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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: No remorse at all
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just looking for the why?

You will never find out the why unless she discovers the why---and that would require some deep soul searching which she may not even be capable of.

You said that you may want to write a book to help pay it forward? So others can learn from your mistakes?

The best way to do that is to show them that there can be a happy ending. Show them the story of a man that worked hard...very hard...at his business over the years, to have his evil, wayward wife decimate it. Then, as he was close to closing the doors for good, he found his inner strength. He decided that he would no longer be a doormat for ANYBODY, and removed this cancer from his life. And in doing so, he was able to concentrate on his children and his business again, bringing his business back from the brink and to fruition once again.

That, my friend, is something worth focusing on. The days of her bringing you down further are OVER.

You can make this a true story for others to read and learn from. Yes, it is an uphill battle, and the legal aspects can get nastier, but you can do this. Don't let her actions ruin you.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2052 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
EtTuBrute
♀ New Member
Member # 39792
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently - the lack of remorse comes from lack of empathy, and it's very common amongst WS. My WH has no remorse either. I have read that if remorse comes at all, it's in phase 3 of affair fog. Phase 1 - "I'm glad I did what I did." Phase 2 - "I can't believe I did that." Phase 3 - "I'm so sorry I did that." Phase 2 only comes once NC is established and followed through. Then a withdrawal period comes for the WS in which he/she craves the AP. Afterwards, when the fog begins to lift, the opportunity to reconcile comes. That's when it's possible to reconnect with the WS if you want to. If emotional reconnection with the BS is re-established, then phase 2 may kick in. OR if the BS does the 180 and "wakes up" the WS, phase 2 may happen or the WS could leave. It's a crap shoot. Another thing I read, was to expose the affair with everyone the WS and the AP knows with letters written to talk to the WS in a way that let's the WS know how much he/she is losing. Examples can be found via an internet web browser. Hope this helps you.


BW 41 WH 47 LTA/LD: EA 9 yrs / PA 14 days; 4 Kids: 7,5,2,2 OW: XGF 45 DDAY: 10-8-12 Broke NC 4 times, no known OW response.Began R 7/19/13
If you can't spot the sucker in the first half hour at the table, then you ARE the sucker. - Rounders

Posts: 32 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: United States
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thefly,

So sorry for your situation. Indeed, it's the worst pain one will ever feel.

For eight months of hell I devoted my energy to "figuring out" my STBXWW's reasons for abruptly destroying our wonderful family.

I went from agreeing with her that I was to blame and went into therapy to fix MY problems, to viewing it as a temporary mid-life crisis. And of course, "the fog, the fog, the fog." (No disrespect intended to those who believe in this.)

I also disagree with the "limerance" comment. There are truly evil people in the world. Sorry you got involved with one. At best, maybe borderline personality disorder, but way too little info

I read up on NPD and this is the "diagnosis" I have settled on. Yes, she has a form of mental illness. But these people also understand that they are making choices. They just are incapable of any form of normal empathy.

So does that make them simply mentally ill or bad people? Both. My wife is seriously personality disordered. But she is also selfish and cruel. So to me, it really doesn't matter. These are people that we must remove from our lives.

If someone "suffers" from mental illness, then it precludes free will, no? Therefore, let's exonerate everyone in prison who committed their crimes due to some form of mental illness. Let's not call them selfish or cruel.

When I stopped analyzing her (only less than two months ago) and started getting really angry and not giving a shit about the "why's" is when I found the strength to file for divorce.

Best of luck to you. Hold onto your anger and use it.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1621 | Registered: Dec 2012
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So does that make them simply mentally ill or bad people? Both. My wife is seriously personality disordered. But she is also selfish and cruel. So to me, it really doesn't matter. These are people that we must remove from our lives.

If someone "suffers" from mental illness, then it precludes free will, no? Therefore, let's exonerate everyone in prison who committed their crimes due to some form of mental illness. Let's not call them selfish or cruel.

Outstanding. Bravo


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lets back up a bit.

Mental illness is no joke. This is about infidelity. People with NPD do not have a mental illness, they have a personality disorder. Two entirely different categories, and not to mention nobody here has the medical background combined with personal interaction with the people involved to make an official diagnosis.

What his wife is doing, whether it's evil, insane or a little lost fairy princess crying for help by setting the world on fire with every nuke available can be debated until the earth turns into pudding and we lick our way to a delicious doom yet the fact remains she presents a clear and present danger whatever the underlying reasons.

Do not look for the why right now. Look for the way out.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7444 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome.
We will be here to support you like everyone has done for me.
Its gonna hurt, it's the worst kind of pain but you're not alone. You will take a lot of comfort from knowing that we know exactly the feelings you will endure.

We have all tried to understand the why. I still am. It doesn't help me but at least I realise now that it is her that is broken. It wasn't your doing. She will tell you, her friends and family and even herself that you are to blame and she had no choice. This is utter bollocks. Do not believe her. Right now you must detach and get over the immense shock

I feel for you, you poor bastard. I think betrayed men get a tougher time because often the ww takes the kids, so you will grieve more than just the loss of a wife.

We are here for you. Read how similar the behaviour of our wives are in my thread in Just found out

AAS


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 685 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad. Awesome comment ! All these books and therapist say to let go of the anger. I say hell no. That is what drives me. Keeps me strong and will allow me to move past. I go in and out of the why me stage often but once the anger comes back it helps. I don't text or beg or cry to her although I am still angry and fighting with her and my friends who think its ok to hang out with her and her new man! She says I'm trying to control her but I don't see it like that. I just feel I was the one thrown out of my home , cheated on , stolen from , lied to for years as I asked her numerous times to stop. I found psychology books on how to fall out of love in her drawers. It was horrible I had to read it to find out the answers. It was so clear after I read it. She premeditated the whole thing , she did all the excercises in that sick book. Thought stopping , and repulsion techniques . At the time I didn't understand but after I read it it was so clear as if I was standing outside looking in and realizing how the hell I missed all these signs? She told me she loved me and we had sex like we were 18 till the very end ? Sick people in this world. Remember she has a degree in psychology , is an avid tony robbins follower and I found numerous books on neuro linguistic programing , thought stopping , mind control, hypnosis , Buddhism , lie detecting all kinds of books hidden in drawers . I do not believe the mental illness bull either . She is college educated very very beautiful look wise , charismatic , charming and she knew exactly what she was doing ! Premeditated murder of the soul of a poor sap who never lied about his love and took a vow and kept it. Yes I need to hate her I know but I also need not to see her at all because when I do I get these rush of emotions and anxiety like I can't explain . Heart beats fast , sweat, headache , nausea . It's kind of hard because we have kids together. I am not friends with anyone anymore . I choose that because its easier than trying to weed out the liars and phonies. I find it hard to believe family and friends didn't know. For years. Bull crap ! They sat at my table had beverage at my home and were at family functions and nobody even hinted. What the hell happened to the real men in this world? So f--k them if they are not with me then they are against me like someone said before this is war now ! Thanks guys for listening to that rant! Lol.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 647 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Onan
♂ Member
Member # 33473
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't underestimate the power of blameshifting. When I closely monitored my WWs activities I was absolutely amazed. Every complaint, every demonization was geared specifically to the individual to have maximum impact. Turning someone into a perfect scapegoat allows them to do pretty much any immoral thing they want without any negative social repercusions.

Time to show her repercussions...


BS(me): 56
WW(her): 52
M: 19yrs
D-day: 8/25/2011
Good news: Wife really, really likes sex. Bad news: Just not with me.

Posts: 185 | Registered: Sep 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also need not to see her at all because when I do I get these rush of emotions and anxiety like I can't explain . Heart beats fast , sweat, headache , nausea .

They are the emotions of the abused, when they begin detaching from their abusers.
I am sending you strength, brother!

You are absolutely correct and normal when you say you need not to see her. Minimize contact.
Do everything these guys are telling you. Document, journal, VAR (especially VAR! they're cheap and small, can be kept on you)...make it a hard and fast rule to keep convos to kids and finances only.
Someone posted the link to the 180. Own it.

I know it's hard because you have kids together. She has been honing the knife, planning this fuckery for a long time (I knew there was a reason I'm not a fan of nlp!),
and we have a saying around here for that:
Take the knife she stabbed you with, and use it to cut the fuel lines of the bus she threw you under.

"I am not friends with anyone anymore."
Isolation is another tool abusers use on their victims.

You just made 40,000 new friends.
Better stock up on the beer.
We're coming over.


Posts: 6589 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also need not to see her at all because when I do I get these rush of emotions and anxiety like I can't explain . Heart beats fast , sweat, headache , nausea .

These are also symptoms of PTSD. Talk to your IC about it.

You just made 40,000 new friends.
Better stock up on the beer.
We're coming over.

^^^^This. Absolutely true.

t/j - jjct, that rocks, and is going in the quote thread.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5138 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey man,

I got nothing more to add. Abbandad and others said it all. Read Abbandad's saga - at least you are avoiding limbo.

You will make it -

Jack


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 867 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your wife is evil.

I agree. Anyone who would make up lies about you being violent and abusive, resulting in you being removed from your own house is EVIL and I don't even believe that most in "limerence" or infatuated, or in love with someone else becomes THAT evil. Of course it is just an opinion, but I'm still going to express it. I say it has nothing to do with being mentally ill, and everything to do with being an evil, horrible, selfish person.


Posts: 5742 | Registered: Apr 2006
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Onan, your right it was total premeditation and manipulation on her part. I found out just two days ago the guys name and that they work together. The sad part is I knew it was someone from work but she denied it for two years . I would ask her nicely if she had another man because I feel it ,she would say things like I can't stand you , you are so jealous and controlling. I'd say no I'm not trying to control you I just don't feel love from you. She would say "you're sick ". So know after finding out at least who and where he is from I realize I am not sick! I knew it and I was right. Her actions were so calculated that it was scary she knew me so well as a person , she knew more than my mom and therapist combined and she preyed on every weakness to win. I could never do that to her . I am now because I have no choice but only because I have no choice! Thanks for all the great advice and kind words from all.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 647 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
ifinallyfoundme
♀ Member
Member # 39523
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its been awhile since I've worked in the psych field, but your wife is a pure evil bitch that was running game to get your money! She is a playa and her current man will be there as long as the money is there. By then she may come back, but do/will u want her.
Protect yourself and your kids. You can 180 her ass, but until you stop funding her lifestyle.... to be honest she needs Jesus. Stay strong and take care of yourself and kids.

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to paraphrase some crude, but wise, words I read here:

Sometimes you have to stop wondering why the turd smells so bad and just flush it.


Posts: 385 | Registered: May 2013
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TheFly

Wow, just Wow!

Your STBXW has made herself your enemy.

I hope your attorney is a match for her. You also need a forensic accountant if you feel she diverted significant funds.

IMHO if my wife did all those hurtful things to me I would make it my mission to give her a horrible divorce with as little money, custody and piece of the business as possible.

That is how I would reward her.

So use that anger. Channel that anger towards her and the OM.

The hell with her family and friends. You can make new ones after the divorce.

Show her the man you used to be and give her what she deserves. As little as possible.

And protect your kids from her nonsense.

What state are you in by the way?

Is it too late to have a P.I. tail her and get proof of the affair???

Ask your attorney.

Keep posting.

HM


Posts: 858 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
luv2swim
♀ Member
Member # 13154
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fly - Find your firm ground to stand on and recognize this is not about you, no matter what your wife says. For whatever the reason, your wife is bat-shite-crazy. Maybe there is a valid psychological explanation. A personality disorder, family of origin stuff she needs to work through, a brain tumor. Or maybe she is the female version of Edgar, from the movie Men In Black. She looks like your wife, but does not act like your wife. You and the kids are now living with her body shell filled with alien roaches.

As others have pointed out, right now your business is you, and also your kids. Crazy moms do not get the kids just because they have a womb. Document everything with dates and times. Photos, phone records.

Most critical is to detach. Right now your wife is NOT YOUR FRIEND. As noted above, she is more of an alien, wearing your wifes' skin. Do not take anything she says personally. Do not take her actions personally. Everything she is doing now is designed to make her feel better. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. She is not of right mind (obviously). She has detached from herself as wife and mother in your family unit.

It is difficult to say how long this will last. But it seems everyone eventually comes out of this weirdness. But it could be years.

Right now your journey through this is less dependent upon who she is, how she is, than upon your ability to function with clarity and sanity, irrespective of her actions, or what she speaks. To be blunt, your kids have the model now of one crazy parent in their mom. They are not going to well benefit from two crazy parents. From what you write, at minimum she has been emotionally unreasonable, and even abusive to you and by example and lack of attention, to your children. You gotta step up: for you, and for your kids!

As tough as it is during this circus of infidelity, the tribe at SI are here to support you through all of this. Several thousand people here "have your back".

Know too, there is an end to the insanity. It may be in divorce. It may be in reconciliation. Either way, know that things do get much better. The pain diminishes, and finally, goes away.


[This message edited by luv2swim at 1:00 PM, August 12th (Monday)]


Me: BS
Him: NPD WS
Married 24 years
incredible kids
D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
Divorced: 2009
WS + OW: Married 2011

Posts: 351 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: US
Onan
♂ Member
Member # 33473
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You also need a forensic accountant if you feel she diverted significant funds.

^^^^^^^^
This!

Is POSER married? As others have said - If so his BS needs to be informed.

Remember, absolutely no physical threats or violence towards this guy. I'd expect their next move is to put you in jail. He's irrelevant.

On a more soothing note another thing you'll learn here on SI is a simple truth - The person who cheats usually (if not always) is the one who contributed the least to the marriage.

You appear to be a giving, supportive, intelligent guy.
-- You deserve better.


BS(me): 56
WW(her): 52
M: 19yrs
D-day: 8/25/2011
Good news: Wife really, really likes sex. Bad news: Just not with me.

Posts: 185 | Registered: Sep 2011
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, August 18th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow so many people with the same story. Before this happened I would have never believed that there were so many. Tough day today kids birthday and I cant get in touch with them all day . The stbxw takes their cell phone away and doesn't let them call me . What the f--k is her problem? She has a full time boyfriend now who she left me for she lives in my home , I am court ordered to pay 95% of the bills , she is getting the divorce she wanted , I don't call or text her and I haven't since d day (other than kid stuff) so why is she so angry? Don't get it ? anyway today was tough but its almost done .


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 647 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It really makes us wonder what kind of person that we married---how someone can turn on us after so many years.

I hate to say it, but your WW is pure evil right now. There will never be justice for this shit, so the best thing for you to do is get past this toxic situation as soon as possible. Find the best lawyer that you can, even if you need to consult several more. The focus is on the kids, and almost nothing else. See what can be done to get visitation ASAP.

Her reckoning will come....sooner or later. But that will be her problem. I can tell you that the more that you concentrate on yourself, the less and less that her problems will affect you. It looks like you are working on that, so all I can say is to keep on the path that you are currently on.

Wish I had something more positive to say. Your situation sucks, but you are not alone. Lean on us here as much as you can.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2052 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Topic Posts: 42
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