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User Topic: His NC letter to the OW
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Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Probably they think you wrote it because there are loads of exclamation points in the letter, which you also use in your posts.

The letter sounds like a blameshifting vent.

Get real. The OP is not to blame for what your husband did. HE is to blame. Maybe it is easier to focus on OW, and maybe you need that now. But. OW is just a symptom.

And if your husband wrote this letter, then he still has the disease.

Treat the disease.

Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
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Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ouch Kalliopeia,that is quite harsh, shatteredheart7 is here for support!

Also I don't think the other posters actually said anything I wasn't actually thinking (including Bobbi sue).

Very very gently I didn't actually read the whole letter. ETA: Just went back and read it

It is far too long and is a little... I'm not sure of the word? NOT your fault!

A NC letter is a really hard aspect of handling the fallout from dday. I never had one with Main ow and it made life a little difficult afterwards. The other one I spoke to myself.

I definitely, therefore recommend a NC letter. There are multiple issues with this one, and that's okay too! I think that you should send the stock one that other people do on SI. With a little twist of your own flavour. This would be a variation of what I would send from my own experience.


I (or we) am writing to inform you that all contact between our respective families will cease immediately. Any contact initiated by yourself will be documented, not replied to and if deemed neccessary police intervention will be sought.
Yours sincerely

ETA: HOWEVER maybe you could send the original along with it too? But please make him 'clean' up the original a bit, it's a bit all over the place (like my posts haha)

My PERSONAL opinion is that I don't buy into that the WH must write the letter and it must state he has made an awful choice etc. Keep it as formal as possible, because that scares people to no end, the point about it being an awful choice will be evident anyway.

So if it was me I would send both, fomal to scare the shit out of her and informal to let her know how he really feels... but get his to tidy the original up (understand it comes from real emotion and that we would all sound like that) but you need it to sound a little more adultish.

Please let me know if you need any further advice

p.s have done so many edits on posts today... not enough caffine!

[This message edited by lauren123 at 10:49 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]

OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
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Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Lauren.

I am kind of new to forums so I guess I should have said, please no 2x4's...or in this case, no 4x8's. And FTR, I have repeatedly said I didn't think I was going to send this letter, or any other, to her! I asked him to do this for me, so I could see in his own words, his own handwriting, how he felt about her.

I just want to say that until I posted this letter I loved coming here. Be it to post or just to read. I have spent a good part of my evening reading different threads and haven't felt that anyone has been attacked (sorry but that is how I feel tonight) like I was over this. I can take suggestions and I can understand where some people would not agree with this letter or have a different opinion on it than I do. However, to be called a liar I do not feel is fair to me. My name says it all, I am shattered and today feels like another DDay to me.

As for the people that do not think he owns his shit. Well, I have had an issue for the last couple of weeks with a fellow band parent. This man has treated me like crap for 2 weeks. I told my Dh I would handle it and so far I have. Until today. Today on top of the replies I got here I have had this man call me a lying controlling bitch all because he doesn't like that I do so much for the band and his wife doesn't get to because she works (and she is lazy, but that is beside the point). Tonight, he sent me an email that basically stated that I would end up pushing my Dh away again and that his A was my fault. I was pretty upset already, so that put me over the top. I forwarded it to Dh and told him I was done arguing with this guy, what he had said hit below the belt. He and his wife are part of the very few people that know about his A, they were I thought friends of ours. I opened up to her because she opened up to me about her H's A.My DH emailed him (he is at work so couldn't call him) and told him that he wanted to get a couple things straight with him. (1) He said that I am the sweetest, kindest most loving person he has ever known and (2) that I was in no way responsible for his A. That it was all his fault, he made a bad decision, he was stupid but it was never because of anything I did. And that he had better never again hear of him saying it was because of me.

So believe what you want...

Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
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Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately this will be my last post today because I am very far behind on work.

I think this may clear things up for people who couldn't understand.

I asked him to do this for me, so I could see in his own words, his own handwriting, how he felt about her.

Exactly how he felt about her, no wonder he wrote something like this. I think he was under the impression it wasn't going to be sent to her?

Makes a lot more sense I feel.

BTW if you feel that you are the only one that gets upset or feel attacked on forums, I have felt this way before too. But that's unfortunately the way of forums, I'll be honest though the good far outweighs the bad. You mustn't of read many posts because I got very angry at someone in another thread, and that person felt attacked.

Unfortunately it is the nature of the beast aka forums.
Sounds great about what he did for you today, sounds like he is owning his 'shit'. I find that instance to be a real indicator of hope

btw that band guy is a dickhead, what a C***

OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
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Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quite frankly I don't put too much into NC letters or calls to the op. My h supposedly made a NC call to the ow soon after I caught him in an a with our neighbor. Come to find out many months later, his no contact calls were just a way of getting around being able to talk to ow. Just my take on things

Posts: 2465 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 1:38 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry that your post was not suported like it should have been. I am sure that hearing this from your WH did bring you some degree of comfort for what you were put through because of his bad choices. No, it should not be sent to OW as it would give her a sense of power, but just hearing how he feels now about what he did is something you can work with. So many of us wish that our WS would just be able to express how they feel after the A. I do agree that he does need to take more time to work on not blameshifting to OW, but at least you do know he regrets what he did. Only you know how remorseful he is and how much he is trying to work through his issues. As said on here, take what is helpful to you and leave the rest. I hope he continues to work on his issues and that you and he can get to a place where you can trust he is healed and will never do this to you or himself again.

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
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Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What kind of support were you seeking?

You posted that this was an NC letter that your WH wrote and that you most likely weren't going to send it because you were worried about her trying to re-contact him. On SI there is a whole gamut of people that respond. Newbies and old-timers with a vast array of different experiences. Reconciled, limbo-ed, divorcing. Some with successful R's and others with lots of false R experience under their belts.

The one thing that all of us share -- is the desire to make sure that you aren't looking through the lenses of rose-colored glasses and that you are walking a path that will keep you as emotionally safe as possible. Why? Because getting 'tripped up' again sucks and no one wants to sit here and watch it happen. So what do we all do? We point out all of the potential pitfalls. Maybe it pertains to your situation and maybe it doesn't because it is impossible to convey all of the nuances of anyone's relationship in a single post...or even a series of posts. So you must always remember a couple of sayings: take what you want and leave the rest; AND if something makes you angry/upset, sit with it for a while because there MAY just be some truth to it.

It is advised that NC letters be as short and to the point as possible. "Don't contact me again." Why is that advised? Because of the exact reason that you didn't immediately send your WH's -- the possibility of *more* contact. The fewer words used, the less ambiguity there is. "No contact" is a pretty direct statement that leaves no room for argument. The more words used, the higher the chance that there is something in there that the AP will latch onto and argue or *drama* about.....which just means more brain damage added to an already damaged situation.

As an aside, my very first post on SI was an NC message that my stbx had sent to an OW that was completely pathetic and ridiculous. It ended with a question, for heaven's sake! Bobbi Sue also commented on my post -- she told me that I had 3 options: lump it, like it, or leave it (basically). And she was spot-on.

Now, as for the issue of your WH owning his shit. I trust and believe that you are confident that he is doing this. Again, YOU are the one that is dealing with him on a daily basis. *I* only go off of what you write and I read. And I also factor in my knowledge that the BS is typically very reluctant to remove those above-mentioned 'rose-colored' glasses and to cling very tightly to any 'sign' that life is soon going to return to *normal*. I still believe that your WH hasn't had the time to 'dig' deep enough into himself and all of the stuff that he wrote in that letter and that you have supplemented with is only scratching the surface. And again with my --> why? Because what will happen the next time that he's depressed or that he runs into a 'predator', etc.... It's great to identify the signposts that led down the path.....but ya need to figure out why you took Fork X instead of Fork Y, kwim? And just *saying* to yourself (well really, HIMself) that it definitely will NOT happen again is not the answer and is not a good solution. Perhaps he is heading in the right direction. Only time will tell. (There's a really good post about what I'm talking about in Wayward. It's by Uncertain One and it's called Dry Adultery)

And I really don't see where anyone outright accused you of writing that letter and trying to pass it off as his words. What pretty much everyone has said is that is *sounds like* it was written from a BS's viewpoint.

(oh, and if I were your friend IRL, I'd seek out your fellow band parent and tell him that he's a total dick. Because he is. And I give your WH a virtual *fist bump* for sticking up for you. )

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8088 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
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Default  Posted: 2:07 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi shatteredheart, this is not a 2x4, but I did want to add something that only one other person mentioned. I don't think this letter is much of a NC letter, I think it is more for you, he wrote everything in it that he knew you would want to hear. While reading the letter, I kept thinking how it is sometimes pleasant to hear nasty things about the OW from my WH, I liked to hear how he hated her at first, though he doesn't tell me that now, he simply says he hopes we will never her see again. I still sometimes wish that he would tell me that she is scum and honestly sometimes I indulge in asking leading questions because my low self-esteem wishes to hear how he now feels that I am better than she is. And I also know how I like to hear nice things about myself from WH because it helps me to know that he sees my worth and values me. So my opinion is that when you asked him to write a letter telling her what he thinks of her, he wrote it more for you knowing what you would like him to say. I don't say this is a bad thing, and he may truly feel all of it, but keep in mind that in the end the best thing for both of you to do is treat her like the scum she is and throw her out with the trash where she belongs and then forget, as best you can, that she is there. I am still learning to do this as well, I hope that we both succeed at it. Good luck.

[This message edited by inshockandhurt at 2:21 AM, August 11th (Sunday)]

Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."

Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 28
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