WH has mommy issues, which in turn made him selfish and strong overtures of entitlement, mixed in with a sick need for hero worship because really he had severe, well hidden insecurities.
^^^^^^This. Exactly. XH, or all for his bravado, is horribly insecure, and demands constant reassurance that he's awesome. Even when what he does is half assed at best most of the time, he wants to be told he's awesome. Now, I have very high standards, I'll even go so far as to say unrealistic sometimes. But I hold myself to that standard to stay competitive in the world. XH thinks that just his presence in a room should be applauded. So yeah, healthy dose of insecurity and narcissism, combined with my unwillingness to settle for what I consider half assed effort (and not being good at the ego stroke) created the perfect storm for OW to enter the picture.
He really sold her the goods too. Boo hoo, I'm an artist and my wife doesn't understand me, I'm so amazing, all I want is her to love me, nothing I ever do is good enough, I provide for her and its still not good enough, blah blah blah. The reality was 1) we made equal amounts of money throughout our entire marriage, 2) the house we live in is my SISTERS; I'm pretty sure he made it sound like his, 3) he's an alcoholic, not an artist.
Anyway, she bought it hook, line, ad sinker. And since she was a hs GF who hadn't "gotten over" the relationship (that's what she told me), and who was unemployed with no education, I'm sure my husband (the version of himself he showed her) looked like hitting the jackpot. She basically thought he'd leave me and DD, and she'd step into the bizarro version of my life that wasnt even close to reality. XH has since told me that she thought he was "taking her places."
He actually did have her come here where she lived with him and his roommate. From all accounts, it was an epic failure. He continued to go out and get hammered, smoked (in front of the baby, (yes she brought OC to live in a house with 3 guys who all smoke.....talk about no standards). But she got what she deserved. When I found out she was here, I served him with papers restricting his visitation to basically nothing. I refused to have my DD around her, and he knew that (and luckily, he never took DD around her, I believe that much). Anyway, he used that as a catalyst to have her on the next plane, and that was that.
So, my belief is that AP's have their own motivations for getting involved, all of them self-serving. OW didnt give a shit that my husband already had a family that just might have something to say about him leaving us; she wanted my life, and decided to go for it. After I served XH with the custody papers, he said he was very upset. Her response was, well you've got us now. That is the level of delusion you're dealing with with an AP. yes, I think it's about them being broken, but more than that, I think it's selfishness and emotional immaturity. I want something, don't care who has to sacrifice to get it. It's a 6 year old's mentality where Santa and the tooth Fairy bring money and gifts. In the AP's world, even though a married man or woman is clearly a made up character, they don't care because they're getting the physical and emotional payoff.