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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Stuck on suspecting a lie
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS has done good lately in confessing a lot of lies. He did a timeline, which I know was hard. But there is one thing that I'm just convinced that he's still lying about. He swears that he's telling the truth. He says that he understands why I question the truth, because I believed all his other lies in past. I want to believe him.. but I don't. And it's causing problems because I'm angry that I feel like he's still lying.

It's over something stupid too. After Dday, I was posting on another forum for advice. Everyone was telling me to leave, and then these two new posters gave stories identical to mine and said to stay. They used the same bible verses my WS was telling me, and they knew details of our relationship that I hadn't posted online. I suspected that it was WS, and contacted administrator. Found out IP address was 45 minutes from his town, and that the two posters were the same IP address. The administrator deleted it for violating the rules on multiple accounts.

He swears that it was not him. He's told me that he's not dumb, and he wouldn't do something like that because he knows that he would get caught. I've been re-reading old emails where I was starting to suspect A before Dday (he confessed he went out with her, but lied by saying nothing happened), and he said that same thing. That he's not dumb, and he wouldn't tell me about dinner with her because that would lead him to getting caught. My gut feeling was so strong then, and I just chose to ignore it because I wanted to be with him. Now my gut feeling is strong about this too. It doesn't really matter. I don't care if he created a fake profile. I can even understand his motive behind it. But it just bothers me that I feel like he's lying about it.

How do you handle things like this, where you suspect a lie but don't have proof? If you want to stay with the person, do you just have to accept that he may be lying?


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
krazy8516
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

suspect a lie but don't have proof?

Welcome to my world. Therefore, I do not have an answer for you. But I will tell you what everyone else has been telling me - if you have a feeling, don't ignore it. Go with your gut. After all this time you have a 6th sense... if you feel like he's lying, he probably is. Maybe the truth will come out later? But the real question is, will you be able to move forward with R if you can't get passed this feeling? I'm not saying "let it go." I'm just saying be realistic.

If you want to stay with the person, do you just have to accept that he may be lying?

Nope, don't think so. At this point, there should be no more lies, about anything. My husband and I aren't even close to R, but I can tell you we never will if he doesn't start coming clean. I want everything, including the stuff he thinks will "piss me off" and the stuff I might consider to be a dealbreaker. You can never be sure what you can work through until ou have all the info.

Good luck and ::hugs::


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Markone
♂ Member
Member # 30291
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

one thing this experience told me, is to question "coincidences"...same bible verse? 45 mins away? hmmm. What's the most logical answer? your boyfriend.

If lying as at the root of this for you, ask him to take a polygraph and have him answer all the questions you have doubt about. It's worth the cost, if it is a dealbreaker for you


DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 412 | Registered: Dec 2010
sparklezombie
♀ Member
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's way too much of a coincidence. Definitely go with your gut on this one.


BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are things I've been told since d-day that I feel in my heart and gut are total lies, but I have no proof. I've spent so much time obsessing over them, trying to find the truth in any way I can. I think I just finally realized that at some point I WILL know and I have to let it go *for now*. So, I'm putting these on a shelf until new information comes my way.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says that he understands why I question the truth, because I believed all his other lies in past

Generally, I believe in Occam's Razor - the most simple, likely explanation is usually the correct one. It closely resembles Gut Theory on lying. I went through this too - I strongly believed my wife was lying to me about events in her affair, just because in the context of her behavior, personality, and the evidence I had the logical and most likely conclusion was that she had done certain things that she outright denied. Little by little, the evidence was found. The lies were exposed. It made it harder and harder to believe she was being truthful (after you've been told that's the complete truth for the whatever time). You have good reason to believe he is lying. What I'd be concerned about is if they are willing to hold onto little untruths what does that say about the big lies?


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3868 | Registered: Dec 2011
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are some things that I don't question at all, and just believe that he's telling the truth on. And then there's this, which my gut feeling just says something's off. I don't even know why he would lie about it, except maybe because he lied at first and just doesn't want to admit to the lie. But in the grand scheme of everything else that came out, this seems small and dumb.

He says that the behavior of defending the truth and covering up a lie can both be seen the same (defensive, etc), which I can kind of see. I don't know. It doesn't even really matter what the truth is, it's just that my gut feeling is bothering me.

What I'd be concerned about is if they are willing to hold onto little untruths what does that say about the big lies?

This worries me too. There's really only three things I can list that I still think he's lying about. One I've dropped as irrelevant. One I know he'll never change his story on. And then there's this. It just bugs me. I feel like I have to let it go if I want to stay with him.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
OneFootForward
♂ Member
Member # 39136
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to believe him.. but I don't. And it's causing problems because I'm angry that I feel like he's still lying.

It's over something stupid too.

You recently discovered the A, which is usually built on a web of lies no spider could hope to compete with. You then think you see another strand of the web float down before you, a trivial little strand. Thing is, like the fly, we get stuck on it. And the more we wring our hands trying to dismiss it the further we become entangled. Lies are like webs in that they must be cut through if you wish to escape. After hacking at them so long, we take something that looks like a lie... even if it is not... and treat it like one. Once bitten, twice shy.

Is he telling the truth or is it another fiction? I wish I could point it out. I would echo what the other have said, "Go with your gut." That said, you need to temper it until you know the truth... just don't forge it into something else!


Me: 42 BS
Her: 41 EMA
Married: 16 years
D-Day#1: 04/17/13
D-Day#2: 05/8/13
Children: 9,5 (girls)
Om: High School Flame
"Marital problems doesn't make someone a cheater just like financial problems doesn't make someone a thief"

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Mobile, AL
Wonderingwhy11
♀ Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMHO lies are hard to get over in trying to R. Especially if there has been several. Like the others have said you have to trust your gut. Honestly if you can't get past the lies and learn to rebuild trust you can't R. I think reconciling takes time and rebuilding trust takes time.

If you want to stay with the person, do you just have to accept that he may be lying?

You have to accept they lied in the past. The fact is affairs are about lies. You have to accept you will never know all the details of the A - but that is the past. You can't accept lies happening now or in the future. You need to draw a line between now and past lies. It is important the WS doesn't lie about what is happening now or in the future. I sincerely he understands this and makes the choice not to lie anymore.


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to accept they lied in the past. The fact is affairs are about lies. You have to accept you will never know all the details of the A - but that is the past. You can't accept lies happening now or in the future. You need to draw a line between now and past lies. It is important the WS doesn't lie about what is happening now or in the future. I sincerely he understands this and makes the choice not to lie anymore.

What about lies now about the past? I believe he's telling me the truth a out everything in present, but suspect that he's still holding onto some lies about the past. Do you just have to accept that you may never know the truth on those things in past, and focus on present and future?


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you just have to accept that you may never know the truth on those things in past, and focus on present and future?

That sounds like rugsweeping to me. I think that you only have to accept what is palatable to you.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3868 | Registered: Dec 2011
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Lonely Girl!

Boy! This post mimics mine. I just posted with the thread title "Does it Matter". You should read it because I am struggling with the same thing.

I don't believe my WH about the past either although I think he is telling me the truth now.

My post says the same thing... does it matter that I don't trust the past, should I just accept it, blah, blah, blah.

My IC keeps saying that if I want a M with my WH then I have to trust what he says. And yes it sounds like rugsweeping to me.

I am struggling too. What do we do? I wish someone would tell me.

I guess my IC has told me, but I don't like her answer.

Does that make it a deal breaker then?

UGHHHH!!!

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 8:48 AM, August 9th (Friday)]


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1452 | Registered: Jun 2012
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you want to stay with the person, do you just have to accept that he may be lying?
It seems like he should be more concerned that you would have to accept his lying as that means he is not rebuilding trust at all.
His failure to rebuild trust is because he has not broken his patterns yet, which is evident by this...
he said that same thing
Whether it is true or not is irrelevant when you treat the truth and a lie the same way. His reason you should believe him is that he isn't dumb and knows he would get caught? Except he was that dumb and he did get caught. So obviously his perceptions and reality do not quite match up.

That is what he has not accepted. He has not grasped that the dynamic has changed and only the pure, authentic truth in his actions have any hope of rebuilding trust. Saying he did not send those messages because he ostensibly smarter than that still smacks of a manipulative and deceptive mindset.

So the bigger question for you is not whether you can accept his lies but can you accept him as a liar.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3728 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IIRC, your WBF found your posts on SI too..all on his own..you didn't tell him..am I correct?

Yeah...I don't think it's a coincidence that the person posting on the other site was the same person,and 45 minutes from your house..considering the identical stories they spun.

He is still lying to you.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7319 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j Hey Brandon! Good to see you!


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3868 | Registered: Dec 2011
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi broken, I actually just replied to your thread. I got a lot of "I don't knows" about questions about dates and places, then told him what I posted in your thread. He went through his bank account and created a timeline, so those questions were fixed. Maybe your WS could do something similar?

That is what he has not accepted. He has not grasped that the dynamic has changed and only the pure, authentic truth in his actions have any hope of rebuilding trust. Saying he did not send those messages because he ostensibly smarter than that still smacks of a manipulative and deceptive mindset.

Maybe this is my problem. I think he's still lying because he's using the same words, same explanations. I feel like he did manipulate me in the past, and I'm terrified of being manipulated again. His explanations whenever I suspected something in past were so logical. I'm a logical person, so I believed him. I've asked this question a hundred different ways though and I keep getting the same answer. I don't know if its a lie or not. My gut says it is. But I don't have any proof. It's not even over something important. If he confessed the truth, I'd still stay with him. But I'm hung up over the possibility of the lie. Part of me thinks I should just let it go since the answer doesn't matter. The other part just doesn't want to be the dumb girl who believes lies again


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually..this *does* matter.

ANY lie during R is a problem. So it does matter if he is being honest about this...if he is lying,it shows he's done little to nothing when it comes to working on himself,and it shows a lack of respect for you,and the process you are going through now,as a result of his betrayals.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7319 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IIRC, your WBF found your posts on SI too..all on his own..you didn't tell him..am I correct?

Yeah, he did. His story is that he found SI because I put an email on here, and he googled words of email. Then he says he found my first forum a week later by googling screen name.

I think he found first forum around dday, and then found this one based on screen name. No proof though.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ANY lie during R is a problem. So it does matter if he is being honest about this...if he is lying,it shows he's done little to nothing when it comes to working on himself,and it shows a lack of respect for you,and the process you are going through now,as a result of his betrayals.

Agreed. The lie matters. The answer doesn't matter. I don't care if he found the forum. I wasn't trying to hide it from him.

But with no proof of a lie and the fact that the answer wouldn't change R, I feel like I should just try to forget it.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 9:26 AM, August 9th (Friday)]


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He just sent me an email saying that he read this post. He said that he considered telling me that it was him on the other forum, even though it wasn't, so I'd let it go. But he said he won't do that, because he's not going to lie to me. He also pointed out that I had let this go until last week when he confessed to seeing SI. He said he didn't have to confess that. So since he confessed that, the other stuff is true.

I'm feeling crazy again. All of that is very logical and makes sense. It totally makes sense. Just like it made sense when he confessed before dday that he had dinner with her and nothing happened. He had said that I should trust him because he didn't have to confess that. It made sense, so I decided to believe him.

The topic of the lie doesn't matter at all. But I hate feeling crazy.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 42
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