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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How much influence did the OP have on WS's decisions during A?
MrsDoubtfire
♀ Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was reminded that FWH fell out big time with his parents a few years back and stopped communicating with them for a while.

His mom asked why he was acting that way and asked who was influencing his decision as he wasn't brought up to disrespect his parents! I never thought it was an indirect swipe at me even at the time.

Anyway, I got to thinking and realised it was during the A period.

And I wonder whether it was the OW's skewed influence that swayed his decision to cut them out of his life. After all, having met her I know she is vindictive, bitter, controlling and a people hater. (Mods- this is a general statement about OW's personality but if this can in anyway be construed as name calling please feel free to move this to General or remove as I don't want to be in trouble)

I then wondered how many other decision FWH made during the A that were influenced by OW?

I DO recall him not wanting to go on a certain type of holiday that he would have jumped at in previous years and think; "Is that because OW wouldn't have liked such a holiday? Or was it because OW didn't want him to go on that holiday with ME?!!"

I wondered if any of you had any similar experiences??

[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 7:57 AM, August 10th (Saturday)]


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1584 | Registered: Jul 2009
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OM had tremendous influence over my FWW during the affair years. The OM was her boss, so she did everything for him and turned her back on our family. Those years were horrible. The A years were the first time in our marriage I had started considering divorce.

As painful as D-day was, in some ways it put an end to the suffering I was going through because of my FWW's withdrawal from our family.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5696 | Registered: Aug 2007
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, my W gave up her boundaries and basically did what ow told her to do in everything - including, to a great extent, when to go home to me.

[This message edited by sisoon at 7:14 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10430 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

XH's main OW def called the shots.

At one point, I really wanted to tell XH to have OW call me, so OW could tell me what XH wanted/felt/had to say.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 768 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Judging from my SAWH's performance at work the last couple of years, she had A LOT of influence. She distracted him, he lost focus, he missed school + leisure related things with his kids. His priorities changed. She was his drug of choice. We're working to change the impact of the fallout now.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SAFWH didn't have just one OW and as the previous poster wrote, his addiction took precedence over everything else in his life. He lied about were he was, neglecting two life long beloved hobbies in exchange for spending time with paid OW. He regrets all the things he missed when the kids were young, too.
But it is interesting that his politics did a complete 180 during the time he was obsessed with one OW in particular. We had always thought similarly, until this obsession. It was frightening how different he was. I remember one discussion that became very nasty, as he practically acused me of treason for saying things that I've said all my life, and that i had shared with him. I honesty could not believe what I was hearing and seeing.

Of course, his later and more frequent contacts were with strippers. I imagine they agreed with everything he said as long as he kept the tips coming.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 8:10 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3692 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The X changed in so many ways; whenever I got in his truck, the radio station was tuned to hip hop/rap, which he professed to hate. He also cited her opinions as his 'reasons' why he was caught with her--i.e., she called him a 'pussy' because his wife wouldn't 'let him have a female friend'.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20317 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
kickboxer
♀ Member
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW bought my WH a new television. (Sidenote: I destroyed it when I found out about the A...and realized that she is the one who purchased it for him...but I digress...)

He became obsessed with watching TV. OB.SESSED. I mean, he's always been one to enjoy sports/TV programs, but this was like an addiction. He would come home from a 10 hour work day, and spent 6 hours in front of it...all the while, yelling at the kids to leave him alone, be quiet, or go away.

We moved the TV out of the office, and we're sitting together in the living room right now with it off.

Much better.


BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 13 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
MrsDoubtfire
♀ Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


At one point, I really wanted to tell XH to have OW call me, so OW could tell me what XH wanted/felt/had to say.

I know this isn't a laughing matter but this did make me chuckle.


whenever I got in his truck, the radio station was tuned to hip hop/rap, which he professed to hate

Yup, FWH started listening to a trashy local station just because ow used to love it! Now it's a no go station!

It's almost as if they start to lose their ability to be themselves. Maybe that's part of the weakness that makes them susceptible to having an A in the first place?

[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 1:26 AM, August 11th (Sunday)]


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1584 | Registered: Jul 2009
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yes, MrsD. Sultan was definitely influenced by his OW's.....especially his false R chicky.

2 (them) against 1 (me) is NOT a fair fight, IMO.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8112 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His AP's not so much. His sex addiction, he was a slave to until he started treatment.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 4:04 AM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's almost as if they start to lose their ability to be themselves. Maybe that's part of the weakness that makes them susceptible to having an A in the first place?

Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner!


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 768 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
SadFlower
♀ Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW had a lot of influence on FWH's professional decisions, and frankly, the influence was good. They used to work together, and she's very smart and savvy about their line of work. He usually followed her advice. At one point, FWH made a professional decision I disagreed with; OW agreed with me. (We were visiting each other as couples back then.) I think he would have been wise to take OW's/my advice. But things have turned out pretty well anyway.

As for other areas, I remember one really bizarre suggestion FWH made while he was still in the A. He suggested a biking tour of France. Now, I love France (I speak French fluently), but I hate biking for prolonged periods of time, and he knew it! OW, however, is more athletic, and would have loved a biking and camping trip. I remember how annoyed FWH was when I turned down his (her?) suggestion! Sometimes I think he suggested that because he knew I would reject the idea, and then that would provide "proof" of what a dull, killjoy wife I was.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
Topic Posts: 13

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