He also wanted to buy a boat, and asked if he could have $1000 of our tax return to get one. I said yes, but later saw a text message showing that the boat really cost $2500. I also accidentally discovered that he had a bank account, debit card and credit card I knew nothing about, and at least the latest withdrawal from the IRA went into this bank account.
I haven't had the guts to confront him directly about all this yet, but did ask him for his quarterly statement on the IRA, while all the while having access to it. I wanted to see if he would panic. Well, he did. He downloaded the statement, converted it to a Word.doc, then changed all the amounts. Unfortunately for him, he doesn't know how to change a graph line. He also forgot to change a lot of other information on it.
I'm trying to get advice on the best way to confront him. I've also discovered he has registered with online sex/dating/escort sites. I don't know if the money was used for random sex, gambling, being stashed away, or what. All I know is that I'm devastated by all the lies and betrayals. What should I do?
What is stopping you from doing this?
First, you need to consult a lawyer to find out where you stand.
If it is an IRA that he opened, he probably could put money in, take money out, etc without your permission. However, if it was a company retirement account, federal law might be a factor and your signature might have been needed - check into that if it is a "company" account.
I know you said that he probably hasn't cheated physically - what do you think he has done with the thousands and thousands of dollars if he is never away from you, except for during work hours.
If the money is gone, it's gone, but you need to talk to an attorney ASAP to find out how to protect yourself going forward. Maybe he could sign over the house to you or something.
And....do not sign any more tax returns or any other papers without thoroughly reading them.
[This message edited by k9lover1 at 12:43 PM, August 9th (Friday)]
I wanted to see if he would panic. Well, he did. He downloaded the statement, converted it to a Word.doc, then changed all the amounts.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
There are thousands of dollars missing. It isn't a question of IF he spent it on infidelity, it is a question of how much. As in, how many thousands. I am SO sorry.
There is a reference thread you may find helpful:
But basically do this ASAP:
Get a lawyer.
GEt STD tested. Every single test they have. Even if you have not had sex for years, I am not kidding.
Pull all the financials NOW. He may try to shut you out of them. Get credit reports on him NOW, so you don't have to subpeona them later. Order them online. If you can't/don't want his permission, I wouldn't say impersonate him (wink, wink) but it is not difficult to get past the security questions they ask to set up a request online if you have been married many years.
Don't want until after the wedding. He is counting on the wedding as a big dstraction to spend even more, I promise you.
As hard as it is to believe someone you love could lie and cheat you, they do do it, and you need to think of your own security So sorry you had to find these things, but better now than when most of it is gone.
In our divorce, I was the one who was not up front with $$$$. BUT, I had huge loans and payments out because I was trying to "give" my husband everything he wanted to keep him happy. (codependant to the max). Anyway, Wh was furious when he found out, but his atty told him there was nothing he could do bc it was done during the marriage. Once we had a legal separation, then the $$$ had to be accounted for.
Also, sorry to say that the $$$ in your IRA is 1/2 his. This has happened to several women I know. Start putting cash away somewhere safe.
Prostitutes, gambling, hiding it from me if he plans to leave me? I don't know, but I sure plan on finding out when I confront him.
Sadly, my exH spent $13,000 on prostitutes, strip clubs, phone sex, lap dances, etc. THAT I COULD VERIFY. I only had bank records for 3 yrs prior to D-day, and my gut always told me there was more...lots more that I couldn't find.
I agree with the others - see a lawyer. If your H is "wasting marital assets" an attorney can file for an injunction to make sure he can't waste more of it. Even tho it is HIS IRA, it's still considered an asset of the marriage. If you do not want to involve your boss, then make an appointment with a family law attorney.
Protect yourself, starting NOW.
**Edited to add: After reading your other posts, I have to agree that it is unlikely he has done all of this money squandering, secret bank accounts, secret email and signed up for sex sites, and NOT have pursued anything physical. I'm so terribly sorry...
That said, I can tell you that my exH met hookers AT LUNCH while working. If we have learned anything at this site, it is that if someone wants to cheat, they will find a way.
Please, please, please protect yourself.
[This message edited by Too_Trusting at 6:50 PM, August 9th (Friday)]