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User Topic: Things that are Ruined for you
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanksgiving....my husband bailed out of a Thanksgiving cruise with his entire family at the last minute blaming work. My son and I went anyway. My husband then spent the evening gambling and drinking at a casino with the OW until 7am.

Posts: 626 | Registered: Jul 2013
Blameitontherain
♀ Member
Member # 37476
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanksgiving time frame bc of dday and that is when he went back to training and starting "dating" her.

Christmas time- he came home from training and slept with me. Gave me her std. Merry Christmas to me!

Planes: he said he met her through there. Turns out that was a lie but it triggers me regardless.

Childrens tv program bc a person looks like her

Anniversary

My marriage. I will never view it the same. There will always be a dark shadow over it. It may shrink , it may get larger but it will always be there.

Carrabas : WH loves this restaurant. He didn't take her there but this was the time frame he discovered it so it triggers.

Military training trips: I have panic attacks when he has to go on them which is often. He had his A while away training. I don't trust him, the company, anyone military related.


Posts: 273 | Registered: Nov 2012
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everything is ruined. He did everything with her that he did/does with me. Holding hands is ruined. Kissing is ruined. 'I love you' is ruined. Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Easter, St. Patrick's Day, Valentine's Day, Halloween, my birthday, his birthday, my daughter's birthday. School field trips. Cuddling up to watch a movie is ruined. Late night drives are ruined. The stars are ruined. Dancing. Our song. The smell of his skin. Our wedding photos. Every photo ever since I met him. My joy over the birth of my children. My faith in humanity. My belief in love. Greek salad. Sunglasses.

But hey, he got laid... so, that probably evens out.

I think I'm entering the 'angry phase'.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 786 | Registered: Jul 2013
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Security. Roots. Trust in people. Most of the internet. The state where "Floozy" lives. Even seeing license plates is a trigger (and he makes fun of it).

So many things. A big one is the dignity of our marriage and life and family reputation. Our daughter being stared at in school and kids whispering, as he hangs out in the back of the room with the other WS.

Not being "nuclear".

Traditions and family life. Ruined.

Sense of peace.

A job I worked four years to get.

Relationships with relatives he lied to.

Our lives.

It goes on and on.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2187 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
shatteredheart7
♀ Member
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to name a few...

Florida, the entire state! I went home to visit family and spend some time with my DVD's on the beach. He took the she week off and brought her to our home while I was gone.

Our old bed, I made him replace it, it was my dream bed. The day I found out I took it apart and got rid of it. The next day we went shopping for a new one. Out of spite I insisted on a king size temperpedic with cooling gel, the most expensive I could find.

My Dr's first name. Wouldn't ya know she has the first name of OW!


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
BeautifulEmpty
♀ Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate these threads because it hurts so much to read everyone's pain and see my own reflected in so many others words. I love these threads because it gives a safe place to write out some of the weirder aspects of how things feel without someone saying something minimizing.
I miss feeling pride in the things I do for the household and him specifically. Just little things like washing and folding his clothes. Now, I wonder how many times I washed the underwear he couldn't wait to remove for her.
I miss pride in our relationship. Even through so many of our hardships, I still looked at him with eyes so full of love and adoration...his OW commented on it once...how I looked at him with so much love. It's embarrassing now.
I miss knowing that no matter what crap he was up to, he never lied about it. Now, I knw he will.
I miss wearing his wedding ring and knowing that I was the only girl he had ever pursued...as opposed to them pursuing him.
I miss feeling safe. Him and I against the world.
Everything one poster wrote about not being able to tell your daughter to find a man like daddy...omg. She loves him so much.
My older kids image of him has been completely shattered over the years.
His wedding ring. While I know it was the reason OW turned her hatred on him (he refused to remove it after I told him to leave), I also know he was wearing it while he 'made love' to her.
Meeting new friends. So much of his bs started with old or new friends of his that I'm afraid to make any. Those that want to be my friend, I tend to hold at arms length or further.
Just everything. He is working hard on changing himself but I cannot enter in with a whole heart. I'm angry, always waiting for the other shoe...knowing it may take years to fall. Want to trust, afraid to trust.


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 242 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
BeautifulEmpty
♀ Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yeah...every freaking holiday too.
Every single, hard to get through without holding my breath.
He invited OW to Thanksgiving and freaked out my entire family because they had all seen him in action and recognized the signs. We had been in false R for 3 years at that point.


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 242 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
callmecrazy
♀ Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The Sound of Music and Annie. (OW was in Sound of Music in HS and now when I watch it I trigger) He was going to take HS performance of Annie to her house to watch but I ruined his night letting him know his father knew he was staying at OW house and he decided to stay home and yell at me for hours.

Thanksgiving ( he spent night b4 at her house then drug me to family dinners) Our sons birthday (finally found the texts confirming A few hrs before his big 1st birthday party) to name a few ...but Im still not far out so maybe some of them will come back.


Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
krazy8516
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everything is ruined. He did everything with her that he did/does with me. Holding hands is ruined. Kissing is ruined. 'I love you' is ruined. Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Easter, St. Patrick's Day, Valentine's Day, Halloween, my birthday, his birthday, my daughter's birthday. School field trips. Cuddling up to watch a movie is ruined. Late night drives are ruined. The stars are ruined. Dancing. Our song. The smell of his skin. Our wedding photos. Every photo ever since I met him. My joy over the birth of my children. My faith in humanity. My belief in love. Greek salad. Sunglasses.
But hey, he got laid... so, that probably evens out.

I think I'm entering the 'angry phase'.

^This. Every. Single. Word. (Although I've never cared for Greek salad - I hate "crumbly" cheeses). I feel for you, plainpain. I feel for all of you. So many different stories, so many people in the same pain. And for what?

[This message edited by krazy8516 at 3:47 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
fyou143
♀ Member
Member # 36618
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Burger King is ruined for me. The night that he met the OW we both were craving slushies and Burger King was open so he was going to go get some but before he could he received a call that the light to his business office was on so he went over there to go check it and then go get slushies. Turned out that he was there at the studio but then decided to go meet the OW for the first time (from what I know because they were chatting and talking on the phone for a couple of weeks). I was at home waiting and waiting and he said that he was making a "police report" etc as I was waiting at home putting his children to sleep, worried because of what was going on, cleaning up and trying not to fall asleep waiting up for him.

His Birthday is ruined for me as well because that was the day he meet her (goes hand in hand with the above situation) I guess he decided to give himself a bday gift.

Video games especially the ones he has are ruined I was to literally break them rather than sell them. Both of them were on the PS3 playing online for hours.

I can't trust what he says no more not even his I love yous and that he really loves me etc because even though I feel he does love me it is pointless because he said his I love you's, was loving me, telling me that i was everything all the while he was talking to OW, and meeting her.

His studio his business is ruined for me I can't and hate it at times because during dday one he mentioned to other woman that it was a place they can go to get to know each other better. Whether he did or not I don't know.

Those r just a few.


BS(me) - 26
WH - 34
DDay 6/24/12 at 2:04 p.m.
DDay 2 5/8/13-5/22/13 KIK App
2 Children ages 5 (boy) and 2 (girl)
I'm sorry is a statement I won't do it again is a promise how do i make it up to you is a responsibility

Posts: 144 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everything is ruined. He did everything with her that he did/does with me. Holding hands is ruined. Kissing is ruined. 'I love you' is ruined. Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Easter, St. Patrick's Day, Valentine's Day, Halloween, my birthday, his birthday, my daughter's birthday. School field trips. Cuddling up to watch a movie is ruined. Late night drives are ruined. The stars are ruined. Dancing. Our song. The smell of his skin. Our wedding photos. Every photo ever since I met him. My joy over the birth of my children. My faith in humanity. My belief in love. Greek salad. Sunglasses.

Actually, I think the bottom line is your WH is ruined for you.

I thought of what my list would be. I was going to put Thanksgiving on there because during the A, my WH spent Thanksgiving SCREAMING at everyone (me, my kids, my brothers, their in laws, etc) to leave him alone because he had work to do on his laptop. He wasn't working. He was actually sexting on skype with his pathetic girlfriend.

Then I realized, I LOVE Thanksgiving. I love everything about it. I just hate what my WH did and his behavior. I don't want him at Thanksgiving, but I still want to go and I love it.

Same with our trip to Disneyland during his A. He spent half of each day "working" in the hotel. He also kept walking away from us in the park to sext. Bad memories. But I don't hate Disneyland. I love it. I just don't want him there ever again.

It's not the day or the place that is tainted for me. It is my WH who is tainted and I don't want him in those places because he brings the filth with him.

The only exception would be our wedding anniversary. He stood me up on our 25th anniversary trip to take a sex holiday with his MOW. Why celebrate an event that no longer holds any meaning to either person?


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 821 | Registered: Jun 2012
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW#5 is a pilot. So the sounds of planes trigger me Every. Single. Time. I can't help but wonder if she flies over my place just to snoop.

Beer Drinking!!!!!! He slept with OW#5 after I left a brewery party early, and he stayed, said he slept on the couch at the business (yeah, right, he was in her bed)

Half of the places I like to go for vacation, he has now taken OW#4,5,6 to. I constantly worry about seeing them together when I'm out hiking or riding on the trails.

Meteor showers. We got married during the persieds. Yup NONerversary #13 coming up.

Full moons. We got married on a full moon.

Sunsets (I may be reclaiming these, they are just so DAILY) because we got married at sunset.

My career. He destroyed me by having affairs with customers of our business, which we started together because we were both totally into outdoor recreation. When I basically went crazy with PTSD my doctor put me on disability, and then the fucker FIRED me from my job because I wouldn't go into work for more heaps of his emotional abuse. The pervasiveness of HIM and all the OW in this field make it so I can't bear to stay in this field.

My self-esteem. Truly, it's still broken. I talk a good talk but my inner voice is super sneaky and I am sure that subconsciously I don't think I'm worth shit. I work on this every day but I have a whole bunch of self-destructive behaviors that I can't seem to kick, and I think they are rooted in not feeling worthy of treating myself well.

Blech. Fucker. I hate him.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1114 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
brokendancer7
♀ Member
Member # 39911
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All my hobbies, interests, crafts, sewing, etc. I used to enjoy them, but I can't bring myself to do any of them. Now I feel like they are all things a boring old hag would do, not exciting things like pole dancing, public blow jobs and pot smoking lunch breaks down by the river. The stuff OW was into. The things WH decided were worth blowing up his whole life over.

Everything from my life before feels invalidated and like a lie.


Me: BS - 58
Him: WS - 56
Married 34 yrs

Latest DD - April 2013, PA


Posts: 186 | Registered: Jul 2013
Emotionalhell
♀ Member
Member # 39902
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seeing the good in people
Being able to trust anyone
Feeling safe
Being content at whatever I am doing. I'm very restless
I seldom sleep all night

Not able to look at Wf with the same heart I used to see him with

Believing in true, faithful love
I hate love stories & romance movies now

Cell phones !!! The texting

And I also wonder was us real because all of the lies

The time with my children has been spoiled . Cause I'm just trying to make it through the day.. Not my happy go lucky person I used to be

[This message edited by Emotionalhell at 10:28 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]


Posts: 84 | Registered: Jul 2013
Mauimom1
♀ Member
Member # 35848
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weddings- what a crock of shit.

My photo albums- those memories are not real.

My wedding ring- I hate it.

I see all men as cheaters, because never in a million years would I have dreamed my husband could ever be one.


Posts: 82 | Registered: Jun 2012
purplejacket4
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ruined forever:
Halloween the day of their ONS
My BFF's old house where they hooked up (thank God she sold it)
BFF's daybed (where they had sex... I'm sure BFF would sell it but she doesn't know that's where the deed was done... Also my niece was conceived in that bed so I have mixed feelings about it).
The local Ashmore Hotel where they got a room again before deciding to end it
Victoria's Secret: self explanatory

Things that triggered me then but not now;
The Starbucks they would go to
The new Italian Restaurant
The new wine bar
Fazzolis of all places
The freeway I would see OW car on
The exit to OW house

Things that still trigger me:
Gold/tan SUVs. She had an old ratty 2000ish Lincoln. She recently got a newer gold/tan Toyota Sequoia. I know it's her car with the same ratty necklace hanging up and plates from her home state (she only drives hand me downs from her parents)
The corridors around the Health Science Center that I am FOREVER running into her
Her fucking name. My sister is 18 weeks pregnant and we are all praying for a girl but I could not handle THAT name


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2120 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 4:07 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

several things but the biggest...I no longer have my confidante. I'm afraid anything I discussed with him would
#1 be used against me
#2 be shared with ow.

I really miss conversations about my concerns, fears, anything important.
It's kids and bills st this point..as deep as I will go.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4865 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Our" beach.

The one we ALWAYS went to? The one with our initials carved into the picnic table? Yep. That one.

So we moved away and found a new beach near our home. Then the skank drove 200 miles up here to get married on it.

Now we have a 3rd beach. It's the best yet.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
7 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2204 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
PrincessPeach06
♀ Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mostly my hometown, the thought of ever going "home" because that's where OW is. Any high school reunion although I never have been to one nor wanted to but now wouldn't dare. TV/movies because any sort of kissing by anyone bf/gf, married couples, whatever is hard to watch. Sexy, fun books are hard to read and certain songs obviously.


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
SadFlower
♀ Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The Hampton Inn.
Panera Bread. (I'm trying to reclaim this.)
They would each drive 1.5 hours to meet at a certain Panera for lunch and then hop over to the Hampton Inn for hot sex.

The Quality Inn (where they first had sex. (it's now a Comfort Inn, so that makes me twitchy, too.)

The entire city of Albany--where the A started.

Poughkeepsie. After we moved, they would meet there.

I will never read The Girl with the Dragon Tatoo. OW gave it to FWH as a present.

Any movie with adultery as a theme. That cuts out a lot of them.

Margarita glasses. OW gave FWH a set (brightly colored plastic) for his 60th birthday. (I, of course, have destroyed them.) When I make margaritas, I serve them in regular glasses. I'll never buy new ones. (This, or course, is trivial. Who really needs margarita glasses?)

Pictures of us together taken during the affair years (9, count 'em, 9!). Especially the pictures of us during some of the lovely vacations we took.

Dr. Seuss. "Thing One and Thing Two" had a special meaning for them. And damn it, my dear little grandson loves Dr. Seuss!

Light blue Honda CRVs. OW drives one. And wouldn't you know, my daughter and her husband have exactly the same car, same color! Arrgh! (They do not know about the A.)

The sense that I was special to him. I obviously wasn't. This is the worst.



Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 380 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
Topic Posts: 53
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