to have to answer questions to a potential employer in years about why I have a criminal record. By then, they will be distant memories that I will never have to drudge up if I don't want to.

Posts: 1078 | Registered: Jan 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know who the AP is and would LOVE to let her know what a c*ntbag I think she is, how her actions and selfishness have contributed to instability in my family, and a host of other stuff I'd love to express. But I don't want her for a second to think she has any power over me or this situation. I'm the one with the power now - the power to walk away from this when I want.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 895 | Registered: Jun 2013
EasyDoesIt
♀ Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really like "Colluding Asshole." Just sayin


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3692 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember feeling blood-on-cement angry for along time.

What kept me sane was looking at sweet DD's face and committing to bring good energy to her life to combat all the crap.

Hugs to all. Keep it in the fantasy realm - they are not worth your time or energy.

(((Us)))


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17360 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
ArableSands
♂ Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Given the CA is in a teaching position at a post-secondary institution, do any of you think it's appropriate that I notify his employer?

Because seeing his old treacherous ass fired at the age of 61 would crack me the hell up. No one would hire him at that age.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(I hate "Affair Partner" -- too damned romantic sounding. Maybe "Colluding Asshole. Yeah. I'll go with CA instead of AP.)

Works for me. Accurately describes the piece of human debris who dedicated almost a month of his life into sweet-talking my wife into an affair that almost destroyed her marriage and our intact family. I guess the opportunity for responsibility-free sex with a woman that some other guy has to support was just too good to pass up.

Given the CA is in a teaching position at a post-secondary institution, do any of you think it's appropriate that I notify his employer?

I seriously doubt that he would get fired over this. My experience is that no one really cares that much what someone does in their personal life, as long as it doesn't affect them directly. However, if your goal is to embarrass this guy a little by making him have to address this issue with his superior, why not. But I wouldn't get my hopes up about a firing, unless the affair violated some school policy. If it did, hell yes go for it.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1388 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Arable....

Stop and first ask yourself these two questions

1) Am I feeling this way only to get revenge or do I think it will really make a difference in my journey.

2) Will calling the employer and exposing the A really help you on your journey? I know getting even will feel good, but is this who you really are? I believe you will feel good for about 15 minutes and then feel like a complete shit.

I too have been where you are today. I even took a plane to a different country, hired a car and almost walked into the OW office to have it out with her. I had to turn around about 4 blocks from my destination because I had a panic attack and threw up. I couldn't stop shaking I was angry and I knew there was NO WAY IN HELL I was going to let her see what she had done and gloat or revel in it. I went to lunch with an old friend instead who knew what my plan had been and tried to stop me. She was relieved that I changed my mind.

I do hold the trump card of calling my husbands old employer and divulging the A. The OW would loose her job immediately because I have proof she used her traveling and expense account inappropriately to continue the A. I have not yet pulled that plug. I have however told my husband that if at any time we stop moving forward I will follow through with this. For now though I use the trump card to give me power to work hard at my R.

Please just think about what it is you want to accomplish here.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh and I call my the narcassistic, delusional bitch :o)


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feel the rage. Really. Feel it all the way. Don't suppress it. Don't ACT on it. Like, duh, right?

While I am big proponent of exposing, I don't know that exposing to the CA employer would be relevant to them. Unless your wife is a student or a coworker of his? Otherwise, I don't think it will have the impact you are looking for.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6449 | Registered: Jan 2011
LadyQ
♀ Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whether CA gets fired or not largely depends on if he broke any sort of contract he has. Most times, unless he works for a religious entity and there is a morality clause or it's a case of fraternization (she's also an employee) there isn't any reason for them to fire him. Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear.


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Out him to his employer. WHy not?

If I had found out any of my employees were dishonest enough to have an affair, I would have looked for the first opportunity to replace them. If they can be dishonest on that level, they are definitely dishonest enough to steal postage, office supplies, forge time cards, cheat on travel expenses, etc.

If they can't show respect or loyalty to the institution of marriage, they certainly aren't going to be capable of loyalty to an employer.

You may not get immediate gratification ArableSands, but his employer and coworkers will definitely see him in a different light. They won't trust him, rightfully so, and will be in a better position to protect themselves from any more of his deceitful ways.

I do believe in shaming the unremorseful waywards in to behaving.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 852 | Registered: Jun 2012
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Given the CA is in a teaching position at a post-secondary institution, do any of you think it's appropriate that I notify his employer?

There was a day when a university or college cared about such things. Now, they don't care. CA has probably done it many times, and so have many of them. Morality isn't something that is relevant in institutions of higher education, it is actually frowned upon as "antiquated."

Please don't do anything that would put yourself in jeopardy. Do you have a punching bag you could work some of that anger on? Imagine you are catching him in a dark alley alone, then take it out on the punching bag.

eta: If CA is tenured, the dean will most certainly look the other way. He may be making a lot of money for the university, in which case, he is looked at like a god. Plus, they are all adults. It is not like your WW was a teenager, and he was her high school teacher.

Sorry your WW cheated, and sorry there was a schmuck around to help her out.

[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 6:39 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Whatdoido333
♀ Member
Member # 36597
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know the AP too. She's been to my house, babysat or my daughter, we've been out to dinner together and she still calls, texts and accepts calls from my WH. She told me he wanted to be more than a friend to her. Apparently he keeps or kept asking if they could have a relationship. She kept saying you are married. Yet, that didn't stop her from calling texting and accepting his calls. I just don't get it....I give up

Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2012
Snowy
♂ Member
Member # 14028
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want apology from the CA. Just a whole lot of his blood on a cement floor.

I can understand this, but if you do this you will just make a bad situation worst. Can I suggest you go to the gym and belt the crap out of a punching bag.

Given the CA is in a teaching position at a post-secondary institution, do any of you think it's appropriate that I notify his employer?

I seen comments of this type plenty of times on this forum. In my opinion, this is a total waste of time and doesn't achieve anything.

As a BS, we are looking at seeking some sort of revenge on the AP. This is a normal response.

I believe the reality is, unless some one is doing something illegal or it is affecting their work performance, employers will not get involved in an employees private life.

Marriages are entered into voluntarily. One person doesn't own the other person. Unfortunately marriages do fold. It is a part of life. No one can not make someone stay married to some one. Is this also what you trying to do by telling the employer?


Posts: 157 | Registered: Mar 2007
Snowy
♂ Member
Member # 14028
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want apology from the CA. Just a whole lot of his blood on a cement floor.

I can understand this, but if you do this you will just make a bad situation worst. Can I suggest you go to the gym and belt the crap out of a punching bag.

Given the CA is in a teaching position at a post-secondary institution, do any of you think it's appropriate that I notify his employer?

I seen comments of this type plenty of times on this forum. In my opinion, this is a total waste of time and doesn't achieve anything.

As a BS, we are looking at seeking some sort of revenge on the AP. This is a normal response.

I believe the reality is, unless some one is doing something illegal or it is affecting their work performance, employers will not get involved in an employees private life.

Marriages are entered into voluntarily. One person doesn't own the other person. Unfortunately marriages do fold. It is a part of life. No one can not make someone stay married to some one. Is this also what you trying to do by telling the employer?


Posts: 157 | Registered: Mar 2007
Topic Posts: 34
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