I didn't want to start feeling better and then get pushed down again into the dark tunnel.
This is my fear as well, Devastated. I want the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. And not in tiny pieces over the course of a year. As if the infidelity itself wasn't enough, then they bury us in lies and expect us to trust them.
I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. I know first-hand how miserable it is. As far as the love goes... I wish I could promise you it comes back. I warned my WH the other day that if he wanted to fix this he should act fast, before I decided I no longer want to. He seems to have come to his senses just in time. I hope yours isn't too late.
married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m
"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."
Is your WS seeing an IC? Isn't part of the process writing up a full disclosure? It is in my SAWH's therapy process.
If you can't trust him, I would ask him for a separation.
Rebuilding trust is a process, and this is only one part of it. Is he more successful with other things in your R or is he not doing any of the work? Do you think that he may be having a hard time talking to you face to face about the details? Maybe he can write them out for you. You can write down questions that he can answer. Maybe he can do that as opposed to looking you in the eye and telling you. My WH started laughing when we talked about details he was very uncomfortable with-you know the kind of inappropriate laughter people do at funerals and such. He was really pushed out of his comfort zone and was kinda freaking out there a bit. I didn't push for too many details (cause I don't want the nitty gritty) so he made it through but it was hard on both of us. People handle things in different ways(it's obvious WS don't handle things well or they wouldn't be WS.) Maybe there's a way you can help him give you what you need? Not "make it easy on him" but help him communicate better.
I still am waiting for another shoe to drop...and I am 11 months out. Each day that goes by is better...but I still feel there is more to this then I have been allowed to see.
It is becoming clear that my wife was very skilled at keeping secrets...or maybe better stated...very learned in how NOT to make herself vulnerable (available to me or anyone else) coming from her FOO issues (father an alcoholic, divorce when she was young, and then basically no father after that).
What has changed for me over the past 11 months is that I no longer have the feelings that my wife did this to ME...and that helps. The fact that both the affair and trickle truthing took place is still very painful.
But, when I more fully see where my wife started from...her relationship foundation set by her parents...I really do get that my wifes affair was not about ME...it is about HER.
Now....do I have what it takes to stick this out to see if she can modify herself in healthy ways to counteract decades of how she operated? I think this is a question all us BS ask...and it is tough to answer.
Things WS do AFTER the affair make this easier to answer. If the lying continues...the answer becomes NO. If honesty is chosen the answer is YES.
I know it is not that simple...but hopefully you see what I mean. How many times do people post on here it was not the affair itself that caused me to seek a divorce...it is what happened after the affair that made D the option for me.
I see that now...WS certainly become acutely aware of their coping mechanisms and how unhealthy they are after the affair is exposed. Before the affair I really don't think my wife knew she was risking what she was risking by coping as she coped.
Now, ignorance is gone. The next step is to see if our WS have the courage to change.
I pray for every couple wrestling with this that their WS change. If they don't, not only will their current marriage end, they really have no hope for a healthy one anytime in the future....and they will wind up hurting another person.
God be with us all.
note: I have things to change too...so not putting all the work on the WS here...but certainly immediately following DD the WS has a mountain of repair work to tend to...radical honesty is mandatory.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:45 PM, August 9th (Friday)]
How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not to. By Janis Spring is, in my opinion, the best book on this topic. It has helped me forgive myself in healthy ways...and has the potential to help me forgive my wife.
Might read it.
God be with you.
My advice keep pushing until you have everything you need to heal. Don't accept less then that. Trust me 2 years later finding out more TT still takes you right back to dday. And the whole healing process begins all over again. And the lies and deceit (for me) have been harder to get through then the actual acts of the A. Knowing he lied for 3 years is making it seem impossible to fully heal and ever trust again. But then again since last TT (and possibly the biggest) just came a month ago, i'm still fresh...again, in this. Hang in there and don't give in, until you are satisfied with his answers or are ready to walk away.
It's just a matter of time.
For me, that is.
I know he isn't being completely truthful. He will tell me the minimum necessary, but other details will surface...and then he'll lie about them.
I am building a wall around my heart...when it comes, I hope this wall will protect the wounded love I'm trying to nurture back to health.
I need the whole ugly truth before I can start to heal, but he's too selfish. I will pay the price.