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User Topic: A large amount of affairs go undetected!
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if there is any data out there as to how many As go undetected. I feel like I've seen somewhere that close to half of marriages will experience infidelity. I feel as though I hear with some frequency that a marriage is ending due to an A - so it doesn't seem like a lot goes undetected...esp. if you consider that for every M I hear about that ends due to an A, one goes into R (or just doesn't end) and the infidelity is not spoken about publicly but was detected nonetheless.

Anyway, I'm mostly just curious. I'd imagine a lot of ONS go undetected. With longer As, there are just more "chances" of being busted - as many say here - they happened to see a car, a flirty glance, etc.

And for every "smart" person electronically, there are a dozens of "dumb" ones who can't cover their tracks for months or weeks. And with so many As having a tech component, it just seems that MORE would be detected these days than ever before, when perhaps As were limited to a landline, or a work phone, or out of town meetings.

Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've read that most go undetected.
When we talked to the BS of those involved in our situation three out of the four said it was not their spouse's first rodeo. Sad...

[This message edited by rachelc at 8:39 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”

Posts: 5280 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♀ New Member
Member # 39792
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had 2 red flags from the beginning of my marriage in 2003/2004, but I cast them aside. I had another red flag of PA in 2010, but I was pregnant with twins and did not want to face it. Reality hit me 10-8-12 when the OW mistook our home phone number for his cell phone number and left 3 messages.

BW 41 WH 47 LTA/LD: EA 9 yrs / PA 14 days; 4 Kids: 7,5,2,2 OW: XGF 45 DDAY: 10-8-12 Broke NC 4 times, no known OW response.Began R 7/19/13
If you can't spot the sucker in the first half hour at the table, then you ARE the sucker. - Rounders

Posts: 32 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: United States
♀ Member
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I hadn't checked his phone I wouldn't have know anything. Even though he said he didn't want to be married anymore I've often wondered if he would ever told me. I will never know and most days don't even care.

There were times in the past that my gut was screaming and I asked him if he was involved with someone. Which he always denied. Also, something I will never know. Since I found SI and have read over and over again to trust your gut I do think he has done this before. I just never caught him.

Me- 53
WH- 57
Divorced - May 22, 2014
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 35 years
4 adult DD's, 2 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2012
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Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H had two EAs. I would have never detected any of them, simply because:

1) the first EA was taking place when I was at work. They met when I was at work and when they had their meetings. I could have ever known. I noticed a change in behavior and confronted him twice but I never suspected an EA. There was a lot going on with his parents' health and his job, so I thought the change had to do with that. It was not until the bimbo started calling our home like there was no tomorrow that I started suspecting. I played it cool, they got bolder, and i gave them enough rope to hang themselves with and they did not disappoint me.

The second EA was with a woman up north. I was told a couple of years in advance that a friend of his had introduced him to a circle of his friends and that she was part of it. I saw emails here and there but nothing in those emails to raise an eyebrow. Things started changing early in the fall of 2012 when the emails got a bit more frequent and soon early in 2013 the flirting and instant messaging and the secret gifts to her took place. I confronted and it is over.

The second EA - the start of it- I detected right away. When I saw the first flirticious ( sp??) emails I put a stop to it.So yes, the second EA could and would have gone undetected only because the woman was in another state, and his friends would not tell on him. If it were not for me snooping occasionally, I would not have found out.

And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

Posts: 874 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
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Member # 29358
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really starting to believe that my WH was open to the idea for at least a few years. I just remember him starting to wear AXE deodorant a few years before his A. He stopped wearing it right after DDAY 2. I remember getting into his car a few times and the seat was not in the right position. I also remember finding long blonde hairs. He was also always on his computer.

Me - BW 40
Him - FWH 39
Her - MOW 47 Fat Assed Toothless Man Faced Whore!!!

DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Michigan
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had no idea. XWH left the window to his secret email account open... but I think he did it on purpose because he didn't want to keep his dirty little secret any longer, yet he was too cowardly to tell me face to face like a grown-up.

But, if he hadn't done that, I would have had no clue whatsoever. The OW was LD, and since I trusted XWH implicitly, I never checked credit card statements or wondered where he was. There were a couple of things that I see as red flags now, but they were so subtle, and I never thought he'd cheat on me, so I completely dismissed them.

BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
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Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, August 11th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 100% certain it didn't happen at all before this year.

But as soon as he moved for his new job, it was like he became another person.

I now suspect he tried with a different D coworker as soon as he got there and she rejected him. Their relationship had been fine and extremely productive until they went on a staff training weekend together and he lied about them sharing a cabin. She refused to even attend meetings with him after that. He told me she was just competitive and crazy.

Within a few months he had moved on to another D coworker. She became OW. He swears she initiated, but whatever. He was willing.

He swears up and down OW was the first time he cheated on me. Technically I think it's true. But I don't think it was from lack of trying.

BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
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Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He started two years in and never looked back. I had no clue.

The fact that he worked on the road didn't help. I had no way of knowing what went on out there and I trusted. Period. Full stop.

Like scaredykat said, he ramped up and was wanting to get caught. I was so clueless he had to take it to a ridiculous level to get my attention.


Silly me.

DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17535 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The first time, no way, he was way to obvious although so very careful. Took me 3yrs to find proof. When it went underground, I would still not know if I hadn't accidentally found his web history by logging into his email that I set up for him. He never used it for his dirty work but it left a trail that found. His behavior is so diff than the first time so yea, I wouldn't have known.
He has a well behaved ow who's never contacted me, doesn't tell ppl, and he's never left a shred of evidence.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 2:47 AM, August 12th (Monday)]
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5134 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage your tag line. So fitting for myself. I don't know the past either, just bits I've put together. It's very difficult planning a future when you don't have all the pieces of the past
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5134 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If my WH hadn't placed that ad on craigslist that morning..using our shared computer(not his cell,like he had been)..and had he not forgotten to log out of his secret email account..I never would have known.

As it is...I can look back over our marriage..and see red flags flying at different times...he swears he never cheated before..other than *this* time...and I have no proof that he did(he is fully aware of this)..but my gut says he did. Im quite sure there were others that I never knew of.

FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7689 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if there is any data out there as to how many As go undetected.

I do remember reading an article on this...maybe it was on SI. Not sure.

It was saying that more woman's A are never discovered versus males; even if their M ends, she is more likely to take it to her grave.

In my own case, my ex had many more As then I knew. Only once I began the D proceedings did more come out of the woodwork. I can not imagine how many there really were.

It doesn't matter anymore though - I got validation I was not insane so I am good.

Edited....too early on a Monday - more typos than usual!

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 7:28 AM, August 12th (Monday)]

Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.

Posts: 2181 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can believe that a lot of affairs go undetected. It's easy to abuse the trust of someone who loves you. My wife was on a dating site for 20 months and meeting with one guy regularly every couple of weeks while I was at work for sex. She used secret e-mail accounts, our home phone because the bill wasn't itemized, she knew I never looked at her phone or laptop - because she knew I trusted her. I made it easy. It was a pure accident that I discovered her affair. I'm sure her plan was to keep it going as long as she wanted because what I didn't know couldn't hurt me...until her AP gave us MRSA.

Betrayal is easy...staying loyal is hard, commitment is hard, choosing to love and work on a marriage instead of acting single and dating behind your spouses back to get your jollies is hard.

Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4003 | Registered: Dec 2011
♀ New Member
Member # 39909
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trust your gutt.. it never lies... IF you are feeling little twangs in your stomach.. something is wrong....

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I had not happened to pick up wh cell I dont know when I would have found out or how much longer his "thing" with mow would have went on. All the signs/red flags were there but I trusted him. I thought his behavior was just him being overwhelmed with life, work our kids. I trusted him 100%....I just kept giving him more space and he used it to screw mow. sure a lot of this crap goes undetected because WE trust our spouses. We should be able to. Its sad that we couldn't or shouldn't have.

I deserved the person he pretended to be. I deserve a faithful, loyal husband. I deserve a monogamous marriage. I deserve to be the
"only woman" in my marriage and in my wh head.

But whatever...

Together 21yrs married 18yrs
2 kids, now 19 & 16
Bw: now 38
Wh: now 37
Mow: now 50
1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1079 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
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