**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson
And they continued after I got my own place and he was still coming around, hoping to woo me back. Just one lie after the other after the other after the other.
It got to the point where I told him he had ZERO credibility and that if we were standing outside in the sunshine, I STILL wouldn't believe him if he said the sun was shining. I told him he'd sell his own mother down the river for a quarter just to save his own ass because he'd sworn on her life more times than I could count - and the poor woman is a cancer victim/survivor whose future is uncertain.
It got to the point where I had ZERO respect left for him and even THEN, he was still lying.
When do they stop? I think for the majority, never.
[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 9:01 AM, August 9th (Friday)]
My WS is lying, well over 3 years out from the last d-day. I have no more details of his first infidelities--in the early 1990s (but discovered/confirmed in 2006) than I had the day I confronted.
I tried to R after that discovery. "It was so long ago," "I've been so good since then."
The "last" (not really) d-day? It took a few months (primarily because I was decimated and non-functional) to realize there would never be truth.
I decided, if truth were not forthcoming, to lose the liar.
I hope your WS realizes, FAST, that it's not infidelity, usually, that ends a marriage. Rather, it's the ongoing lies.
[This message edited by solus sto at 9:16 AM, August 9th (Friday)]
Some WS's will stop lying a few weeks or so after dday..or once in a while you will have a WS who comes completely clean on dday(very very rare)..some never learn to be honest.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
In 2010 I got very depressed one night. I called my husband and asked where he was. He was at a bar with a woman. The previous week, he was there and I saw them together. I told him, that lady is a home wrecker. Stop talking to her. He said he wouldn't talk to her anymore. So then the next week, I called his phone and asked are you at the bar with the OW he said no. He thought he hung up the phone but he didnt. I could hear him talking to this OW and laughing and flirting. I was sickened. I came and picked him up and asked him who he was at the bar with. I asked if OW was there he got so mad accusing him of something he didn't do. He was pissed and acting like I was a witch controlling B that was accusing him of lies.
Everything changed that night.
I guess i never told him I heard her on the phone and knew he was lying. I never trusted him again. It amazed me that he could look me in the eye and LIE. He had no remorse either. Something changed in us both that night. I never really ever trusted him again and still don't 3 years later.
Another thing that's happening that's not easy is that the words don't match the actions or what's happening, like with not difficult (that should be black and white) things like money. He will tell me one number, but in reality, on the paper or screen, is another.
Or he will tell me he did something, and I find out he didn't...often the hard way.
But you know what? It's been so bad in this awful process, that it helps me with a harder no contact, because it makes me cuckoo and I worry it could be a way he wants people to think I'm incompetent.
Yes, it's all about them, their lives and self protection, at all cost. Our child got caught in the wind fire, relatives, workplaces, our home...the steaks rise in order to protect "thyself", as my father calls it.
I think it's really hard when we learn how many people are affected by one person's selfishness...how many lives touched and ruined, sometimes OW/OM, too.
ETA the post from Solo Sto about things after discovery day ending things is pretty much what happened here. Nearly Exh said to me some of the worst things one person could ever tell another and the words still echo in my ear during down times. I may have been able to work on the issues and his cheating issues (impulse and lack of boundary respect), but the lies he told and rewrite of our life together can never be unsaid. And the things he likely told "them and her"...in some ways it does matter.
The day he yelled at me in the house we built, in her defense, was the last I could stand.
[This message edited by Ashland13 at 4:51 PM, August 9th (Friday)]
The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge
I have no idea if it was physical, it makes me sick just to think about it. 90% of me says it wasn't, the remaining 10% tortures me in my sleep. He wouldn't of told anyone not even his IC
If we do get to the point that we think about having a kid, I may ask for a lie detector test.
But I think that for me it was accepting that it was infidelity no matter what transpired. The habitual lying from the cheating is actually what is killing our relationship... and the fact he is a great one.
6 months after she confessed the affair, she told the truth for the first time.
I now understand the issues that led to him always protecting himself. I realize that he didn't feel close enough to anyone to put their needs ahead of his own and that avoiding conflict by lying was just easier for him. I believe that made it easier to cheat as well; he felt like it, it was really none of my business and lying was second nature.
Now he is finally self aware and mortified at what he had become and how he treated me (and he treated OW horribly). Getting the help he needs (actually lied to his IC in the past as well). And that gives me hope. Now I won't even tolerate a little white lie. I won't let him lie to himself. It's a new ball game.