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User Topic: Secret Email Account
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Stop  Posted: 5:45 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things are going well between H and I. I guess you could say we are getting on with things. He still doesn't talk about the A but appears to be happy and it would seem there has been much forgiveness on his side.

I have reconciled with the fact that he has dealt with this internally and am fairly confident he will discuss it with me when the time is right for him. As of now, our life has been pretty chaotic and stressful with moving to a different country, travelling and settling kids etc. Throughout all this, we've been working well as a team. We've communicated well and have made sound logical decisions together. Very little arguments or disagreements, and even when there is a conflict I have gotten much better at dealing with them maturely and assertively. So, all in all, things are fine.

Thank-god the intense emotional roller-coaster has stopped. I would say we are coasting right now. Still not much emotional intimacy but I know this will take time for him. He's not going to let me in until he feels safe again. For now, I am being patient and feel optimistic about our future. I'm sure it helps that the transparency is there 100% without him having to ask for it.

Things are good. Got a long way to go but definitely on the right track.

In the meantime, I'm trying to work on myself. I haven't had as much time to read/post on SI as id like, but many posts that I read brings up a lot for me. There was one particular post about the different stages of personal recovery. Ranging from being repulsed by the thought of ever having another affair, to knowing it was wrong and never wanting to ever have another affair again and lastly, applying all given willpower and mindfulness to avoid ever having another affair again. But this is something I'd like to dedicate more time to in another post.

For now, my most pressing issue is my secret email account. It's been on my mind for weeks but every time it surfaces I push it back down again. I'm avoiding the issue. It's there in cyberspace and it contains thousands of emails in it. I have not logged onto it since mid Feb which is 6 months ago.

Shortly after D-day I used it as a crutch, I would read and read trying to confirm to myself it wasn't all in my head. Those things did really happen. Anyway, I since learnt it was pointless to read them and didn't log on again.

But what do I do now? I'm literally scared to log on and delete the account. It's almost as though I'm scared that I will start reading them again and I'm petrified as to how it will make me feel.

Shall I just ignore it? Does the account need to be deleted? Why don't I trust myself enough to just log on and press "delete account"?

Our A was mainly via this email account. It chronicles the whole A from start to finish. If my H ever asks for a timeline this would be one of the only ways to get it for him.

I want to carry on avoiding this matter but it keeps creeping into my mind and I need some counsel please.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So are you saying that your BH doesn't know about it?

If so, why not.

My best advice is to open it up with him and delete it.

Sooner as opposed to later.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So are you saying that your BH doesn't know about it?
If so, why not.

He doesn't want to know about it. He has categorically requested to not know any details of the A.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh. ok.

Well what about going to him, telling him that you want to delete it, and asking him to be there, when you delete the account?
He won't have to read them.
And it won't haunt you anymore.

I could see it being dangerous to have around. Bad day, read a few...never know where you'll wind up.

I can understand not wanting to do it by yourself, ask for his support.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm worried it will trigger him when things are going relatively well.

I feel this is my shit to sort out and don't want to burden him.

What I'm really wondering is why is this such an issue for me? Surely if I've reached a state of indifference (which I believe I have) then it should be fairly easy for me to do right?


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure it helps that the transparency is there 100% without him having to ask for it.

Ummm, no. Not 100% by any means if...

For now, my most pressing issue is my secret email account

Complete contradiction here. Whether he wants to know details or not, he should know that this account exists. This is not a decision to make for him because you are worried it will trigger him. This is a lie of omission. You may feel you are protecting him, however the person you are really protecting is yourself.

Give him the information. Let him make the decision for himself what he wants to do with it. He deserves that.

As for why it's such a big issue for you? Because deep down you know it's wrong. And based by some of your recent posts, I don't feel you have reached indifference. There is something you are still holding onto. Otherwise why would you not have told him about it 6 months ago? Why didn't you delete then?

Be honest. Not just with him, but yourself.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 694 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm worried it will trigger him when things are going relatively well.
I feel this is my shit to sort out and don't want to burden him.

So I just asked my BS if we were in your situation how would he feel about this.

He said it would be "trust building", and good for him to see that I wanted to leave that part of my life behind.

It may trigger him. But I think it would be, in the long run, a great thing to do.


What I'm really wondering is why is this such an issue for me? Surely if I've reached a state of indifference (which I believe I have) then it should be fairly easy for me to do right?


Are you hanging on to it for safe keeping, or are you really afraid to open and delete by yourself?

I would be afraid to do it by myself, even in a state of indifference.
I am an addict, I wouldn't go to a using addicts house, to help them, by myself.
I would not put myself in that situation.... just in case.

If he really doesn't want to be involved, you could tell him you are going to do it, and get a friend, sister, IC, whoever, to be with you when you delete it.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can I give information to someone who has asked not to know? Do I force it on him when none of this is his fault?

Do I make his life harder by getting him to see emails from his wife to another man declaring her undying love, when he doesn't WANT to see them.

Whatever the reason might be, rugsweeping, avoidance, denial, whatever you want to call it. Why should I shove something in his face when he doesn't want to see it?

Is that fair?


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why should I shove something in his face when he doesn't want to see it?

Is that fair?

He doesn't have to read them.

NONE of this is fair. We left fair behind when we strayed.


Why didn't you delete then?

Good question....


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't delete after D-day as I was heavily in the fog and still using them as some kind of contact.

I stopped logging on to prove to myself I can maintain NC and I did/have. I guess I wanted to know I could avoid logging on because of willpower not just because they weren't there any more and I couldn't. I don't really know. Wanted to know I had some self-discipline and strength.

I cannot involve my H in this matter. I need to man up and deal with this myself. He's going through his own recovery and doesn't need to see things he's asked not to see. I have to respect his wishes.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It may trigger him. But I think it would be, in the long run, a great thing to do.

I can't help but think, knowing my H and the way he is, he would much rather I don't dramatise the whole thing and just do it. He already thinks I'm a drama queen as it is. He will resent me for involving him in this matter and for not being capable enough to get "rid of the evidence" so he can rugsweep further.

That's just how I feel.

Are you hanging on to it for safe keeping, or are you really afraid to open and delete by yourself?

More the latter but a tiny bit of the former.

I would be afraid to do it by myself, even in a state of indifference.
I am an addict, I wouldn't go to a using addicts house, to help them, by myself.
I would not put myself in that situation.... just in case.

I have addict tendencies and what you say here is why I'm worried to log on, hence, it's been easier to just avoid it and not go there.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
TimeToManUp
♂ Member
Member # 37538
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I don't want to say something to upset him/her when things are going well."

I can't even estimate how much I said that, even up until very recently. Really look inside yourself on this one... Do you really want to keep him from feeling upset, or do you not want to deal with the fallout from him getting upset. I'm sure you've heard that before on here.

One of the big steps forward in our attempts at R has been me taking the chance of "ruining" a good day/week/event and asking TCD how she's feeling. Sometimes it does bring the mood down, or even derail a "hot streak" we've been on. But probably better than half the time she says "fine." And I can't know this for sure, but I'd bet that most of the times she says "fine" that she is anything BUT fine, but SHE doesn't want to keep bringing things down, so she internalizes, processes and works through it, knowing that if she needs me I'm there. Just the fact that I took the chance and asked helps reassure her that I'm there if she needs me and it maybe gives her some extra strength to work through it and not let my choices totally control our lives.

So anyway, I would tell him about it and let him know that you want to delete it. Let him know that if he wants to be there, it's OK. You could also present him with the username and password, and allow him to change the account information so that you can no longer get into it. He will then have the ability to read them if he wishes, and delete the account if he wishes as well. Additionally, you will no longer be compelled to read them, knowing that you can't, AND you will get the weight of this secret account off of your conscience.

I know this is all hard, and scary as hell. And honestly, the me from a year ago wouldn't have followed my advice... But the me from a year ago was kicked out of the house and nearly divorced, so... Y'know. Good luck to you.

I apologize for any repeated words or run-on sentences... Typing on an iPhone.


I know we're worth it.
WH (Me-33)
BW (tattoodchinadoll-31)
D-Day: 12/22/11
Together 15 years, married for 10.
Three daughters, 8, 4 and 2.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: New Jersey
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am an addict, I wouldn't go to a using addicts house, to help them, by myself.
I would not put myself in that situation.... just in case
.

Does this mean that from now on you have to be conscious and mindful of all situations you out yourself in? Do you think an addict ever reaches the stage of feeling perfectly safe in an environment with their drug of choice?

Is it possible or is it always going to be there?


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanted to know I had some self-discipline and strength.

Why not the strength to delete it?

I can totally equate this to addict thinking, too.

I don't want to get high.
I'm not going to get high.
BUT I'm going to keep my dealer's number.
You know, just in case she calls...then I know who it is.
(It's been seven years since I called my dealer, I'm just now beginning to forget her number)

WHY keep it at all? It strikes me as a reservation.

I cannot involve my H in this matter. I need to man up and deal with this myself. He's going through his own recovery and doesn't need to see things he's asked not to see. I have to respect his wishes.

OK.

I just think it would be a good thing to share. "Someone is coming over and we're going to delete my secret email acct."
2 seconds.
Builds trust.
Just my opinion.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You could also present him with the username and password

We both know that if he reads those emails there's no going back. He has stated that he can never undo what he knows and will not be able to continue with the marriage if he sees certain things.

This is self-preservation on both sides. He wants to stay married as do I and if that means not knowing certain things then as far as he see it, so be it.

Maybe I should have opened this thread up to BS's as BH's perspective may have been useful?


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does this mean that from now on you have to be conscious and mindful of all situations you out yourself in? Do you think an addict ever reaches the stage of feeling perfectly safe in an environment with their drug of choice?

Is it possible or is it always going to be there?

Always.

Always.

Always.

Our fellowship buried FIVE people in our area in the last two months. FIVE. Only one died clean.

It never goes away.

We can't do it alone. Without vigilance, support from others, self honesty it's damn near impossible.



FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to get high.
I'm not going to get high.
BUT I'm going to keep my dealer's number.
You know, just in case she calls...then I know who it is.

Justifying. Rationalising. Back-up planning. Cake eating. Saving for a rainy day-ing.

Yup. I identify unfortunately.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It never goes away.

Do you think this applies to affairs too? Especially if you saw the AP as an addiction?

That frightens the hell out of me.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't have to force him to read the emails. You should, however give him the opportunity to make that decision on his own. He should be given the respect to know its there and then decide together how to handle it.

He will resent me for involving him in this matter and for not being capable enough to get "rid of the evidence" so he can rugsweep further.

Well this is a lot of projecting on your part. Why are you not allowing him to make decisions for himself? All you have to say is "I want you to know that I have an email account that you have been unaware of. I used it for my A. I would like to get rid of it. But I wanted you to know before I deleted it. Would you like me to do it on my own or would you like to be a part of that?" Then he can take the next step. Tell you to take care of it or be a part of it. But that will be him making that decision for himself. Not you deciding for him what he does or does not want or need to know. Telling him will be the respectful thing to do.

. I guess I wanted to know I could avoid logging on because of willpower not just because they weren't there any more and I couldn't. I don't really know

Why does it have to be through pure willpower? Why not get rid of it because you love your husband and just no longer want anything to do with the AP?

Justifying. Rationalising. Back-up planning. Cake eating. Saving for a rainy day-ing.

Yup. I identify unfortunately.

And that's exactly why I said you haven't reached indifference. You are using his wish to not know the details as an excuse. He can know about the account without ever having to read a single detail and you know that.

It's your own fear that is stopping you. Fear of making him mad. Fear of letting go of the AP. Fear exposing who you have been. The only way to heal yourself is to face those fears. Head. On.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 694 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying,

He doesn't have to do this with you, or even read them. But telling him about it and giving him the option of what to do I think is the best choice. Leave it in his hands. He may just tell you to do this on your own and he wants nothing to do with it. Then you have at least told him, been honest and given him the option of what to do.

Is there anyone else close to you that knows what you did?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4966 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
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