Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Hopeful30 (44618)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Secret Email Account
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry...just noticed the stop sign!!1


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 500 | Registered: Aug 2012
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just feel like I've caused enough of a shit-storm in his life and he doesn't deserve it. I know this is common to say but I really want to limit any further hurt.

I do not, and never will, understand how knowledge equates to hurt in some minds. If I had no pain receptors and had no idea my hand was on a hot burner would someone telling me that cause the searing flesh or would it just alert me so I could avoid any further injury.

Hearing painful truths hurts. It's also necessary for survival, in some cases.

I had a friend that found out she was adopted. She found out when she was damn near an adult because of a health issue. It seriously derailed her. I found out I was and was overjoyed but that was an entirely different deal. She felt betrayed and to this day (she's 38) it causes pain.

Point it, it was true. Every day that pretty critical fact of her life was kept from her via a conspiracy by the two people she loved and trusted most in life.

It's not just that he doesn't deserve that but you don't deserve that. You are not entitled to safety from exposure the responses your actions may generate. It's honestly an entitled thought process made even more twisted because you're doing it "for him".

You start facing these fear by, well, facing them. It's interesting to see you stating he's a conflict avoider as you're posting about avoiding conflict yourself.

So you love and trust your sister not to read your email but you don't trust your husband to let him know this account even exists.

How about trust yourself? Trust yourself that you can handle anything that happens and let go of controling that. All this back and forth when you could just go to him and tell him it exists.

I'm kind of confused. If he said end it and do what you need to do to end it why all the gyrations with your sister and friend and partridge in a pear tree. It's not difficult, honestly. Tell him. Delete the account. Move forward by working on your processes. If he wants to read it he can if not he won't. Point is he'll have the information he needs if he chooses to use it. Not you choosing whether he should or not. Unilateral choices do not belong in relationships. I can't believe how many make those daily but they are flash bangs that weaken, erode and eventually destroy.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry if I missed reading it but has anyone asked "what if there are any NEW messages from your AP lighting up your inbox?"

Suggesting you login with your spouse and delete to a "clean" and completely empty state. Then spouse changes PW and only he knows it. Then it mothballs.

As an aside, do you have other things you are withholding?

Good, but scary, read.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
DeMinxed
♀ New Member
Member # 40256
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know exactly what you're going through. I deactivated my secret email account probably 10 different times. But then I would turn right back around and reactivate it. Like, after I'd delete the account I would feel a sense of panic or fear/anxiety. My mind would say things like "what if he tries to tell me he still loves me and will leave his family?" Or "what if he needs to tell me something urgent and needs me and I'm not there?". For me, deleting my account PERMANENTLY was the only closure that would help me move forward. TBQH this is only the 2nd day for me since I've deleted my account. It's been so hard not to reactivate it but I know if I do there's just no going back. I keep telling myself over and over in my head "will it be easy? No. Will it be worth it? Yes!" And that's gotten me through the last 2 days. I just hope you can find strength and will to go into your email account and deactivate and stay deactivated.

Also, some email carriers (Hotmail I know for sure) automatically delete the account after 6 months of inactivity. So the problem may have resolved itself if in fact you haven't logged in since 6 months ago. Good luck and I wish you the best.


Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2013
3xloser
♂ Member
Member # 34735
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think if you don't close it you have to ask yourself why not. Sounds to me like you want to keep the door open.

Posts: 134 | Registered: Feb 2012
grapefruit
♀ Member
Member # 27090
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS Only.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:08 AM, August 11th (Sunday)]


FWW / BS (me)
FWH / BS (him)
In R ...

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2010
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've taken some time to think about all of this and it's multi faceted as one would expect.

As a lot of you have pointed out, it's not rocket science. Log on, press deactivate, delete the account and that's it, move on. In theory, it's a super easy thing to do. For some reason, in practice, I'm fearful and anxious of doing this for so many reasons.

If I'm to be brutally honest, I think it's a lot to do with accepting and admitting that I was wrong about AP. He wasn't a good guy. He wasn't an answer to my problems. He was a liar and a POS. It wasn't the perfect romance. I am a cheater and a liar. I am a betrayer. I did risk so much for nothing. I am a bad judge of character. And the list goes on.

I know many of you right now will be thinking, she's so self obsessed, not one mention of her H in all this. I don't mean to sound flippant towards his hurt and pain as I know it is there even if he doesn't show it.

I can honestly swear even if I did log on and there was a message from him I wouldn't respond. I'm done with that part of my life. My H and kids are my utmost priority now and I won't do anything to screw with that ever again.

Sometimes I look back and think how could I have done what I did. I'm really not that stupid but my past behaviour would indicate the contrary.

Thanks for all your thoughts and opinions, they really do help.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He wasn't a good guy.

I want to take this one step further. wayward 301.

Maybe he is a decent guy. Who fucked up. Just like many of us.

Does it matter?

No good relationship is founded on lies.

I think you are hiding your own fear of confrontation behind your BH's fear of confrontation. You don't wanna rock the boat. Give the man a little credit. He already knows what you did. Are you that scared he is going to be angry/leave you / whatever because you voluntarily tell him u are deleting the account?

Maybe you are afraid he may actually want to read the emails.

My BH didn't want details, so I get that. To some extent I had to push things to avoid rugsweeping, which was more for me initially. But I believe it helped us.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1971 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 1:38 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you that scared he is going to be angry/leave you / whatever because you voluntarily tell him u are deleting the account?

YES. And I'm scared even more that he'll hate/resent me more for reminding him of it when he's doing his best to forget about it.

I know by definition this is lying and I'm making decisions for him.

I need to build up the courage. Guess what I'm realising, almost like a lightbulb moment, is I'm rugsweeping as much as he is


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to build up the courage. Guess what I'm realising, almost like a lightbulb moment, is I'm rugsweeping as much as he is

Gently trying,

you cannot rebuild your marriage like this. I know, I tried, for 18 yrs. It changes who you are. The only thing YOU can do is be authentic, be honest. If he chooses to rugsweep that is his choice, you do not have to go along with it. You can make honest, authentic choices for YOUR life. Please be honest with him about this account.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4712 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YES. And I'm scared even more that he'll hate/resent me more for reminding him of it when he's doing his best to forget about it.

I bet you a bizzillion dollars he thinks about it every day. It never goes away.

But seriously, if you just can't tell him, then just delete the damn account. But no peeking at those emails. I know you wanna peek.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1971 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Conflict avoidance causes more conflict.
I know you are afraid to face this. Our fears become formidable if we don't face them.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2481 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have the courage. Do it today, just get it done with. Respect BH's wishes not to know about it. Maybe you can print out and save the cancellation screen. That way if he ever asks about it, you can show it to him. Better to do it sooner than later, lest he think you continued carrying on all this time...if that day ever comes that he asks for proof.

I hated for my BH to read the emails not only because it would obviously hurt him, but because I was embarrassed at what I silly fool I'd acted. It wasn't pretty, but had it been longer-term or had I used the L word, I think our R would've been tougher. You can't unring that bell. I told BH--and my emails backed up--that I wasn't interested in falling in love, and I was never leaving my family. (Yes, I know, delusional much?)

I hope tomorrow we'll have an update from you "I did it." You can.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1093 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is probably one time where my need for external validation is coming in useful..

Felt a need to report back to my SI friends with positive news..

IT'S FUCKING GONE.
GOOD RIDDANCE.
FUCK YOU AP.

There were 5176 emails. No new ones. My sister did it just now.. Not sure how I'm feeling but glad I was able to take some control.

SI really has been such a support for me. Thank-you everyone.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bravo! And since we're at it, I'd like to shout out a sincere fuck you to my xAP to start off my day right.

Congrats. Hope you feel a weight off.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Cool  Posted: 8:59 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTG T33!

One more weight lifted and cast off.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1093 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Job Trying.

One step forward.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6130 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop sign!!

I'm so sorry!!!

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:21 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]


If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems. - Joyce Meyer

Posts: 16860 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
BostonGirl
♀ Member
Member # 33930
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:56 AM, August 16th (Friday)]


It'll all be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end.

Posts: 133 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Boston
Topic Posts: 68
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.