I am dying here. I am shattered. AND I am the ONLY ONE FIGHTING for us. I have to get the details like picking hairs...he has never confessed a thing,
I cant stand it. I Feel like the writing is on the wall... this man is not "in" it at all. He's in freaking limbo world.
I have been SO good and followed the rules...but I cannot GET him to move toward me... not an inch. Only, he says, lets move on...lets repair us.
And lets not forget the blame... I drove him to it... He was so lost and I was not "supportive" of him. Again, WTF?!?! Grow a set bc I am busy raising your kids, AH!!!
This is the most anger I have expressed... I have been so diplomatic with him. THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE AND LETTING ME SLAM ALL THIS INTO THE KEYBOARD I just want to SMASH something.
Is is normal for the BS to do all the initial work? IS thisi FOG or is he just an A$$? Is the affair still on?
HE said yes to MC, and then said if SHE says send a letter..he will.,. but no way he is going to let ME mandate to him. AGAIN WTF?!?!?! That seems unremorseful! That seems a red flag. Shouldnt I be able to call the shots?
MC appt is tomorrow AM. I already told her the letter is the issue of the day, she said " of course he has to send it, he cant have one foot in the marriage and one foot out the door" <--- my thoughts exactly. Dont want to go through the pain and work of R if it will all be for nothing. FEEL like I should just let him go.
He says things like his life willnever be the same, Ill always be checking up on him, not letting him go out, etc. WELL, too bad, my friend. You want those things now after you blew it? Its those things or me and the kids. NOW PICK!!!
QUESTION: worth fighting for? Hw long to let him be foggy if thats what this is? ANY HOPE FOR UNREMORSEFUL SPOUSE?
SORRY for typos, runons and anger. I have a degree in English for God's sakeand I am not going to edit a thing. I just needed to type and type and type.
Please help. Not telling family until this plays out.
I think he needs to be taking the initiative to begin healing in your marriage. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to Google "healing from an affair" or "reconcile after infidelity" or any other kind of search term. You found us here. Is there something that prevents your WS from lifting a finger and making an effort to fix what he screwed up?
In the upper left corner is the healing library, there is a lot of good information in the library also.
In regards to your H, he is obviously not trying and regretful he got caught. He is not willing to send the letter as he is not sure he really is through. If you call it quits, in his mind he didn't do it. My H was a cakeeater too. It wasn't until I drew the line in the sand that I got his attention. However, I had to be ready to do that. You must be to.
In other words, are you ready to say if you don't do XXXX we are finished and you are to be out of the house by xx? If you are not ready to maintain the boundary, do not make it. I was not ready to give my H his ultimatum for a while. Once I was ready to live through it, then I could lay it on the line. If you back off on the consequence you will not make any headway.
In the meantime, read on the 180. That will get his attention and help you to heal at the same time.
Your post made me so angry on your behalf. He doesn't want to hurt her feelings?? Didn't think too much about your feelings when he was hooking up with the OW.
I see that you have asked for three very doable things. And he hasn't complied.
Time to 180. Read up on the 180 in the Healing Library.
You can't nice him back into the marriage or beg him back. Time for the cold hard truth of consequences.
I am sorry you had to find us. But welcome all the same.
Sorry you are here.
Let me offer a few comments
Here is what I don't understand. 15 days from D-day today
Hate to tell you, but 15 days is very early in the process. It took me years to over come what happened.
It will take time for you to process what has happen and it will take time for your WS to realise what has happen.
Like you, I expected a lot from my WS in those early days. It sometimes takes time.
he cant have one foot in the marriage and one foot out the door
Totally agree. You need to be totally in a marriage. If part of you is out, then you are not in the marriage.
I am the ONLY ONE FIGHTING for us
Beware of falling into the trap of being codependent. Read about codependence. It was a mistake I feel into.
I just want to SMASH something
I went to a gym and punched the crap out of a punching bag. Went somewhere else screamed. Went for long walks.
I found doing things like this helped me handled my emotions.
I'm going to bump a post that will help with a lot of your questions, it's worth gold.
Look for poster Katherine41, and her post "20/20 Hindsight, what I Should Have Done When I JFO".
[This message edited by hard_yards at 10:31 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]