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User Topic: Asking questions leads to divorce?
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Find another therapist!!!!!!!!!!!

And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1366 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Find another therapist!!!!!!!!!!!

And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1366 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
♀ New Member
Member # 38786
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you like the therapist and don't want to find another one, I suggest bringing your concerns to her in your next session. You can tell her that it sounded like she was discouraging you from asking questions, even though you know that asking questions will help you. Tell her your issues with your advice and that you didn't like what she said. Therapists aren't perfect and a good one will welcome feedback and listen to what you have to say. She may realize that what she said sounded vaguely threatening and clarify. It's worth a shot, at least IMO.

Me: BW (33)
Him: STBXH (37)
DD: 9 mo
He walked away from his wife and infant to live a fantasy life...

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ Member
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Faith - our MC/IC is a woman. She has been married 2 other times to men who cheated. She seems very happy with hubby #3

Doesn't that kind of say everything you need to know right there. Maybe if she kept asking questions and not been beaten into submission with threats that "if you ask to many questions I'll divorce you", she wouldn't be on her 3rd marriage...Something to think about when you're taking advice from her.

BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 883 | Registered: May 2011
♀ Member
Member # 40347
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love what blindside03 wrote. It is very spot on to me. We all need different things to heal, and I would think a professional would know that. I am still in the discovery phase of what my WH did, and he wants me to rugsweep so we can move forward. I want to know though, so I can try and understand why this happened, what was the underlying problem, what was the draw of the OW. I tell my WH this, and that the reason I ask questions is to try and wrap my head around what happened. I may not fully understand it ever, but I don't like the idea of someone stifling my need to know answers. I don't want a repeat, so I look at my fact finding a way to try and prevent it from happening again. My advice, do what you need to help yourself heal. Its ok to be selfish on this matter, it was their selfishness that got you here in the first place. Hugs to you.

The grass isn't greener on the other side, it is greener where you water it.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And how do you know these details about your counselor's life? I know very little about mine. This seems very unprofessional to me, and almost as though she's rationalizing her own choices.

BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
♀ Member
Member # 39987
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, September 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted the original topic a month ago and once it fell off the first couple of pages I hadn't thought about it any more so I was surprised to see it resurface yesterday and feel like I need to give an update on things.

I am still seeing the same IC and I really do like her. Her approach my be a little different but she has gotten me to several aha moments.
Her comment to me about asking questions I believe was to let me know that the more I pursued asking questions to a WH who did not want to be transparent the closer I would come to wanting out. I think she was trying to gauge my level of denial about it all.
The comment she made to WH about me "sh*tting or getting off the pot" was taken out of context by WH. She was trying to tell him that I was close to a decision about our marriage and that he need to get his act together if he wanted it to continue. I followed up with her on this one.
I misunderstood about her marriages - she has only been married once before but they split and then reconciled before ultimately divorcing. This man was also an SA like my WH and was physically abusive. She shares her personal stories with me to help me see the ways my WH has mentally abused me over the years. She can definitely relate to my pain and confusion and seeing that she has come out the other side to have a happier life is encouraging to me.
She could see the writing on the wall with regards to me and WH. She has tried to gently prepare me for this collapse of our marriage and helped me to see that is really about him and his choices and his f'd up way of thinking.
I appreciate everyone weighing in on things. I walk away from SI with new perspectives on things all the time.
(((hugs to all)))

Me - 40
WH - 42
Married 18 years
kids - 14, 12
DD - May 13, 2013
DD2 - Aug 4, 2013
DD3 - Aug 27, 2013
Status - Legally separated; really wanted R but don't think that is possible anymore

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Southern Indiana
Topic Posts: 27
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