I am new here and I have debated for awhile about whether to post here or not. I have been reading here a lot and it is comforting to hear some of the stories of successful reconciliations. And to know I am not as alone as I think is a bit comforting.
So here is my story. My fiancÚ and I have been together for 18 years. We have a four year old daughter together.
On 6/22/13, he went to the bathroom and left his phone in the room where I was at. I never looked at his phone ever because I trusted him but a text came in so I decided to pick it up. It said "If you want a blow job, get up with me before 12." I freaked out! Took the phone straight to him and asked him what it was about. He said wrong number, and locked himself inside the bathroom and deleted everything. On iphone, you can delete the messages without deleting the number so by the time I was able to get access to the phone, there was nothing left but numbers. Several different numbers so I wrote them down. I ended up texting the phone from my cell and they also said wrong number but there was something in the way they said it that bothered me. If I could of remained calm I could of just picked up the phone and read everything on it. His packrat ways made him keep every email/text/voicemail he ever got but he deleted when he realized I was on alert. I kept searching the phone numbers and this number was unlisted. I started looking at phone records and went back a year. I saw all kind of phone numbers on our records. Texts, calls. When I would ask him, he would say he had no clue. Since he used it for business it could of been anyone. I kept asking why the same numbers were called over and over and he could (would) not explain anything for me. I came across a number that I was able to get an address and name on. Just kept doing a lot of research and putting two and two together. My child is suffering because I am obsessed with finding out who this person/people are.
I broke into his email and found where he had tried to contact female escorts on three different occasions. Two in 2010. And one (one was the same one from 2010) June 9th of this year. It was obvious from the emails that he did not meet these people though. One didn't answer back until the next day. We were on family vacation and had left town by then. Other sent him to some age verification website.
I set up a google voice account with a different number and texted him with it pretending to be "her". I told him that I was sorry that his fiancÚ found out but that I had been diagnosed with chlamydia and that he might need to get checked out. He called back and asked for her by name. Just the first name. Hot headed me gave myself away. I figured by him asking for her by name that he would tell me the rest. But no. He lied again! He said he made up the name because he didn't know why someone was texting him and figured that the person would say who they were if he just said that name. We argued and fought and he stuck to it. I continued researching and facebooked the first name of the person he said. One person stuck out. She was also related to the person of the number I had the info on. She also worked at a place that he frequented. I asked him about her, and he swore he knew no one by that name. Finally, I used the google voice and texted her acting like I was him. She fell for it hook,line, and sinker. I still wasn't sure of the last name and tried to get her address. That is when she realized it wasn't him because he knew her address. I called her, texted her every name in the book. Swore I would make her life hell. The whole nine yards. Then we ended up talking. She apologized to me for any part in what happened. Said it was only sex. That she didn't know about me or my daughter. THat once she found out, she called it off. That she had an ex husband that cheated and knows the pain. She wished she would of tried to work it out for her kids sake. Yada yada. When I confronted him, he still tried to lie. Saying she was making that stuff up because she was mad. I of course had threatened to kick him out throughout the course of all this at different time and he refused to go. Put his clothes in trash bags, etc. He finally came clean that night after hours of arguing and lying. He said she did know about me, just didn't care. I figured as much because during my talking to her, I revealed I knew her name, where she worked, where she lived. She was trying to protect herself from looking bad. She still doesn't know who I am. She knows the town I live in and she said I drove a dark car and that she did know my name but forgot it. I think I had her pretty much freaking out that I knew so much about her. He met her in July 2012 and they have been talking ever since. He would call her or she would call him 4/5 times a day. He even talked to her once for 75 minutes. It burns me up because if I ever called him, he was too busy and would hang up.
We didn't sleep in the same bed, he slept on the couch most nights because he said the bed was uncomfortable. We still had sex weekly though. Our "agreement" was twice a week. I know that sounds awful that we planned it but that is what happens sometimes when you work full time and have kids. The sex was always good IMO and he always seemed to desire me.
Apparently this woman was broke and needed money, so he would give her money in return for oral sex. He said it only happened a few times though. I feel like they probably had intercourse too. I think in his head he thinks oral is not cheating? And they had to have more of a relationship to have just that. With all the calling and talking and texting.
I have went through his phone bill with a fine tooth comb and he has reluctantly admitted all the different numbers were her. She had different cells/numbers at different times because her phone would get cut off or whatever.
There were three numbers though he could not explain. They were the numbers on his cell that he had text messaged. I put them in google as last resort and found they were numbers of escorts. One didn't answer back. THe other sent him to her website in which it asks for name and address and he didn't do it. You could not schedule with her without doing that. And the other I never found, so thinking that one didn't get sent, it was just saved on his phone.
It is just a great big mess. I want to work it out for our little girl. He said he wanted to work it out and will do anything I ask. Counseling or whatever it takes but he has slowly backed away from that. I have an appointment with a counselor set up next week.
He admitted he has a problem with porn and I think he was kind of admitting to being a sex addict without actually saying it. He wants to sweep it under the rug though and I can't let it go. Our relationship hasn't been good for a really long time. For other reasons. I had become distant myself. I always thought if I caught him cheating that it would be the dealbreaker but when it came down to it and realizing my little girl wasn't going to have her family anymore, I changed. I do want to make it work, but only if he puts in the effort and it can be BETTER than what it was before. I am not sure if he is going to do that.
I do know that all activity has ceased because I check his cell everyday and our records. He has no access to a computer. He said he wants to delete all the old emails and start new and I could have his password. I don't know why, since I looked at them all.
I forgot to mention, he even contacted a Russian Mail Order Bride in 2005! I almost have to laugh at that, it is so ridiculous. Thanks for listening to me. If you made it this far, BLESS YOUR HEARTS!!!