Welcome to SI, DollheartDead!
I hate that you have reason to join us, but there is no better place to be when this hell of infidelity explodes your world.
Read, read, read here on SI is my mantra. You can learn so much not only from reading things in The Healing Library (look in the yellow box on the upper LH side of your screen for the link), but also from the posts in this forum and the General forum.
I know you're blown away right now, overwhelmed by the horror, shock, and pain. Be sure to do your best to take care of yourself by eating and drinking enough to keep your body going. Easier said than done if your stomach is in knots and you're entirely consumed with what's going on in your life. Pure and simple this is trauma, and it's normal to be knocked for a major loop by it.
Has anyone reconciled after something like this?
Absolutely (raising hand): my fwh & I. I also have a friend for life from here on SI who was in a similar boat. She & her H are no longer here frequenting the site, but they're doing very well and are still together 5 years later. Both of our fwh's had some issues to deal with from their FOO's (family of origin) and both worked with ICs separate from any MC.
He says he loves me and always has but his actions show the opposite, this is nothing but pain.And what makes this so much harder is that obviously someone we are friends with knows (another detail of the letter), so if I choose to work through this, I look like a doormat and I will be humiliated even more.
The more you read here, the more empowered I think you'll feel. You'll see there are wonderful, wonderful people on here...people you'd never dream would be cheated on. Infidelity is no reflection on you, nor on your marriage, nor on the quality/quantity of your sex life, but rather a sign of your wh's issues. May I also recommend a fantastic book by the late Dr. Shirley Glass (an infidelity researcher) titled, "Not Just Friends". It is very validating and helpful.
Believe me I understand feeling humiliated knowing that others knew/know. It hurts. Don't let that sway your decision; it will come to be insignificant with time. Speaking of time, you don't have to make any decisions now.
I asked him if he was safe and he said yes.
Gently, this is very likely NOT true. "That's what they all say" sadly rings true when it comes to cheating. Think about it: they're already breaking their vows to you and betraying you, an ultimate selfish act. GET TESTED FOR STDs AND ENSURE YOUR WH DOES, TOO. I know, one's chest swells with pride to be a long-time married woman who has to seek out STD testing...feels like the Walk of Shame. Again, take care of yourself; be proactive. We went to the county health department because I couldn't bear the thought of it being in MY medical records. Regardless of where you go, though, my experience (and that of those I've read about here on SI over the years) is that these medical professionals have seen & heard it all. They are compassionate.
Oftentimes...actually, it seems most of the time, the initial accounting you get from the WS about their doings illustrate the term, "minimizing". "A few" may mean 6; "a couple" may mean 10. Full unvarnished disclosure was one of my primary requirements for trying to R.
I can't figure out whether he is truly sorry or if he is just sorry he got caught.
Time and his actions or lack of actions toward helping you heal will answer that question. It feels like purgatory in the interim, though, when your life as you knew it has been tossed on its ear.
As horrible as this is, I wish someone had sent me a letter. You deserve to have informed consent in your life. Unlike your wh's response of "who hates me?", I'd tend to say someone cared enough about YOU to tell you.
Hang in there, you're with friends now and we'll help you get through this.