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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Secret Email Account
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...are you at the point where you can acknowledge how utterly, utterly painful it is for him to not at all want to know anything about it?

This is double edged and again multi faceted.

1. His attitude of turning a blind eye is a survival tactic.
2. He genuinely believes if he reads those emails/hears details he will not be able to stay married to me. He does not want to break up the family as he will always put his kids first. Even if that means he has to put all his focus on forgiving/ignoring/overlooking my previous actions.
3. He has noticed my heavy lifting and has made several comments on this
4. It's a coping mechanism for him

If you raised the issue, and he said "I don't want to hear about it, you deal with it", it would be another in-your-face explicit acknowledgement that:

--you don't matter
--what you did doesn't matter
--the hurt and anxiety you feel doesn't matter
--you want help solving a problem, but he won't help you
--you want to share things with him, you want to be intimate with him, even about painful and scary things that reveal your worst side...and he doesn't care at all?

This has always been my default thinking and I still have shards of this type of automatic thinking.

I cannot jump to these conclusions anymore as it's EXACTLY the type of thinking that made room for my Affair.

I KNOW he cares, he's just shit at showing it.

I KNOW I matter because his actions show I do.

What you wrote above so perfectly describes how I feel MOST of the time when I interact with my husband. But very often I can see when I'm particularly down those thoughts are magnified. When I'm reasonably stable (!) like now, I can rationalise he doesn't mean it.

There's that buzz word again "rationalise", "justify". Us waywards have perfected that skill it would seem.

What I'm trying to say is I resonate with the above totally, but it's destructive for me and I have to move away from it if I want my marriage to work.


Posts: 354 | Registered: Mar 2013
BostonGirl
♀ Member
Member # 33930
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:58 AM, August 16th (Friday)]


It'll all be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end.

Posts: 133 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Boston
BostonGirl
♀ Member
Member # 33930
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:58 AM, August 16th (Friday)]


It'll all be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end.

Posts: 133 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Boston
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 4:35 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You haven't touched this email account since February. Why now, six months later, is it such a burning issue? Are you "stable" or are you white knuckling it and the temptation to dive back in was getting too great?


I am sorting out my shit. Clearing out my closet. It became a burning issue because I/we are in a fairly good place right now so I wanted to get rid of the one last possible open door. I don't/didn't need it and didn't want to read the emails because it was pointless. I just needed some support to get rid of them as it was 2 and a half years of my life, energy and emotion. I invested in that relationship however wrong it was but I want to move on and get things right with my husband and to have that email account alive was an obstacle and inauthentic and I knew that.


I'm struck that you couldn't even bring yourself to raise the issue with your husband. You are so certain he doesn't want to know and will never want to know. Now conveniently he can never know. I think the justification that you were "handling it all by yourself" is actually a problem here, probably even the central problem, because the central theme is that you pretty much have to handle it all yourself, right?

Yes I do have to handle everything myself and this contributes to my immense loneliness in my marriage. My husband often throws me in the deep end and lets me fend for myself. I don't feel like he supports me and I feel like I have to handle things alone most of the time. He wants to turn a blind eye to most things/issues in his life not just me. He does it with everyone and everything. He pacifies and rug sweeps excellently. He maintains it's because it's irrelevant and not worth his time so he'd rather minimise and move on. Yes, we have major issues in our marriage because of this. Yes, this dynamic contributed to me going outside of the marriage BUT he is trying and it's tiny steps but he's trying and I can see he doesn't know HOW to be different. He's not always being a mean asshole. I can see that now.

A few days ago he noticed a long distance call on the home-line bill with an area code he didn't recognise. The call was for 46 minutes, relatively inexpensive but he was obviously alerted, as who was I speaking to for 46 minutes? HE ASKED ME ABOUT IT. I said I don't know the number and it wasn't me who made the call. He let it be and we started talking about something else.

Yesterday I was in his office and while I was sitting there he put the bill in front of me and said "there's the area code, do you recognise the number?". Again I said no and continued with what I was doing. I wasn't too interested as I knew it was probably one of us or the nanny and we had just forgotten and like I said it wasn't very expensive. Next thing I know, he is CALLING the number. HE WOULD NEVER DO THAT and it must've taken a lot of courage for him to do that and take a risk to see who was on the other line. The fact that I was mega un-phased and nonchalant about the whole thing probably helped him. Anyway, it turned out to be HIS BANK CALLCENTRE that he had called to discuss some fraud on his credit card a month ago.

These little incidents show's he is changing, very very slowly but he is.


In a sense the A was "handling it yourself," trying to fill the emotional vacuum in your marriage, because your husband stubbornly wouldn't. No matter how much you asked.

YES, Absolutely.

Again, gently: you are spinning your wheels so hard about this issue. Your husband has made it so clear that he's disengaged that you don't even have to ask to know that he will flatly decline to be bothered.

I used to see it like that and I still often do, but now I'm starting to see it as less about him being not being bothered and more that he doesn't know how to cope with his emotions and communicate with me.

I think that this is not how you want and, yes, need your marriage to be.

No, it's not and if our dynamic doesn't change then maybe we would be better off apart but we have to try first and work hard at making the necessary changes.

Just because you made a poor choice in handling a hard situation does not mean that your husband can't also be acting in ways that are extremely detrimental to a healthy marriage.

After reading your post I felt really unsettled and I asked myself why. I think it's because I feel my H hasn't really addressed any of our marriage issues and thinks "we're good" when I still feel quite empty and lonely but am filling it with the move and summer holidays. I gently reminded him that it's very convenient that we're so busy right now and that we're getting on well but my feelings haven't changed much. His reply was exactly this "we will do what we have to. I also feel u making this harder than necessary but I will do as you guide me. I am doing more than my best but am open to MC if you think it will help".

MY response was "this is not about me or you doing our best, it's about making changes to the way we relate".

I could have gone on and on but I left it there as I'm also realising that going beyond that would be perceived as nagging by him.

We are both learning and travelling this bumpy road together. Maybe we'll make it, maybe we won't but we'll give it our best shot.

We are very very far away from an intimate marriage but I have hope and that counts for a lot.

Have you read the abuse thread that's running in WS right now?

No. But will do so now. Thanks


Posts: 354 | Registered: Mar 2013
BostonGirl
♀ Member
Member # 33930
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:59 AM, August 16th (Friday)]


It'll all be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end.

Posts: 133 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Boston
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Boston.. I know you've been where I am.. it's a long road and I know this.. let's hope I have the emotional stamina to see it through till the happy end.

As a side note, I always seem to be attracted to the arrogant, confident types who are very self-assured. AP was the same. But as I continue on my journey I realise most of this is actually a front for a lot of insecurities...


Posts: 354 | Registered: Mar 2013
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a side note, I always seem to be attracted to the arrogant, confident types who are very self-assured. AP was the same. But as I continue on my journey I realise most of this is actually a front for a lot of insecurities...

I am curious why you mention this? Is that how you view your BH?


Me-41 FWW Him-44BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"The only thing permanent is change." Dr Charles Mayo,1930

Posts: 1947 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 2:28 AM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, he can be all of these things. I'm attracted to powerful and confident men. It's something about the chase. Something about them being so cool for school that why would they want me?

As I'm getting older and becoming more confident in my own self, I'm realising I can hold my own. Don't need to carried as much..

All my past relationships have been with significantly older men. My H is 9 years older than me. My AP was 16 years older.

Must be something in that eh?


Posts: 354 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 68
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