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User Topic: Why did you stay?
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to know the emotional reasons why any of you stayed-was it love of who he was?
In the beginning no.
I knew kinda who he was because of bad boundaries and possible A's earlier on. This A with MOW I had concrete proof of a full-blown A. I wanted him to leave was my first reaction. Then shock.

was it faith in who he could be?
No I had no faith in him at this point and it only got worse.

was it your own desire to stay committed no matter what?
No, I had suffered a couple of mental breakdowns and was not in any capacity to make M decisions at the time.

was it fear of finding another cheater?
No I think anyone can cheat.

Has it been what you expected, better or worse?
Do you feel like it's been worth your pain?

I guess I never expected to R so just being in R is a surprise to me. I have hope for what he can be. I have memories of who he used to be. So far nothing has been worth the pain that has followed my WH's infidelity. I am learning to live with it and make myself healthy and happier.

I must admit that if I had no kids I would have D'd, but right now I am staying because my love has rekindled for WH and I do not want to be a mom 50/50, but should he mess up again I will gladly embrace being a single mother.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 2:00 PM, August 13th (Tuesday)]

BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Consider this. People are only truly ready to D when they don't feel strong emotions one way or the other toward their WS.

This was shared with me by another SI member and it made sense. If you're still angry at the WS, then you still have feelings for him. Work on those feelings. If you start to develop contempt, then maybe D is the right road. If love and acceptance start to come back, then maybe continuing to work on R is the right thing to do.

Easy to say, hard to do. I'm struggling with it myself.

Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stayed because
We had 2 boys..
He was with scum..Seriously if it was about me and the marriage I believe he would of found a lot better piece of a..
I didn't want my boys to have a broken bum for a dad. I truly felt if he was not with me he would become useless individual.
I knew he had better in him. But when your family( mother, father and siblings) don't show you that you are capable of great things well you fall without their support. Usually.. Not me but another story.
As long as I had children in school I knew I would stay....

Now years later it would be the time we are together but if I found him cheating again or lied about the past I would pack his bags that day and make him leave. I would file for a legal separation. Would I divorce him I hope not! But if I should that would be ok..
Look you know your limits. What you and you can and cannot handle.. Believe in who you are...

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, August 13th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am still working on staying. Struggling.

My d-day is still so recent, and people keep telling me that it's too early for me to be making decisions either way (R, or S/D?). But, I have been spending every moment since d-day weighing my options - I could move out, he could move out, I could file, I could not file... Back during one of our conversations about splitting up, I told him my #1 reason for staying (for now) was that I still loved him. Our 21m old daughter was a close second.

I still can't believe he did this to our family, so I'm having a hard time believing things will change. But I do feel like I have (or rather need) time to sort things out.

Right now, we have one vehicle (mine, from before we got married). It needs more repairs than it's worth. We'd been taking about getting rid of it for a while, and that still has to happen, regardless of what he and I decide to do. The lease on our apartment isn't up until April 2014, and it will cost 2k to break it (not to mention how a broken lease looks on our rental histories). Then there's court fees, attorneys, and the sale of all our community property (because neither of us will be in a position to take it with us). Are finances and convenience good reasons to stay married? Maybe not, but they all add to my reasons for staying and give us some extra time to see if we can make this work.

me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."

Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Consider this. People are only truly ready to D when they don't feel strong emotions one way or the other toward their WS.

I still love him, but as many can relate, not in the way that I used to. Sometimes I feel sorry for him, sometimes I feel anger.
I do think in a way I am coming to the point where I don't care as much. Will I ever NOT care? No, he's the father of my children, was my husband for 17 years and I will always care about him.
But I can no longer take care of him and be that person who is always trying to hold him up and fix him.
Letting go of that was huge and a big part of my role in the marriage.
Do I want to be divorced? Not really. But I don't want to be married to the man who did this to me, who betrayed me, who lied and hurt me.
I just want all of it to be undone. We had something great and he threw it away for nothing.
Now he's put me in an impossible position- I don't want any of the possible outcomes. I don't want any of them.
I do think about staying, but it makes me sick thinking about them being together.
Then I think about leaving and I know how much I will miss him.
There's no easy answer. I am just sick of hurting.

I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A lot of it is sheer and utter admiration for who he has become. A better spouse than most I know. I thought I had the spouse I wanted pre-A. Now I know that THIS is the spouse I want. Sure, he has faults. R isn't perfect. But the partnership itself is pretty great.

A lot of it also is that I am young-ish and would like a partner in life. Besides the A, he was a great partner. Now, he's ideal. If I were to D, I'd want to get remarried. And I know that is risky, too. So maybe it is about taking the risk you know versus the risk you don't know?

And, yes, for the kids. Not because I have the belief that they need two parents together no matter what. But because I love my WH's parenting style, I love the uniqueness of our little family. And I am scared of a stepmom. Man, I've seen it work so beautifully for so many families, but it would break my heart.

ETA: to answer your question about how R is - better than I expected or worse. Well, it has followed a fairly typical story here with false R (TT). Lots of ups and downs. What I will say is that it has been such a positive experience for me personally. On an individual level, I've become more aware of my priorities, I'm more patient, I'm a better communicator (with everyone), and I have a deep level of peace that comes after a crisis, when you do the hard work, get to know yourself better, and take care of your soul. But that can be done without R. But doing it and seeing the effects on my family unit has been very satisfying.

[This message edited by RockyMtn at 8:35 PM, August 14th (Wednesday)]

Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Initially I stayed because for me, I had to know that I had done everything I could do before I could call it quits. At the time, it had little to do with him (crazy, huh?) That's just me though.

After a while (when mr unfound got on board), I stayed because I could see he was trying. I was reserved, but watching him closely as he started his own healing.

Then, I stayed because his efforts were consistent, his progress moving forward, the changes weren't surface changes, but changes at the core. I stayed because he was willing to go to a really ugly scary place in order to not only heal himself, but our M as well.

Eventually I stayed because not only could I see the possibility of R, but I believed it.

The reasons changed over time and they were sometimes really hard to accept (within myself).

Was it worth it? yes.

Was it what I expected? Not at all. Times it was worse, times better. Having a common goal, but different paths there, yet having to travel the same road at times makes for a long journey. A long, sometimes bumpy, sometimes cruisin speed journey.

From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14861 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
♀ Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stayed for the kids. I didn't want to disrupt their lives. I wanted them to live in the same house with their dogs. I wanted them to go to the same private school and summer camp.

I also couldn't imagine some other woman (insert banned description of what type of woman he would have picked based on the AP here) raising my children half the time.

My WH had been such an absentee father for the prior 3 years that I didn't trust him with them either.

We had big credit card debt and a house that needed major reno. before we could sell it.

Basically I stayed because I liked the life we had made for the kids. If he would have cooperated and just disappeared somehow after DDay and everything else would magically stay the same I would have taken that option.

Posts: 629 | Registered: Sep 2012
♀ Member
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stayed for different reasons each time. The first DDay, I was desperate. I didn't know anything else and he blind-sided me with affair. I wanted my marriage and my family to survive. I didn't want *her* to *win*. I wanted to fix things that I knew were broken to begin with. Mostly, I didn't want to walk away without knowing I did EVERTHING in my power to save my marriage. If it didn't work, I could tell my two girls that I tried, but it wasn't meant to be.

The second time, I wasn't going to stay. I had a separation agreement (a very fair one, even by my lawyer's standards), I had a house to move into, a full time position at my work (I'm currently part time), and a babysitter lined up. I was GONE.

What made me stay that time? Realizing my husband was completely at rock bottom and was BROKEN. I've known this man for 18 years, I know him. I knew this wasn't him. I knew this wasn't the legacy he wanted to live. I just *knew* it. I finally asked him "does she make you happy?" and his immediate answer was "NO! I don't even want to be with her anymore. Now that it's out, I can leave her and start over". It crushed me. WHY are you DOING this then, if it doesn't make you happy? I screamed. I cried. I completely lost it. That's when he finally *got it*. I could actually see the light bulb go off in his head. I didn't see that instant moment at all the first time around. No more anger, no more accusing me, no more anything other than "I need help and I don't know where to start"

That, my friend, is the *only* reason why I stayed. And I didn't stay with rainbows and butterflies in my head. I stayed conditionally. I stayed only if and when I could see my WS continuously helping himself and helping me. I still only stay with that in mind and he knows it. It's exhausting, but it's getting better. I'm healing, as is he. Albeit slowly.

I think the bottom line is the only reason why I can stay is because I continuously see sorrow, embarrassment, and healing with him. No more anger. If you can't have that, then it's not going to work. I've found and seen first hand.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 17 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 250 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stayed because I love him. I stayed because I believed he deserved a second chance. I believed in us. We are working thru new things now, I finally have all of the truth...but I am staying because last night after he read the article from the healing library about compartmentalization and the thread from WS about compartmentalization, he said I totally understand compartmentalization but I don't know why I did this and I need to find out why. He said I have always loved you and this has nothing to do with you. You are my best friend.It is something in me that I need to fix. There was never anything you did or
did not do to make me do this. We are going to survive this and I love my husband more than words can say.

Me-BS 51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.

Posts: 615 | Registered: Oct 2011
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stayed because--despite it all--I truly love him. He says my love is for the man I'd like him to be; I say it's for the man he is--warts and all.

I stayed because my younger children deserve to have a father--however imperfect he might be. D would mean moving back to my "home" state (which I'd love in many ways) and separating my boys from their dad. My H loves his kids, but he couldn't possibly visit often enough to fill the void.

I stayed because a D would financially devastate us both. We're so near the edge right now. After 22 years of M and living in a community property state, I'd get A LOT of alimony and child support. He'd have to declare bankruptcy which would cause him to lose his security clearance and thus his job (and any future jobs in his field). That, in turn, would negate any alimony/child support. He made the choice for those to be the consequences. But I didn't. And neither did my children.

I stayed because we've been together for a very long time and most of that time has been worth saving. I sincerely hope our future is worth waiting for.

I stayed because I don't believe I could ever trust another man. If I made such a poor decision--ultimately--about this man, how could I do any better the next time? If this particular H could cheat, believe me, any man could cheat. He was a religious, committed, conservative, brilliant straight arrow--no alcohol, no drugs, no cigarettes, no vices I knew of.

I stayed because marriage/love are forever for me. Even after a D, I don't believe I could ever be intimate with another man. It would--bizarrely enough--seem like cheating to me.

I stayed because I felt like my children deserved to have me give the resurrection of our M my best shot. As a perfectionist, I didn't think looking in the mirror would be possible if I gave up--even when he so blatantly gave me an excuse to do so. My children needed to see, first-hand, that walking away from trouble and sorrow and challenge is NOT the solution. If this M fails, my children need to know (and me, too), all the way to their bones, that their mother did everything she could to save it.

I stayed because he recommitted to me even though he wasn't out of the fog and wasn't over her.

I stayed because I have hope and faith that things will get better. I stayed because I contributed, unknowingly, to the problems in our marriage. I stayed because we're both learning tools that could make our future better.

I stayed--even though I don't trust him and maybe never will--because what we could potentially have together is worth one more (and only one more) d-day. I can't check up on his e-mails and texts and phone calls because that's all through work and is classified. I can't catch him in more lies because he's extremely intelligent and would learn from his past mistakes about how to hide anything. I can only make judgements, daily, on his sincerity by watching how he treats us (much better than before his A), what he's giving up (certain addictions), how he's interacting with us, how he's trying to build trust (very subtle but present), and how loving/affectionate he's being with me. He's far too selfish to be that good of an actor.

I stayed because I love him.

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 3:55 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]

BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 459 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all, what fascinating responses.
I am digesting and processing all of this.
I know my WS loves me, and I know I love him (warts and all).
I am just very afraid of living a life of pain and paranoia.
I've been there before and I do not want to go back.
I do love him, so much. I wish it weren't so complicated.

I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
♂ Member
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stayed because of her good parts. The bad part i had hopped we could work on. (a well as mine). And thus far we have.

Such s long road though.....

Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 222 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
♂ Member
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stayed because of her good parts. The bad part i had hopped we could work on. (a well as mine). And thus far we have.

Such s long road though.....

Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 222 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 34
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