Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: whatdoido21 (45321)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Secret Email Account
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's your own fear that is stopping you. Fear of making him mad. Fear of letting go of the AP. Fear exposing who you have been. The only way to heal yourself is to face those fears. Head. On.

Yes. Fear that he'll leave me once he sees in black n white what a whore I can be.
Fear that once the account is gone I am accepting that it was all one big lie and mistake and none of it was remotely real.
Fear that I can invest that much time in a person for it to end in ashes. What kind of a person does that make me?

How do I start facing these fears? Through IC? How else?

Is there anyone else close to you that knows what you did?

Yup. My sister and my best friend but they both live in different countries. I can give them the account details and ask them to delete it for me and that has crossed my mind previously. Fact of the matter is I'm too ashamed to let them read the intensity of our relationship, even though I trust them both explicitly.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW, I don't think the AP is an addiction. It's what you get from the A that may be. There is a difference.

For example, I like cake. A lot. Have a hard time saying no to it. But it's not the cake that's the problem. It's the feeling I get when I eat it. The moment of euphoria as I relish each bite. It makes me feel good...just for that moment. But unless I don't mind weighing over 300 lbs, I have to find a way to make myself feel good without cake. It's not cake's fault. It's me. I've had to learn how to deal with my emotions without stuffing food on top of them.

So when you are looking to call AP an addiction, explore what those feelings were that you got from your A. What was the pay off?


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 731 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My thought was if your H does not want to be involved with you deleting it maybe you could have a trusted friend or family member be with you while you delete it. Help you be strong and not read them and just delete the account.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5056 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So when you are looking to call AP an addiction, explore what those feelings were that you got from your A. What was the pay off?

Well, it was like any contact was like a "hit". Made me feel intoxicated, happy, filled but it would wear off quickly and the next "hit" needed to be bigger, better, riskier, more exciting, new etc.

When the hit didn't come I would get irritable, edgy, distracted, consumed with when it will come. This is exactly how it felt.

The hit made me feel wanted, desired, special, important, thought of. The absence of the hit made me feel all the opposite. It was crazy shit. I became a complete nutcase, it was awful. It seriously felt like I was on drugs.

Is that what you mean?

My thought was if your H does not want to be involved with you deleting it maybe you could have a trusted friend or family member be with you while you delete it. Help you be strong and not read them and just delete the account.

My sister lives in another country. I've thought about asking her to delete it for me and I can give her the login details. Part of me doesn't want to let go of it and I don't know why as I have absolutely no intention or desire to ever contact AP again, but it's the right thing to do and it's got a hold on me.

I will call her tonight and ask her if she'll do it. I'm embarrassed she'll read them and judge me, but I love and trust her and I think if I ask her not to she won't.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're funny,

Your H says he doesn't want to know details of your affair....

That's NOT the same thing as keeping a secret email so you could pine away for your adultery partner...

You're still a liar and don't want to take responsibility for your continued lies.

It's time to put your big girl pants on and come clean, ask him to delete it with you and get it into the past.

This is not that complicated.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^Ding. Ding. Ding. Card nailed it.

Trying...

You are not being open and honest with your husband. You're also still trying to control the situation with "What ifs" and projections. Give up the control. Affairs are designed to end marriages. We take that chance when we step out. We have to face the consequences. That's all part of the growing up process.

"Mr. Trying, you know that email account I had? It needs to disappear. I'm going to delete it. Would you like to be there with me when I do it, or do you want me to do it alone? I can also have a trusted friend be with me when I do it. You are important to me and I want you to be a part of this decision"

And why the crap would your friend read the messages? You're there to delete the account. Not reminisce. Sign in, go to the upper left or right hand corner, click settings, hit delete, enter your password about 2 or 3 times, and you're done. It's not that hard.

Bam. Done.

Trying, you have got to get this crap out of your life. Take it from someone who has held onto things I should have let go of. You have no idea how heavy the weight is till you let it go. Then it's like, "Wow! That was worse than I thought!" Let it go.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 8:54 AM, August 10th (Saturday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6290 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Mr. Trying, you know that email account I had? It needs to disappear. I'm going to delete it. Would you like to be there with me when I do it, or do you want me to do it alone? I can also have a trusted friend be with me when I do it. You are important to me and I want you to be a part of this decision"

OK, I see what a lot of you are saying. Make him part of the process. What I don't understand is why make him decide on something that's a no-brainer? It's a no-brainer to delete the account. Why does he have to know about it and deal with it? He's told me to end it and move on and do what I need to do in order to do that. Why must I tell him about it and drag the whole thing out with HIM? Why don't I just call my sister tonight and tell her to delete it and she can do it there and then over the phone?


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because you're involving him.
Opening up, being honest.
Tackling it as a team.
We not I.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What kind of a person does that make me?

A person with really shitty coping mechanisms. Unless you work that crap out, it will keep coming back in some way shape or form. Doesn't have to be another A. But it doesn't go away.

IC is a great place to start. Lots of it. Journaling your feelings, your past behaviors.

But the first step is honesty. With yourself. With your husband.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 731 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
EmotionalFool
♀ Member
Member # 37362
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why does he have to know about it and deal with it?

I get a feeling that you are not so surea about him not wanting to know. You fear that if you tell him about this, he would want to read and that is something you are not prepared for. Thats why you want to avoid involving him.

I might be wrong.


WW: 28 (ME)
BH: 28 (SI profile: CrappyLife)
D-Day- 15/10/12

Posts: 334 | Registered: Nov 2012
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I don't understand is why make him decide on something that's a no-brainer? It's a no-brainer to delete the account. Why does he have to know about it and deal with it? He's told me to end it and move on and do what I need to do in order to do that. Why must I tell him about it and drag the whole thing out with HIM?

Because you weren't honest from the get-go. You didn't tell him on Dday about the account. You hid it. Whether he would want to read it or not, you have been hiding this. That's not R Trying. That's lying and potential TT.

Why don't I just call my sister tonight and tell her to delete it and she can do it there and then over the phone?
Because you aren't reconciling with your sister. You're reconciling with your husband.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6290 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just feel like I've caused enough of a shit-storm in his life and he doesn't deserve it. I know this is common to say but I really want to limit any further hurt.

I really don't know if I'm rationalising here and I'm sorry for all those of you who are trying to help me and feel like you're hitting your head against a brick wall, but I always thought tt was when a BS was directly asking you for the truth and you don't give it.

I am 99% sure my BH would rather I just delete the effing account and leave him be.

I do understand that this is controlling behaviour but what good would it do to do this together? Will it make us closer? It will show honesty? Or it may show, "hey by the way this is what I was doing all that time I was supposed to be concentrating on us and our family.. in your face buddy"

I feel like I would be purposely humiliating him.

What I do get for sure is he must at least know I've deleted it. He must know it existed and now it doesn't.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For example, I like cake. A lot. Have a hard time saying no to it. But it's not the cake that's the problem. It's the feeling I get when I eat it. The moment of euphoria as I relish each bite. It makes me feel good...just for that moment. But unless I don't mind weighing over 300 lbs, I have to find a way to make myself feel good without cake. It's not cake's fault. It's me. I've had to learn how to deal with my emotions without stuffing food on top of them.

I couldn't have said this better myself.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 40 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 487 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just feel like I've caused enough of a shit-storm in his life and he doesn't deserve it. I know this is common to say but I really want to limit any further hurt.
You're right. He doesn't deserve it. You created the storm and now you have to weather it. That's where the big girl panties come in. Pull them up, lets go.

I always thought tt was when a BS was directly asking you for the truth and you don't give it.
Tomato, tomahto. It's also conveniently leaving out details so that your BH won't know to ask about. I left a detail out. Almost 2 years out and I left one out. He read it in my timeline. That was a TT. I knew the truth, I didn't tell him. I lied. It was wrong.

I am 99% sure my BH would rather I just delete the effing account and leave him be.
You'd be surprised how powerful that 1% is.

I do understand that this is controlling behaviour but what good would it do to do this together? Will it make us closer? It will show honesty? Or it may show, "hey by the way this is what I was doing all that time I was supposed to be concentrating on us and our family.. in your face buddy"
Cripes. Think about it. If you'd told him in the beginning, you wouldn't be flipping out about it now. Your choices led to this. You made the deliberate choice to NOT tell him about your email account. These are the consequences.

What I do get for sure is he must at least know I've deleted it. He must know it existed and now it doesn't.
Cool. So you're going to make that choice for him? "Oh BTW Babe, I know I'm supposed to be all honest and forthcoming, but I deleted a secret email account with thousands if emails in it. If you wanted to read it, ya can't now sucka. Sorry about that. But hey, we can focus on the here and now right?"

Stop making choices for him.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 9:39 AM, August 10th (Saturday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6290 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cool. So you're going to make that choice for him? "Oh BTW Babe, I know I'm supposed to be all honest and forthcoming, but I deleted a secret email account with thousands if emails in it. If you wanted to read it, ya can't now sucka. Sorry about that. But hey, we can focus on the here and now right?"

Maybe he'll be relieved it's gone and he doesn't have to "deal" with it? Let's remember he's a major conflict avoider.

Maybe he'll be angry that I put him in a position where he has to make a decision about reading the emails or not when really there was no need for the drama?

I think there is slight patterns of this dynamic between us. He often says he wishes I could deal with things without overly emotionally involving him. I'm not using this as an excuse but I've somewhat become conditioned to not bothering him with stuff that's too emotionally taxing (that would probably explain the emotional disconnect eh)

Do you see my point? I see yours but I'm kinda thinking I have a point too.

I really don't mean to be tedious and difficult. Just trying to understand.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just feel like I've caused enough of a shit-storm in his life and he doesn't deserve it.

I have used this justification before. And that's all it is...justification. I told myself that HT had been hurt enough. What he didn't know would not hurt him. But that was a lie. The truth of the matter was that I was desperately afraid that if he knew the truth he was certain to leave. Him leaving meant that I would be left alone. I was willing to hold back truth to keep that from happening. By doing that, I came dangerously close to losing him. He was looking up D lawyers and had a plan in place.

So yes, he didn't deserve the shit storm I had provided. But he did deserve to make an educated decision regarding his own life. That was not mine to decide for him.

You are making decisions for your husband. He is not a child. He is an adult and should be provided the respect to make his own decisions. What's more humiliating than knowing the truth is thinking you know what is going on in your life and then finding out you were wrong. And to throw the cherry on top? Finding out that others knew how wrong you were. Your sister, your friend, the SI community all know the truth, yet he was left in the dark.

Why not give him the benefit of the doubt?


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 731 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread highlights to me how H and I haven't even scratched the surface of our R yet.

We been busy fire fighting. I take his lack of forthcoming emotional sharing as him needing time to heal and trust again.

I take my omissions as a way to protect and shelter him from further hurt.

There's still so much work to be done. I started this thread optimistic about us and now I feel overwhelmed.

I know it takes time.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe he'll be relieved it's gone and he doesn't have to "deal" with it? Let's remember he's a major conflict avoider


Maybe he'll be angry that I put him in a position where he has to make a decision about reading the emails or not when really there was no need for the drama?


That's a lot of 'maybe's' and zero 'for sure'sies'.

I thought 'maybe' my husband drinks so much because he can't stand to be around me sober.

I thought 'maybe' he would choose bourbon over me.

I thought 'maybe' I should move on before he up and leaves me.

Every 'maybe' I thought was dead wrong. Unless you are getting information directly from him, don't assume.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 731 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One question;

How long do you intend to keep lying to yourself?

The longer you do this the longer your reconciliation will be.

Your posts are full of assumptions.It is this kind of thinking that helped you have your affair.

Your fear is really about not wanting to believe who you are and what you did. Because until you reconcile this within yourself, you are still that person .

You have to face all of this.
You have to face all those ugly truths.
Then you have to let them go.
You have to rebuild a new Trying33 and keep the old one under control.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2532 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:08 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 509 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 68
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.