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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Virtual Hugs
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a big hugger and I can't stop touching people - well females anyway... my poor kids were kissed all the time...

anyway, I only give virtual hugs to females here... unless I forget who I'm talking to.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

ôSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4529 | Registered: Dec 2010
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree I don't like it. I would feel as tho I was crossing a line if I said that to a female on here. I feel it's equivalent to a real hug. I actually get bothered when my BGF on here gets hugs from guys. Even sometimes women on here. I understand what people mean by it. It's not like they are saying "if I was next to you right now I would give you a hug" because that would sooooo be crossing a boundary. But why is it acceptable to give someone of the opposite sex a virtual hug?

I'm just glad I'm not alone in thinking this.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (Trulysad)
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day#1 2-18-13
D-day#2 6-13-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2013
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with you Aubrie84.

I'm a BGF, and while I understand most of you are giving a virtual hug to relay comfort and understanding, that's not the case for everyone. AND even more important, it's not always the way it's received.

It scares me to think my WBF is finding comfort and understanding in a virtual hug from another woman. It doesn't matter that it may have been sent with complete innocence. HE may not see it that way. There is a VERY good chance he is reading this as:

* Wow, she really understands me
* Why can't my BW/BGF see my pain
* It feels good to have another woman see my side
* Maybe I will PM her, and we can talk more about this

And then BAM! It starts.

The reality is, as much as I appreciate SI, and ALL the wonderful advice/support here... I also see the dangers in it. We are all trying to heal, in one way or another. We know first hand how the virtual world has made things so much easier to cheat/betray/and cover up adultery. We are told to respect boundaries and live by them. So why are we defending ourselves, when we give virtual hugs, just because we mean nothing more than comfort by them. If people are saying it makes them uncomfortable, we should start respecting that...

And realizing it's not nearly as important how someone means a virtual hug, as it is how it could be received and interpreted.

[This message edited by TrulySad at 4:49 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


Me: Done with his bullshit and getting stronger day by day

Posts: 424 | Registered: Jun 2013
TimeToManUp
♂ Member
Member # 37538
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The reality is, as much as I appreciate SI, and ALL the wonderful advice/support here... I also see the dangers in it.

I 100% agree with the above.

Additionally, I said things in text messages to OW that I would NEVER have been comfortable saying in real life. Never. But since it was through texts, it felt like it wasn't really. But it WAS real. VERY FUCKING REAL. And now my family is suffering the very real consequences.


I know we're worth it.
WH (Me-33)
BW (tattoodchinadoll-31)
D-Day: 12/22/11
Together 15 years, married for 10.
Three daughters, 8, 4 and 2.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: New Jersey
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie,

I'm glad you posted this thread. I have been mulling it over since you wrote it.

I'm pretty sure I have been guilty of giving a virtual hug to a male member or two. Sometimes when a read a post that fills me with compassion for the poster I try to write something that conveys my empathy in words and it never seems to come out right. I end up deleting what I have written and just sending a virtual hug because I just don't feel I'm good with words.

I am from the south and was raised to hug although I think I'm less "huggy" than many people I know. My raising aside, given what I have done, I do NOT feel comfortable IRL hugging men I'm not related to. I'm not smooth at getting out of it but I'm getting better with practice.

After reading this thread I see how virtual hugs can be a slippery slope. Even though in my mind it is intended to show empathy. It could be interpreted on the receiving end differently.

In the future I will be reserving virtual hugs for female members only. It wont hurt me to work a little more at using words anyway.

Thanks Aubrie and other posters for sharing your thoughts.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1392 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
RemorsefulWH
♂ Member
Member # 36446
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a really interesting point and I tend to sway towards Aubries opinion, although maybe not as strongly. I asked my BS her opinion and she has posted hugs in JFO, considers them to be non gender specific but instantly said "but I know you wouldn't do it" and also thinks PMs are a risky option on SI. I think hugs are very much a personal preference but given that most WS's (me included) were looking for any level of validation from others could be a slippery slope.


Me: WH 33
Wife: BS 32 (love of my life)
DD 4
Dday1: 12/03/12 and a number of others until 15/04/13, disgusted in myself

Posts: 75 | Registered: Aug 2012
TimeToManUp
♂ Member
Member # 37538
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think hugs are very much a personal preference but given that most WS's (me included) were looking for any level of validation from others could be a slippery slope.

Yep.


I know we're worth it.
WH (Me-33)
BW (tattoodchinadoll-31)
D-Day: 12/22/11
Together 15 years, married for 10.
Three daughters, 8, 4 and 2.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: New Jersey
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me, this entire subject condenses down to what you hear so often on SI - take what you need, and leave the rest. None of us have a hug/no hug flag (but you could put one in your tag line ), and the way I see it is hugs are used on this site to the degree that each poster is comfortable with. It's the giver, not the receivers "hug preference" that determines if the use that...or if they use emoticoms, or any other way to try to express compassion, humor, anger, disgust, sadness, and feelings in general in a non-verbal no feedback forum. I think the intent of those giving hugs on this site is genuine, as is the feeling of those that they make uncomfortable. No right or wrong here - maybe MH can put a "No Hugs Allowed" sign by those that want to opt out


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3760 | Registered: Dec 2011
25yearslater
♀ Member
Member # 32806
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe that pm's (little bit of an off shoot of virtual hugs) did become a slippery slope and hurt us. WH became a SI member first though I did not know it (obviously other things were hurting us too). He was struggling with NC and justifying his A and would post questions. Many members were trying to help him and the possibility of R (and swung a few 2x4's). Other members pm'd him to agree with him and helped him justify his shitty choices. It was more helpful for us for him not to be on SI as a member - valuable for him to read though!


me: 50 yrs old BW
him: 50 yrs old WH
Together: 33 years
Married: 28 years (?)
2 teenagers that we love dearly!
DDay: November 2010
DDay #2: July 30, 2011 found out restarted EA with same MOW (ended before I found out)
DDay #3 & #4: 11/26/11
D

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jul 2011
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

QS and I had the great PM debate when I first joined.

I stay signed into SI. QS can track my every move here. Threads, posts, journal, PMs, the whole kit and caboodle. I also clicked the option to send copies of PMs to my personal email. That way we are able to "screen" my PMs before actually reading them on the site. If anything is hinky, I can delete it without actually showing it read here. (make sense?)

I've had one instance where someone was sorta questionable via PM and I slapped them upside the head. Never had another issue.

Thank you again for your opinions and insight. It's interesting.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6065 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I first joined SI, there were no icons noting male or female. No one would know unless you specifically posted that you were male or female.

I know that when you're alone and hurting, the healing power of virtual hugs is strong. Probably stopped me from doing some really bad things to harm myself in less stable times to think that SOMEONE cared.

I hugged a guy here tonight. He lost his cat and it was so sad- the story elicited such empathy. I thought about it for a couple of hours because of this thread. I posted without a hug, but my words just seemed cold without it, so I deleted that post and thought about it some more. Then, it just really felt like the right thing. I meant nothing by it other than, "I hear you, I feel your pain and I'm sorry you are suffering."

Our group of friends IRL always greet each other with hugs. It doesn't matter if we saw them just a week ago. And if we walk into a party with 30 people, we're going to be hugged 30 times! And it's been that way for 30 years. We've known each other since we were kids. It would be strange to switch it up now. To my knowledge, there have been no affairs in that group. My H is a WS, yes, but not because he hugged someone. And I think he's the only one in the group.


Posts: 11403 | Registered: Mar 2008
3xloser
♂ Member
Member # 34735
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, August 17th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing too exciting to add that hasn't already been said. I view it as a sign of support and empathy and not really an erosion of proper boundaries. Given the anonymity of the sight it seems like a sweet, harmless gesture to me.

Posts: 134 | Registered: Feb 2012
Topic Posts: 72
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