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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Currently on holiday but in danger of spoiling it..
UKlady
♀ Member
Member # 39058
Helpless  Posted: 1:24 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So me and WH are currently away on holiday in the beautiful Swiss Alps. It is a truly stunning place and we have the most perfect chalet to ourselves high in the mountains. My WH, btw, has done everything right in aiding our reconciliation and before we left for holiday things were looking really good for us.

However, so far I've had three complete breakdowns and can't really work out why. I've found myself looking at the most breathtakingly beautiful scenery yet thinking about him and OW being together. It's almost as if I've only just been told by him about the affair.

It maybe something to do with the fact that it was going on last year while we were on holiday together. We both knew that this holiday was going to be important in order to 'reclaim' our togetherness, to make THIS year's holiday the one we can look back on with only good memories. This morning when my H asked me what was bothering me I said that maybe I've been putting too much pressure on myself to make this one really count.

My H has been so supportive, will do anything to help, is so sad when he doesn't know how to help me or makes things better and pushes me to talk when I try to say it's all just 'fine'. He has said that this holiday wasn't supposed to be perfect and that it's good we are still talking about things.

We only have a few days left which includes a weekend where we will be meeting some new friends and I so don't want to spoil it.


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
hard_yards
♀ Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 2:35 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi honey.

Can you just change your focus on these few days together?

Try and step away from the pain, breath, give yourself a break, just for a few days. Unfortunately, it won't change anything long term, but might give you some peace.

Well... having said that, maybe it will have a more lasting effect. If you have something good, productive, happy, to reflect on, how things might become, given time, it might help you deal with what has happened.

Hugs honey, these are tough days, but I promise you, you will feel better.



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Apr 2009
grapefruit
♀ Member
Member # 27090
Default  Posted: 2:45 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((UKlady))


FWW / BS (me)
FWH / BS (him)
In R ...

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2010
brainless twit
♀ Member
Member # 12085
Default  Posted: 3:18 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember taking a vacation with my H a little more than a year after D-Day. It should have been a wonderful trip, but I simply wasn't able to enjoy myself. I cried multiple times about things that seriously didn't matter, and I think it's because of what you mentioned - I was putting all this emphasis on the trip and how it was going to be a turning point, and I ended up psyching myself out.

This is what helped me get through the last few days of the trip without losing it:

Remember that no one is grading you on the outcome of the trip. You don't have to report to anyone and there's no penalty if it's not perfect. Try to view it in terms of what it is (progress you've made, etc.) and not what it could have or should have been.

If something triggers you, don't try to act like you're fine - that can increase your anxiety. Let him know, "I need to take a minute. I'm okay but I just need a short breather," and go outside or to the bathroom or anywhere you can be alone to think. Once alone, ask yourself what triggered you and why. Take a minute to let yourself be upset if you need to, and don't be afraid to ask him for what you need. For example, on my trip I remember wanting my H to hold me. I didn't want to have a discussion; I just wanted comfort. And it helped a lot once I actually verbalized it; he was more than willing to help but didn't know how until I told him.

Keep the schedule fairly full when you meet with your friends this weekend. Avoid any long periods of quiet or downtime (no movies!) - the busier you are, the less time you'll have to potentially become upset.

Deep breaths and best of luck - I know it's important to you to have a nice time, both for yourself and your H. The best way to do that is to relax and take one hour at a time.


"Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks." --Forrest Gump

D-Day 8/7/06
Divorced 12/14/09
R Began 5/21/11
D-Day #2 7/9/13 (OW #2 is OW #1's first cousin)
Limbo? I don't even know if that's what this is.


Posts: 1541 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Kentucky
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:26 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We just got back from a 9 day beach vacation...about once every 4 days I was triggering hard...and it sucked. But I did the best I could. The 3 days in between we're good.....affair still in my mind but still swam, had fun, enjoyed nice meals.

Try to be patient with yourself. This is tough stuff....our minds don't take holidays.

Peace be with you.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK,
I know what you mean. fWW's was having the EA during our vacation last year. We usually go to the same place each year for one week of our vacation, but this year I decided to not go on any vacation due to triggering. I don't know if we will ever go back to our usual vacation spot either.

I'm hoping by next year, the memories will have faded enough that we can vacation without too many memories.


D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 484 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
letitout
♀ Member
Member # 38288
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't really have any advise, but I'm glad that you started this thread.

I am 7 months out and my H and I are going on vacation for a few days. The first one in 16 years by ourselves.

I am already shaky and triggering because he took his prostitutes on vacations. The drive to the airport, the plane, the hotels will all trigger me and I'm afraid I will spoil it for me.

I probably wont tell my H when I trigger because I don't want to spoil it for him, but the going to a quiet place for a while was good advise and I will try to have fun, at least if not fun a time to be alone.


BW 55, WH 64
2 years of prostitutes.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: California
UKlady
♀ Member
Member # 39058
Default  Posted: 3:00 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much everyone who responded to this thread. I was in a terrible place mentally and SI came to my help (as it always does - so grateful for this place).

I tried to 'just go with it' for the rest of the holiday and, thankfully, we did keep quite busy. Meeting up with new friends - previously only known online - was fabulous and such a great new experience for us both.

I seem to feel worse about the A at times when things are going well - it's almost like an irresistible urge to sabotage the good feelings myself before something/someone else does - hmm that's odd, never thought about it that way til I typed it!

There was pressure for this holiday to be good (pressure I put on myself) which wasn't necessary BUT having come through the other side at least I'll be able to look back at this holiday with good memories and now I don't have to think that the last time we were on holiday he 'had' her.....

Thanks again everyone for your support in this awful struggle to repair and recover.


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also am so happy for this thread. We have week-end get away coming up. I was very much looking forward to enjoying time together. The triggers the last few days have been so bad, I was starting to dread the week-end. You've given me a glimmer of hope & some ideas to get me through today as well as the week-end.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 9

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