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Newest Member: sandihaze (45362)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: DDay Last Night
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Member # 40253
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry to hear all of this Doll. It rings so close to my broken heart that it's almost unbearable now. I too just found out that my H has had an A for 2 1/2 years.

All I do is rehash in my mind over and over ... and over and over ... everything they must have done in 2 1/2 years. When did they do it ... where? What was I doing at the time? How did he lie to me to get the time away? It is an incredibly painful movie that replays itself with intense emotional pain.

That for 2 1/2 years he made a commitment to someone!! He did things to and with this woman. That it was something about her that drew him back REPEATEDLY.

Do you even believe him that it wasn't emotional?! How can you?! I need help. I need to hear from someone else in this horrible situation that how could someone say "it wasn't emotional"? Bullshit.

Jesus this hurts. It is so all consuming.

DD 08/08/13

Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: mid-west
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Member # 40234
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dr appt went well. Doc says everything looks very healthy but bloodwork is not in. She was sympathetic and non judgmental, also reassuring as I told her that I had given blood in March and that if anything had been found in the screening which they always do I would have had a call (that's how it works up here, not sure about elsewhere). She said I will have to go back for more tests in 3 months and again at 6 but I am hopeful that at least my health is intact (that I know of).

I knew the Trickle Truth was in full effect today, I just knew. I pressed more. I told him he HAD to tell me everything or else this will never have a hope of being R. He said the last one (he says this is the last one) was another man that he met once. No anal, no oral strictly masturbation, touching but not even kissing - no exchange of body fluid (thank god). He said that was the one he held back on because he thought it was the worst. The funny thing is, I was less hurt by that than the 3 other women. I think it's because in my sick way of thinking it's not a level playing field so to speak. He did it more out of curiosity and decided that it wasn't for him. I am "competing" against these other women.

And he finally admitted that about 6 months ago he contacted his first fling again via e-mail (something previously he had said he didn't do) and that he approached her for more hook ups but that she was married now and she didn't want to cheat on her husband! Now that's irony for you!

I wonder how long her marriage will last, considering she had no problem sleeping with a married man before. Wedding rings = whore magnet. These people are so devoid of any self worth that they think it's a challenge, a trophy for them to go after someone who is married; it makes them feel superior for a split second " I was able to get your husband into bed with me, he doesn't love you, he cheated, I win". WRONG. THE WS ALMOST NEVER LEAVES THEIR SPOUSE, as I am slowly finding out.

I know it's hard to believe shoemaven that a 2.5 year long affair was not emotional but it wasn't. I am slowly learning this. This was selfishness on the part of your WS, looking to fill a void with sex and a false sense of being wanted, to escape their "real" life for just a while because reality isn;t working for them. It's cheap and it fades fast, that just leaves them wanting more, and there is the endless cycle of adultery.

In my case I asked my WS why he ended it with his 2 year OW. He said that it was because she started wanting more than just the sex, she wanted a real relationship, and he didn't want to give that to her. Obviously that is not what he was looking for or he wouldn't have come home, he would have left me.

We had our first MC session today, it was somewhat productive and it felt good to hear someone say to me "it's not your fault". We have another appt next week; WS is supposed to start writing about his feelings. This is a really long process but I hope it's worth it. I think anyone that believes in their marriage vows "for better or worse" would have to do some serious soul searching if this ever happened to them - don't let people judge you "walk a mile in someone else's shoes" it's impossible to judge if you have never lived it... Would they try? Would they take a look at the time, commitment and all the good things before the A? I have a feeling that people who think they have good marriages actually would find out quickly that they don't if they were faced with what we are going through. ((Hugs))

DDay # 1, Aug 7, 2013
DDay #2, Oct 30, 2013
Married(if you can call it that):12 years in November
Together since 1998, thought I knew him
"You can try to suck me dry, but there's nothing left to suck"

Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
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Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's more to his story about the man. He was scared to tell you because he thought that one was the "worst." So he told you the most watered down version of the truth to see how you would react. There's more...that's why he thought it would be worse. Because men don't have sexual contact with other men unless they have a sexual interest in other men. He is either bisexual..or gay..or it's possible he was "just" curious..but it is certainly something you need to explore. Im guessing you're in a bit of shock and haven't fully processed what he told you. don't have to compete with a man...because you can't. You simply don't have a there's no competition. I know how this feels. My WH cheated on me with a man. I was told a watered down version too..until he found out I had contacted OM..then the truth came out.

This is a HUGE betrayal. Because now you have to question his sexuality. I know..I understand the first instinct is to say no way,my WH is NOT bi. I get that...I am STILL..3 years out(today)..trying to process what he did(oral). It has caused me to question every memory we have..oh..and my WH swears he's not bi either...but men dont have sexual contact with other men..unless they like touching other men.

I can assure you..I hurt no less than any other BW on here..Ive been here for a few years..and have come to realize whether its a ONS,or a LTA,man or woman,the pain is the same..betrayal is betrayal.

I think you need to be very careful believing anything he says right now. He has cheated extensively for a very long time..cheaters lie and minimize...chances are,you only have the tip of the iceberg right now..and I think you need to be considering your WH sounds very much like a sex addict.

FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7694 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
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Member # 40253
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry Doll, but because we all need this to be a safe place I will keep this as 'safe' as possible ... and still find a balance between that and expressing my own thoughts and fears.

I agree with 'confused'. Your H gave you the much watered down version. There is no way he thought that was the worse and yet the story he told you is only what happened. Why do I bring this up?! Because I so whole heartedly agree with 'confusion' again ... you need to be cautious of what your H tells you from now on. Much like I am discovering, the trickle, as with you, is only beginning. I sense with your H that you may never know everything.

As for me, I am exhausted. Have been up over 30 hours as I seem to have begun the trickle in an advanced manner. He spilled so much last night that every time I thought he was done, a couple of hours later he spilled even more. Couple of hours later, even more. It seems that more brief affairs (including one night stands) followed the 2 1/2 year one. And this is exactly why I don't believe for one bloody second that emotions had nothing to do with the 2 1/2 year A. No way. I think it's what we want to believe. It lessens the incredible anxiety that follows me throughout the day.

I have never known pain like this. It is worse than anything ever experienced - even death of a family member AND animal. This is like a different kind of death and betrayal. The death of blissful ignorance.

DD 08/08/13

Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: mid-west
Topic Posts: 24
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