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User Topic: throwing things, police, telling, you deserve better
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Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your mom is trying to protect you, but she needs to B.U.T.T. O.U.T. of this decision.

Tell the other BS. He needs to know, if only to get STD testing.

And BTW -- what you did on OW's FB? that wasn't *bad*, it was *not nice* (as in, not playing nicely) and maybe ill-considered. What the OW did when she decided to have an affair with a married man? Now that was **BAD**. And what your WH did and continues to do? That's *REALLY BAD*. Seriously. You have *nothing* to feel guilty about.

ETA: hugs to you.

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 1:01 PM, August 9th (Friday)]

DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 879 | Registered: Sep 2012
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Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1 - You need to tell the OBS. He has a right to know what's going on. Tell him, give him the proof if he needs it. Then you step away and let them work out their own problems. If for no other reason, he has a right to know that she's playing with his HEALTH!!!! Your mother is probably coming from a good place but I think she's coming from a place of "old fashioned thinking". In her day, you didn't talk about affairs.

2 - You need to read the 180 in the Healing Library and start doing it YESTERDAY. He's not sorry or remorseful. You need to shift your focus on you and not him.

Me BS (35)
Him WH (38)
2 Children - 9 & 1 years
DDay #1 Sept 2011
DDay #2 Nov 2011
In R

I feel angry but not homocidal; this may be progress.

Posts: 51 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Canada
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, if mama bear was thinking of her cubs she would not have been fucking your WH for four years. She is not likely to be more protective of them than she is of herself while she has this secret going on. Also, the BH here is just as likely to be protective of his children and direct his anger at her for bringing this into their lives.

Which is the second thing - she brought this into YOUR life. Just like your WH brought this into HIS life. You telling the BH is not bringing it into his life or focusing on their marriage - your WH already did that with the OW. You choosing to inform the BH of the situation is doing no more than providing him the information with which he can make an educated decision.

Third, that blog is full of fear mongering cowardly bullshit by a man too afraid to face the responsibility for his own actions and accept that telling his spouse didn't cause the pain of infidelity, fucking another woman did that. That it's usually the WS who loses his/her shit and goes on a murderous rampage when it happens. That talking about who has the right to tell whom is completely fucking irrelevant when he didn't have the right to go off and have an affair in the first place - or if he did, then why does he have the right to keep it secret? Because it will hurt his wife to know? Again, it hurt his wife because he put his dick in another woman.

There can be solid arguments for not informing the BS, but that blog is a festival of stupid and it's written by the chief shoemaker for Clown City.

"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7495 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
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Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep I'm a thrower and breaker too, shit happens.

I agree with the others, tell the OBS. Who cares what the MOW or your WH thinks. Their thoughts are not of your concern.

BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that blog is a festival of stupid and it's written by the chief shoemaker for Clown City.

2nd that!

Posts: 6675 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
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Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, first of all, your rage and throwing things comes from somewhere!

I threw things. I destroyed a lot of china, glassware, etc.

Why? I had no way of expressing myself adequately. THE FURY!

I couldn't believe, I couldn't accept what was reality. The reality was that my WH didn't love me. Not for real. He had some sort of charming weak affection for me but the love we had when we married was gone. GONE. Anything that looked like love I clinged to desperately, but my desperation to have my loving husband back did not make it happen. I was powerless to MAKE HIM BE REMORSEFUL.

I was terrified of being alone. Terrified of losing everything I had invested in the M. You know what? I've survived and I'm glad I've walked away. My heard doesn't bleed daily. I'm at peace. I'm even OK being alone.

So here is my advise to you:

Kick him out.

Direct your rage in getting his toxic on-the-fence attitude out of your life.

You do NOT DESERVE a husband that is not fully committed to you. And he's NOT. YOU DO DESERVE BETTER, YES YOU DO!

He is not remorseful. If he was concerned about repairing the damage he'd done, you would know it was real, not this game of his that he is toying with your heart. His cheating heart doesn't even deserve the chance to live in the basement. OUT!

Second, about telling the OBS... You know, he deserves a chance to live an honest life without deceit. And if he doesn't know what is going on he is in the dark. Assemble the evidence you have, and give it to him. It is a gift of kindness, a painful one, no doubt, but I can assure you nobody wants to be blind! We would all rather see, even if what we see isn't exactly pretty. Truth is SO important and he should have the truth about this POS WW of his. He can then make a decision what do to about it. You don't have to get involved beyond informing. After that it's out of your hands and you can have a clear conscience.

Also, your mother needs to mind her own business. Don't allow her to project her fears and anxiety onto you. You don't even have to reveal that you told the OBS.

Seriously, you are not going to find your husband's love while you allow him to treat you this way. Kick him out and move on.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
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Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The blog post was apparently written by 'recovering WS'. S/he doesn't sound like any expert to me. Shirley Glass (NOT "Just Friends") is an expert, and she counsels outing the A.

OBS in my case knew before I did, so I didn't have to out the A - but I sure wish he had. It would have cut the A short by 10 days, and it would have put my recovery 10 days earlier than it is.

Even if revenge would be one of your motives for outing the A, a much more important motive is simply to give OBS some news that impacts his life significantly. Do it.

Why do you place more credence on some anonymous blog post to make your non-disclosure decision than on recognized experts?

What were you hoping to read when you opened this thread?

Have you gotten any new ideas from this thread?

Have you read anything that will change what you're doing?

Hasn't the 180 been suggested to you before? What's keeping you from initiating it?

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10430 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
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Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all. More later as I'm getting a much needed hair cut and on mobile but a) there are no stds b) she's very likely not A serial cheater and this was just the perfect storm. C) Where please tell me does Shirley glass advise telling other betrayed spouse. I have her book on audio. D) what about WSs you deserve better crap because he lacks emotional courage or doesn't love and e) whaT about involving police as first mentioned.

Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
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Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm listening carefully up all that you all say and agree with Much. Also complications . If I tell other BS and wind up absolutely not R'ing with ws, then we have to sell house and lets just say that he can be an angry Sob and its just going to make my life MISERABLE to deal with a house sale with a super angry man. And ps I have more to loose as I made the downpayment from my dad after he passed. No matter what I will be better off if I delay telling Obs until practical matters like house selling r done! Make sense ? Mobile typing. Might be typos.

Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
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Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's also super important to remind you that this is a woman that your WS left you for, for 2.5 years, and he's still in contact with her. You guys JUST got back together, and he's already struggling with NC. The other BS can help with that.

DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
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Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still on mobile so unable to respond fully. I don't know that theyre on contact but of course cannot be sure. I was the one who told him I niggled her on FB and I gather she called him freaking out. However. You are TOTALLY right in that telling OBS will help put that to rest UNLESS the revelation results in their separation and then I'm quite sure she will be in major contact with him as a support. So telling OBS could definitely absolutely bring on MORE contact and potential ugliness. Thing is he REALLY doesnt want the affair to result in breakup of her family (yeah yeah like duh you a**hole) and he WILL BLAME ME for exposure. After all they did a damm good job for all those years of hiding to "protect " others. I know AND you all clearly know that both endangered her family when they engaged in their magical love affair. But as they were almost successful in hiding the truth, and she certainly was, I will get blamed. Which is fine since I know the truth but I sti have to protect my interests and only when I'm safe can i tell.

Believe me when I say I want to although I cannot at all say its not mostly out of revenge. I really COULD walk away, let their marriage be whatever it is. Its really desire for revenge. Or a twisted form of justice that I seek in disclosure. And that's not good. Its like the article link said.

[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 9:09 PM, August 9th (Friday)]

Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
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Member # 38150
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I don't post that frequently, although I lurk a ton. Your post and situation really called out to me.

Please tell OBS.

I was in a very similar situation... Although I did have a remorseful spouse, so it does sound to me as though your WH could be more supportive. The OW told me that her BH was violent, owned guns and would come after my husband and family, or kill her and her child if he found out. So I stayed silent. For 7 months. It was pure torture on my soul. I thought about telling him, thought about what would happen if he found out, spent far too many counseling sessions discussing the "what ifs", and then there was the anger. It was almost as if me knowing that her BH didn't know gave me license to converse with her about it. I begged her to tell him. I sent text after text after text. She asked to meet me in person to explain why I shouldn't tell. I even went so far as to send her a text at 2am that simply said "whorebag". Maybe not my finest moment. I was consumed by how unfair it was that she continued her life practically unscathed while my WH and I were dealing with our lives being completely turned upside down.

So, you know what? One day I just decided enough was enough. I was scared to death, but I contacted the police department, and let them know of the potential for violence. They did file a report, but I'll be honest, were generally dismissive. I called some close family members and let them know what was about to happen. I gave them BH's name and address and forwarded affair emails to a close confidant. I was ready to take my life back from her no matter what. I called him, and he was angry.... But he had suspected. The conversation went fine. And NOTHING ever happened. It has now been three months and we haven't heard one single peep.

The most healing part was that telling her BH released my urge to be in touch with her. It is gone. Right after I told her BH I received a text from her questioning why I would ever do such a terrible thing to her. (I actually had to LOL at that one). I simply replied that there was no longer any reason for us to be in contact, and that any further attempt from her was unwanted and would be reported to her employer. (They worked together and the affair was outed at the office. My husband chose to leave the office at my request and she was demoted with a very stern talking to about appropriate professional behavior. I feel confident that if I had proof that she was still in contact with me, she would be fired).

Anyways, my point in this long post is that it may be that you are "stuck" in rage and anger because there is some unfinished business in ensuring that everything is being done to keep NC in place. I know it made a world of difference for me in moving forward on my path to healing.

My mantra every day "I deserve peace. I deserve love. I deserve happiness." I wish all the same for you,

Me (37): BW
Him (33): WH (1sorryGDF)
D-Day: 12/19/12
DD: 3yrs old
DS: Almost 2!!
2 yr EA/PA
Working hard towards R with IC's/MC
Slowly... but getting there

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jan 2013
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Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you have obviously had TONS of advice hear to tell, however you are just not ready. Fear of the unknown and fear of abandonment and our low self esteem after the person we love has thrown us away will hold you in place like being in jail. You just don't see it yet.

These feelings you have won't go away. Your gut is screaming at you that all is not well. Keep working on you and I hope you have a good IC you are going to that will also help you thru this time.

Posts: 5684 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
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Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that MOW should not be a concern for WH. He claims she isn't. I kind of believe him.

Gently I say that your WH is concerned about her. He wanted to know "WHY you were bothering MOW" and tried to say that you would "Ruin her family" ~ Seriously, he should not care. And by the way, HE was instrumental n the destruction of anthers M when he had an A.

RE: Telling the MOW BH...What if the table was turned and he knew but you did not. Would you want him to come forth and let you know the truth about your M or leave you in the dark?

ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2124 | Registered: Nov 2011
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Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did a lot of what people told me to do (well, except leave his fooly self). It made me look like a fool and took away my voice

Dont go on her fb page anymore. Dont write on her fb page anymore. It gives her proof to say youre crazy.

Do tell her husband. He has the right to know. You wont ruin their marriage by telling him. She ruined her marriage by betraying her marriage.

I did a lot of what you did. I was lethargically depressed (still am, really). I broke a lot of what was in the house. I begged him not to leave.

Wh would threaten to leave when I lost it. In fact he did....straight to the whores house. Then I called and called and called begging him to come home.

All that did was totally distroy my self esteem and self respect

From the land of dont do what I did I say start taking care of yourself.

Tell her h very simply and with proof

Then let them go.

Dont chase your h. If he wants to go, let him

If you have the time and resources (I dont have the time), get into IC and start making YOU a priority.

People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not ....will be divorcing the selfish creep.

Posts: 8414 | Registered: Sep 2007
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Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to STOP worrying about everyone else- your WH, the OW, her BS AND THEIR KIDS.

you need to start worrying about yourself. Immediately.

Start by reading- and implementing- the 180. Today. Right now. Take back your power over yourself and begin the road to healing for YOU.

Second, you really need to tell the OWs husband. He does deserve to know. I'd guess he probably already knows, has some clue or feels something is off.

Your WH was having, by your tag line, a Love Affair with his wife for years!!! He deserves to know. There are not many SIers who will disagree with this. We have been in your shoes, we understand the fear and worry.

You are already living in misery. Don't you want to come into the light if healing? You can only do that by exposing their "love affair" to the real world.

And finally, stop calling it a love affair. For your own sanity, call it like it is. A dirty, secret, lying, disgusting affair. That is not love. When you love someone, you don't have to hide their existence in a land of unicorns.

Time to get real. You can do this.

divorced the Dooosh
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.

Posts: 3618 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
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Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MOW is not your husband's concern.

She is HER BH's concern. And she is a darned big concern that he needs to be sorting out.

Tell him. Not for revenge. It is your right to preserve your marriage by telling OW's husband. It is his right to preserve his marrigage, if he wants, with his cheating wife.

I read so many posts today, I can't atm recall if if was yours where the MOW was foaming at the mouth saying she could take your man or something.

that is so trashy of her. what a silly twit. tell her husband and let's see if she keep HER man.

He probably kind of knows already. what a relief to him to not be gaslighted anymore.

Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
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