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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Stuck on suspecting a lie
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So he is following your posts here.

Other than that..what is he doing?

Why doesn't he post here? Im sure the wayward forum would be a huge help to him..and you.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7679 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like he is using your confusion against you. Consistency does not equate to honesty. Just because he didn't have to tell you something and he did doesn't mean that there isn't something else he is withholding. It's a shitty game trying to believe someone who has proven that they can lie to you over a long period of time.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4003 | Registered: Dec 2011
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've suggested he join the wayward forum, but he's a private person.

I guess I'll just let it go for now until I have more information


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is an anonymous forum. So being private is fine..the great thing about posting here is..you are as anonymous as you want to be.

I suspect there's more to it,though.

If he is going to use your threads against you..to confuse you..maybe you should ask him to respect YOUR privacy and stop reading your posts.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7679 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I initially declined to share the forum name with him because I wanted to use it as my place of safety and support. I tried explaining it to him, but he kept pointing out that I was keeping secrets from him. And he searched for it and found it. It felt like a violation of privacy at first, but I don't say anything in here that I wouldn't say to his face.

I also suspect that he's looking in my phone, but also no proof. Nothing to hide, so don't care. But aggravates me that he won't admit it

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 10:34 AM, August 9th (Friday)]


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Right after dday,I don't think a BS should be completely transparent with their WS. First,this person has just shown they can not be trusted. Second,you are entitled to a safe place to vent..sure..but also to get advice. By going behind your back,after you asked that he respect that,makes me wonder if his reasons for wanting to read your posts have little to do with your feelings..and more to do with staying one step ahead of you.

Sharing SI with a WS too soon after dday can backfire..badly. There have been WS's who share their BS's posts with their AP..and they laugh and make fun of the BS's pain. And there have been WS's who have read the advice on here..and used it to take the A underground..or just to stay a step ahead of their BS..so it looks like they're doing the "right" thing..when they're not.

That he told you it wasn't fair that you were keeping secrets from him..because you have found an infidelity support website..is bullshit. There is a HUGE difference between seeking support and advice to deal with the trauma of infidelity..and keeping secrets about fucking someone else.

But back to the topic...the reason this is holding you back..is because you know he is lying to you. Common sense tells you that. The reason you are confused is because it doesn't make sense. It makes sense that your WBF was this other poster(s) on that other site..and you're confused because he is denying it.

If you didn't ask him if it was him..and you just went on the fact,as you know them..you reach the very logical conclusion that it was him.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:43 AM, August 9th (Friday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7679 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just something to consider Lonelygirl. I've been following your posts and just wanted to point out that there has not been one person on here who has not tried very hard to help you see how toxic this guy is for you. Not even one. For you to get two posts to the contrary that have stood out as suspicious, I think your gut feeling is dead on. Just another manipulation tactics that is keeping you off balance.

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 10:51 AM, August 9th (Friday)]


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure why he wanted to read the forum so badly. He kept saying it was because he suspected I was saying things that would hurt his feelings, and he wanted to read them. He also tried to get me to stop posting, because he thought strangers who don't know him would give bad advice. I think he wants to read the replies so he can tell me when they're wrong. I think he also just liked knowing whether I'm thinking of ending things and how I'm feeling.

When he confessed to SI, i think he told me he had been reading it for about two weeks. That upsets me a little if true, because that means he was lying during those two weeks wheb he was asking me for tge name. I believe he found the other website back in March though, and that one led him here since a poster recommended SI to me. I kind of tricked him into confessing SI. I asked it in a very non threatening way. Then waited a week and asked if he had found the first forum. He said he did, after SI. So it's like he confessed that he's found both of them now, and can tell me he's read everything, but I don't think he told the truth on when he found them. It shouldn't matter I guess.

I suggested a lie detector test and he agreed. That makes me think he's telling truth, but I'm also jaded enough to think that he'd agree just to make me trust him more while thinking I won't actually set it up


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't figure out why you keep telling yourself that it doesn't matter when it is obviously keeping you in inner turmoil. It would seem that you are so infatuated with this guy that you are willing to sacrifice so much of yourself even when deep down inside it conflicts with your own values & beliefs about what a relationship should be.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't figure out why you keep telling yourself that it doesn't matter when it is obviously keeping you in inner turmoil. It would seem that you are so infatuated with this guy that you are willing to sacrifice so much of yourself even when deep down inside it conflicts with your own values & beliefs about what a relationship should be.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double post

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 11:10 AM, August 9th (Friday)]


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see a lot of selfishness on his part in your last post...HE was worried you were saying things that would hurt his feelings..(really?? what about alll the hurt he has caused you??)..HE was wanting to know what was being said..HE wants to read our comments so he can tell you we are wrong.(Pretty sure most of us have been spot on so far,though)

It's all about HIM. What about YOU?

And yes...he was lying to you...while reading your posts here on SI...and he was using what you were saying..and what was being said to you..to confuse and manipulate you.

It DOES matter..it shows he is willing to lie to you..and if he is willing to lie about "small" things..he WILL lie about the big ones. This is a BIG problem...please don't downplay this.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:11 AM, August 9th (Friday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7679 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't figure out why you keep telling yourself that it doesn't matter when it is obviously keeping you in inner turmoil.

I guess I'm saying it doesn't matter because the topic of the lie is not important? It'd be different if I thought he was lying about where he was last night or something. But even if he confessed that he found the forum back in March, what difference would that make? None.

I've been reading threads all day, and found one post where a woman said that she just had to let go at some point of trying to catch all the lies, and decide to move forward because the "answer" to the lie wouldn't change her decision to R.

It DOES matter..it shows he is willing to lie to you..and if he is willing to lie about "small" things..he WILL lie about the big ones. This is a BIG problem...please don't downplay this.

I don't have proof that he's lying though. Just my gut feeling. He could completely be telling the truth, and it's all in my head.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 11:30 AM, August 9th (Friday)]


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's ok for him to lie to you..as long as the subject of the lie isn't important?

I have to disagree...what difference would it make if he admitted it? All the difference in the world. It would show you he is willing to be honest about every thing..including the things he could keep secret..but chooses to be honest,rather than to lie to you.

It wouldn't change the past..he did it..it's done. But it would show you what you should expect in the future with this man..either he will be honest with you about all things..or he will pick and choose what to be honest about..and will lie to you if he feels it may cause a problem.

I respect that you have chose to ignore this and believe him..even though your common sense has told you he is lying. I get it. BTDT. But choosing to go along with this..when your gut is telling you he is lying...doesn't set you up for a healthy R.

((((LG))))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7679 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But then again, the probability is exactly what you think it is. It seems you are hesitate to create boundaries because you are terrified of having to enforce the consequences that may put this relationship in jeopardy and, trust me, he knows this.

You can choose to ignore and move on but, it will forever be in the back of your mind so is that really moving forward? Rationalizing all of these discrepancies in order to quiet those nagging feelings you have to justify staying in this relationship may work temporarily but, raring have long term effects.

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's most likely a duck!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMHO, based on this post and your previous ones, you are dealing with a man that is emotionally abusive.

I initially declined to share the forum name with him because I wanted to use it as my place of safety and support. I tried explaining it to him, but he kept pointing out that I was keeping secrets from him. And he searched for it and found it.

And the fact that he made concerted efforts to search out the site even AFTER you specifically requested that he back off is just appalling to me and highly intrusive.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8078 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suggested a lie detector test and he agreed. That makes me think he's telling truth, but I'm also jaded enough to think that he'd agree just to make me trust him more while thinking I won't actually set it up
My husband agreed to take one too. I think he thought it would be enough to convince me for him just to say he'd take one. And it was for a few days. As hard as I tried, I couldn't accept that he was telling me the truth. Things still didn't make sense. So I brought the polygraph back up and showed him a website of a company close by that does it. I asked him if he's still willing to take it and he says sure. I said "great, because you have an appt at 3pm tomorrow. Can't wait" Boy did he start back peddling!!! All the sudden he didn't trust the test and blah blah blah. Bottom line...he was still lying. It took me kicking him out for a week to admit it. All i wanted him to admit was that he had some sort of feelings for the OW at the time he was taking her out.

[This message edited by Scubachick at 2:01 PM, August 9th (Friday)]


Posts: 712 | Registered: Jul 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband agreed to take one too. I think he thought it would be enough to convince me for him just to say he'd take one. And it was for a few days. As hard as I tried, I couldn't accept that he was telling me the truth. Things still didn't make sense. So I brought the polygraph back up and showed him a website of a company close by that does it. I asked him if he's still willing to take it and he says sure. I said "great, because you have an appt at 3pm tomorrow. Can't wait" Boy did he start back peddling!!! All the sudden he didn't trust the test and blah blah blah. Bottom line...he was still lying. It took me kicking him out for a week to admit it. All i wanted him to admit was that he had some sort of feelings for the OW at the time he was taking her out.

Thank you for that story. That helps me to feel less jaded and cynical.

I'm tossing around all the comments on here today. I think I might just insist on a lie detector test. That way I can just know one way or the other if he's lying. If he passes, that should help R. If he fails, then at least I'll know.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
Markone
♂ Member
Member # 30291
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Think of this way. If he truly loves you and wants to help you heal, what a golden opportunity for him to prove he's telling the truth. He should be screaming that he wants this opportunity!

If not, why not?


DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 413 | Registered: Dec 2010
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has said he will do it. Even said he looked up places and cost for it.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 42
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

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