Anyway, I'm mostly just curious. I'd imagine a lot of ONS go undetected. With longer As, there are just more "chances" of being busted - as many say here - they happened to see a car, a flirty glance, etc.
And for every "smart" person electronically, there are a dozens of "dumb" ones who can't cover their tracks for months or weeks. And with so many As having a tech component, it just seems that MORE would be detected these days than ever before, when perhaps As were limited to a landline, or a work phone, or out of town meetings.
[This message edited by rachelc at 8:39 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”
There were times in the past that my gut was screaming and I asked him if he was involved with someone. Which he always denied. Also, something I will never know. Since I found SI and have read over and over again to trust your gut I do think he has done this before. I just never caught him.
1) the first EA was taking place when I was at work. They met when I was at work and when they had their meetings. I could have ever known. I noticed a change in behavior and confronted him twice but I never suspected an EA. There was a lot going on with his parents' health and his job, so I thought the change had to do with that. It was not until the bimbo started calling our home like there was no tomorrow that I started suspecting. I played it cool, they got bolder, and i gave them enough rope to hang themselves with and they did not disappoint me.
The second EA was with a woman up north. I was told a couple of years in advance that a friend of his had introduced him to a circle of his friends and that she was part of it. I saw emails here and there but nothing in those emails to raise an eyebrow. Things started changing early in the fall of 2012 when the emails got a bit more frequent and soon early in 2013 the flirting and instant messaging and the secret gifts to her took place. I confronted and it is over.
The second EA - the start of it- I detected right away. When I saw the first flirticious ( sp??) emails I put a stop to it.So yes, the second EA could and would have gone undetected only because the woman was in another state, and his friends would not tell on him. If it were not for me snooping occasionally, I would not have found out.
DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA
But, if he hadn't done that, I would have had no clue whatsoever. The OW was LD, and since I trusted XWH implicitly, I never checked credit card statements or wondered where he was. There were a couple of things that I see as red flags now, but they were so subtle, and I never thought he'd cheat on me, so I completely dismissed them.
But as soon as he moved for his new job, it was like he became another person.
I now suspect he tried with a different D coworker as soon as he got there and she rejected him. Their relationship had been fine and extremely productive until they went on a staff training weekend together and he lied about them sharing a cabin. She refused to even attend meetings with him after that. He told me she was just competitive and crazy.
Within a few months he had moved on to another D coworker. She became OW. He swears she initiated, but whatever. He was willing.
He swears up and down OW was the first time he cheated on me. Technically I think it's true. But I don't think it was from lack of trying.
The fact that he worked on the road didn't help. I had no way of knowing what went on out there and I trusted. Period. Full stop.
Like scaredykat said, he ramped up and was wanting to get caught. I was so clueless he had to take it to a ridiculous level to get my attention.
[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 2:47 AM, August 12th (Monday)]
As it is...I can look back over our marriage..and see red flags flying at different times...he swears he never cheated before..other than *this* time...and I have no proof that he did(he is fully aware of this)..but my gut says he did. Im quite sure there were others that I never knew of.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I wonder if there is any data out there as to how many As go undetected.
I do remember reading an article on this...maybe it was on SI. Not sure.
It was saying that more woman's A are never discovered versus males; even if their M ends, she is more likely to take it to her grave.
In my own case, my ex had many more As then I knew. Only once I began the D proceedings did more come out of the woodwork. I can not imagine how many there really were.
It doesn't matter anymore though - I got validation I was not insane so I am good.
Edited....too early on a Monday - more typos than usual!
[This message edited by EvenKeel at 7:28 AM, August 12th (Monday)]
Betrayal is easy...staying loyal is hard, commitment is hard, choosing to love and work on a marriage instead of acting single and dating behind your spouses back to get your jollies is hard.
Awesome....im sure a lot of this crap goes undetected because WE trust our spouses. We should be able to. Its sad that we couldn't or shouldn't have.
I deserved the person he pretended to be. I deserve a faithful, loyal husband. I deserve a monogamous marriage. I deserve to be the
"only woman" in my marriage and in my wh head.