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User Topic: kisa married to an independent woman?
Spelljean
♀ Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was responding to another thread and realized as I was writing, that there could have been a major issue with WH feeling the need to rescue women and me naturally being a very independent, low key type of woman.

Someone here said KISA is somehow related to co-dependency? Any insights into that would be appreciated.

Are independent women enablers for KISAs or just the opposite?

WH told me many months back that he has tried to "put me on a pedestal" but I never would give him the opportunity.


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I particularly fell into this with H long ago as he did sort of "rescue" me. I slowly, overtime gained independence. Then when he "failed" (his words not mine) to take care of me I became a cold-hearted bitch of an independent woman.

No, I just took care of US and business while he fell apart.

I go over this aspect a lot in my thoughts because the person he was chasing ... it was such another "save her" kind of situation - save her from her loser husband blah blah blah. He even said to ME how much SHE deserved better. It took ALL I had to not say "oh and that is you is it?" bwahahahaha.

I hope this is an issue HIS IC will uncover and work on with him or that I am just totally wrong but so far the pattern is still in his thoughts about other women, not even APs.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
Spelljean
♀ Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jennifer that is how I felt, that I was taking care of business while he was gone every chance he got.

I am trying to understand my own contribution here much more than his issues which I can't even begin to fix.

I wonder if I enable certain behaviors in mates. My first marriage was dysfunctional. I didn't think my current marriage was all that dysfunctional, he had his issues but he was there for me if I needed him.


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XWH told me at one point that OW needed him and that I was a strong woman. It really pissed me off - he knew I was strong, but that I also needed him in certain ways.

It messed me up and when I told a dear very close friend of the marriage that, she responded, "You HAD to be strong, he wouldn't step up."

Don't let him re-write your marital history. I wanted so badly to "fix" things that I was willing to take on any and all responsibility for his issues.

Sending strength and peace.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7739 | Registered: Aug 2005
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I particularly fell into this with H long ago as he did sort of "rescue" me. I slowly, overtime gained independence. Then when he "failed" (his words not mine) to take care of me I became a cold-hearted bitch of an independent woman.

No, I just took care of US and business while he fell apart.

I go over this aspect a lot in my thoughts because the person he was chasing ... it was such another "save her" kind of situation - save her from her loser husband blah blah blah. He even said to ME how much SHE deserved better. It took ALL I had to not say "oh and that is you is it?" bwahahahaha.

I hope this is an issue HIS IC will uncover and work on with him or that I am just totally wrong but so far the pattern is still in his thoughts about other women, not even APs.

Wow this sounds just like us

I came out of an abusive relationship and dated a little and then I met my WH. At the time I was looking for a job and he had one. Over time I found jobs and then further educated myself while going up the ladder. My WH kept losing jobs and I was becoming main breadwinner and him not managing well. I just took control and handled everything. I never made him feel bad as I loved him. When MOW came along she was a mess, also being abused by her BS. My WH felt sorry for her and ended up 'helping her'

my WH is the typical KISA. I told him that I am not and will never be a dumbsell in distress. and he best figure out whether he can love an independent woman or not.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 4:37 PM, August 9th (Friday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was taking care of business while he was gone every chance he got.

So was my WH. I wonder if this is typical of WS's.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
downunder
♀ Member
Member # 16631
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Google

No one can save you Hayley Rose

Brilliant article!




Posts: 609 | Registered: Oct 2007
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My mistake was thinking love = helping the one you love through hard times; doing so for each other. The fact that I was killing myself trying to take care of us and he RESENTED me for it... baffled me. Now I am just sad he is that insecure and hope he doesn't pass it on to our son. His prob. Not mine. I won't stop being me.

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm confident that is why my XWH sought out his A. I also think he married the OW because she fills that dependent, "rescue me," clingy role that he prefers. I was more like that when he met me as a teenager-- so desperate to find Mr. Right, live happily ever after, etc. Over time, that changed. I grew up, took care of business, and hoped that I had an equal partner in life, but I didn't. He remained a manchild who wanted a wifey who would look up to him adoringly and want to do everything that he wanted to do.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
RightTrack
♀ Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was very independent while he was fucking around. My WH is LEO and he was gone for all of our waking hours. I basically raised the kids myself. I took them on vacations, on the plane, did their homework with them, took them to sports,all without him. He was out "working".

Sexually, I get the big O easily. It doesn't take much, I always thought that this would be a plus for him BUT NO, he went for the MOW who told him her husband couldn't get her there. He spent HOURS with oral sex ("tedious" he says) to get her that O.

She made him feel needed in a way I never did.

Did I enable him? I guess so. I was willing to take the kids on much needed vacations by myself, thereby giving him all the time he needed to give MOW her orgasms. I didn't know I was enabling that though, I thought I was giving him time to devote to his job.


Posts: 629 | Registered: Sep 2012
ShockedErica11
♀ Member
Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

God, why does this sound like WH?!?!! Seriously?! He always says, "But you're such a STRONG woman." So much so that not I want to murder anyone that calls me that. It used to be such a nice compliment; now, I friggin' HATE it!!!

I mean, I'm such a strong woman that he let an ex-roommate chase me through OUR home and nearly put his hands on me because my 5'6", 135 lbs frame at the time could handle a 6'2" 300 lbs grown man, and what did he do? WH talked to him about his behavior, him and another roommate that we had at the time. Yes, I'm such a strong woman that every time in our relationship, I was breaking down and crying, he'd give me a hug and turn around a chat up OW. Or how about that time I went into the hospital for stress related GERD where stomach acid was eating my esophagus, but hey! I'm cool! I'm strong! I can handle it while he goes off and chats up OW. Or all the mornings I let him sleep in because my "cushy" desk job as a legal secretary, mother, full time student, and fiancee was NOTHING to his poor "overworked" waiter having ass. Or the nights I stayed up waiting for him to get home at 1 - 2 am in the morning when I knew our daughter would wake at ANY second and I was the one that primarily changed her, wrestled her to bed, fed her, etc, etc.

He hasn't processed his emotions or anything in terms of the OW, and only does so (mostly) when I prompt him, but DAMN if these comments don't sound like him.


Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh me!! ME!!!
WS started out helping me in a KISA situation (previous divorce). Although even then I was very strong, I did lean on him a lot.
As the years went by and I became even more independent, started school, the kids got older, I started working again...maybe he didn't feel as needed?
He is always saying how strong I am.
He is not strong. I was his strength. I was keeping the family together, he was running away.
He admits this.
He did seek out OW, but I think it was KISA for her in a way too. He found someone who would lean on him and not demand action (help) but just take what he had to give as something spectacular. Meaning, what little he had to give wasn't enough for my needs, but it was enough for hers. And she gave him enough attention-whereas I was actually trying to run our life-and he was not really helping.
So, can a KISA be married to an independent woman? Sure. But in my opinion, he will feel like a knight without a cause, and will find that cause somewhere else, with someone else.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 12

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